Dear Goldy:
I first met Avi (fake name) on a dating website. We emailed at first, and then actually dated. Avi matches what he described about himself in his dating profile, and he looked like his picture. So far, it was a win-win. I wouldn’t go as far as to call Avi my boyfriend, but hopefully it will head in that direction.
A few days ago, Avi told me that one of his cousins saw us together on one of our dates and snapped pictures of us from afar. She sent them to the family. He said that he doesn’t discuss dating with his family and his parents respect him enough not to pry. But I guess the pictures piqued their interest. Avi said that once he told his parents and grandparents about me, his mother and grandparents made the judgment call that I am not the person they’d like Avi to marry. They want him to break up with me.
What I left out of the story is that I am 35, a divorced mother of two. Avi is single, never married, and I’m three years older than he is. We knew all this when we started contacting each other through the website. It didn’t bother either of us. Avi’s family is very wealthy and owns a furniture company along with real estate. There is serious money in the family. I knew he was from a wealthy family and worked in the family business, because I looked him up on social media. His grandparents are very much alive and well. They are the heads of the family. I will mention here that I am straight-up Ashkenaz, and Avi is from a Bukharian background. The differences in our cultures weren’t even mentioned (or at least according to Avi, they weren’t).
Avi said that his grandparents and mother told him that if he continues to date me, he will be kicked out of the company and the relationship will be strained. I couldn’t believe this! This isn’t a TV show – Dynasty or something. But here, real people are telling a grown man that if he doesn’t stop dating me, they are firing him and possibly excommunicating him from the family. He said that there are several aspects of my life that they don’t approve of. They may be able to overlook one or two but can’t overlook all of them. It’s partly because I’m divorced, partly because I have children, partly because of my age and I’m older than Avi. Yes, they worry that if we marry, I won’t be able to have any more children because of my age, and Avi won’t have children of his own.
I’m so hurt and angry. I feel ambushed. His cousin took pictures of us? Like a private detective? Did she know the family would react like this, so she knew she was going to stir the pot? She doesn’t know me, never said a word to me. She did something that is below the belt, and it has turned my life upside down. Why didn’t she let Avi tell his family about me in his own time and his own way? Does she find this entertaining? Avi said he was shocked when his grandparents started the discussion of him dating me. Avi was defending himself and our (new) relationship.
Thankfully, Avi’s father is on his side, and he and his father tried speaking with his grandparents and mother. While Avi’s mother may be able to be swayed with time, his grandparents are adamant that he is not to continue seeing me. It’s like they’re old school and not allowing him to marry out of the tribe/family and using the family money as a threat.
If it wasn’t bashert for us to be together, then we would break up, but his cousin got in the middle of something and created a whole drama scene. I am so heartbroken. I can’t believe this is happening to me. What can I do? How can I fix this?
Shirah (not my real name)
*****
Thank you for sending me your email, Shirah.
Firstly, I think that you’re right. Avi should have shared this news with his family when he was ready and the way he intended to. Maybe Avi knew there would be some reservation with his family re: him dating you, but he would know the best way to approach the subject and possibly convince them that you are his bashert. His cousin stole that opportunity from him (and you). I don’t know the motivations behind the cousin secretly taking the pictures and sending them, but if it was to stir things up and create drama, then it was a cruel thing to do. You’re right (again) that this is your life; this one action taken by someone you didn’t know who had no business of doing what she did, can majorly affect your life. I wonder if Avi questioned his cousin as to why she didn’t come over and say hello or if her purpose was to stir up trouble for him. There are a lot of unanswered questions.
Let us first deal with what we do know. Avi didn’t cave in to his mother and grandparents’ wishes that he break up with you. At this moment, he is fighting for the relationship, which should say something. Avi’s father is on Avi’s side, so there may be hope in him speaking with Avi’s mother. A spouse knows when and how to approach a minefield of a topic of conversation with his other half. Avi’s father can be an ally to you. The sad part is, there’s not a lot that you can do here. You, yourself, don’t have any power in this situation at all. Avi is the one who will have to fight for what he wants. Yes, your life is affected by the decision, but it would be out of turn and some may say disrespectful for you to try to speak with Avi’s family, so you must wait this out.
You said that the differences in cultures have nothing to do with why Avi’s grandparents and mother don’t want him dating you? That’s great, but I find it a little hard to believe. Knowing how some families feel about their culture and keeping their minhagim, I would think that your age and children can be overlooked, but not the fact that you’re Ashkenaz. I hate to ask you this, but are you sure Avi is telling you the truth about this?
I can understand why it’s important for them to want Avi to have his own children, but in todays’ world, women can have children into their 40s. And it’s not so odd that a wife is older than her husband nowadays. I would think that the cultural differences would matter more to them. But I could be wrong. Like the saying goes, “To each his own”: These people are allowed to feel whatever they feel about you and it doesn’t have to make sense to me or to you. It makes sense to them.
Let me ask, does Avi have his own money saved or invested? Or has a special trade that he can take and work someplace else if there really is an ultimatum? I don’t like the idea of using money to control people, and telling Avi he will be kicked out of the family business is doing just that. Forget about having strained relationships, that goes without saying. It could already be strained just by them asking Avi to make this decision. If Avi has a skill or experience in a certain field, maybe he can find a job with another company, easier said than done, but that can be a thought. But to lose the relationship with grandparents and mother? That’s a tough one.
I hate to ask this question, but I will. I know you mentioned he wasn’t your boyfriend yet, but it seemed to be heading in that direction. I just want to make sure you are looking at the relationship with clear eyes. I do hope the two of you were getting along and taking the relationship to the next stage, but sometimes our vision while in a relationship can be cloudy. If you and Avi were heading down that path, then all this is horrible. If you’re the only one who thought/thinks the relationship is that serious, you may be in for a shock. There is a possibility that Avi could be using his family as the excuse to break up with you. I know that is cruel to say, but parts of this don’t jell with me.
There are times when we have to put our bitachon in Hashem and daven that whatever the outcome is – even if we don’t like or understand it. Yes, this reveal wasn’t according to plan, but everything is in Hashems hands. Ther isn’t much you can do in this situation. I don’t think it would be respectful for you to speak with his family, although I’m always one for open communication. This seems like a situation where Avi has to be the one to speak up and to decide. I hope his family does come around, but just in case they don’t, or they convince him to stop dating you, you need to prepare yourself for that.
This may not be the response you (or others) want, but it’s the only one I have. I really do hope that all works out (in your favor).
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
