Dear Goldy,
I am writing for my son. He had a horrible trick played on him. He had been going with a girl and then he comes to find out that one of the dates he had was with her identical twin sister! The twin sister went out with my son - not the original twin he had been dating.
This isn’t yeshiva, where pranks like these are common or even expected. This is an adult woman in her twenties sending her doppelgänger out with my son to get her sister’s opinion if she should continue dating him. My son only found out by accident. The original twin slipped and mentioned something about what happened on a previous date with her twin by saying. For example, “____ (name of sister) said you hate sauerkraut and mustard on a hot dog.” At first my son said he didn’t think he heard right and he asked her about it because he had never met her twin. The truth came out. The story he was told was that the original twin he was going out with liked my son and before she wanted to take the relationship further, wanted her twin sister’s opinion. And I guess she couldn’t just tell her twin all about my son, but the twin had to experience spending time with him and only then would she be able to give a thumb’s up or down.
I can’t believe this! My son said he didn’t like feeling like a fool and that’s what he felt like when the truth came out. He was angry with himself that he didn’t realize he wasn’t out with the correct sister once he heard and saw the slight differences in voice and mannerisms. He thought she was hoarse or coming down with a cold, not a different person! The original twin my son dated apologized several times and excused her actions by saying that she and her twin are so close that both had to approve of the guy the other one chooses.
The further unbelievable part is that the girl doesn’t see the seriousness of what she did. When I told the shadchan, she just laughed. She agreed it was wrong but said it was a “genius idea” to come up with. I consider this to be lying. If she is lying and playing games while dating, what else is she capable of, and how can my son ever trust her again? We knew she had a twin, but we didn’t know that at the age of 27 they [still] switch places. The shadchan has called twice. She wants my son to put this behind him and guarantees that the girl will never do anything like this again, and would like to go out with my son again.
My son agreed to meet for coffee and discuss what happened. No matter how she tried to spin in, my son feels used and stupid. She wants to prove she can be trusted and would like to be given the chance. My husband and I said no. My son said no at first too, but now I see him caving in and saying you can’t punish someone forever because of a prank that technically didn’t hurt anyone. Emotions were hurt! I think he thinks this will be one of those cute stories he can share with friends and even their kids, if they marry. I’m warning my son not to get involved with this girl. Even if he can trust her again, I can’t trust her. I’ll always have this in the back of my mind.
What do you think?
Sandy (false name)
Thank you for the email, Sandy.
Whoa! Put the brakes on! Don’t move, don’t pass go, don’t collect $200! I was skeptical that this was a real story. Was I being pranked? I mean, adult sisters switching places on a date? What are we, 10 years old? I did my due diligence and was in touch with Sandy and she put me in touch with the shadchan. After speaking with both, I still wasn’t 100% convinced. For all I know, the mother was made up and her friend played the part of the shadchan. But they both seemed sincere and honest. I’m 90% sure that this actually happened. So, I’ll respond in this column because if anything it’ll make for some interesting reading.
OMG, like my niece used to say. I’m with you. I can’t believe this happened. This isn’t the 5th grade substitute teacher; this is a man that you hope to build a relationship with and possibly marry. I understand wanting to get her sister’s opinion about your son, but why wouldn’t her account of events and how your son acted/behaved be enough? I know when my daughter tells me that the rollercoaster was amazing and she felt like she was dropping out of the sky is a thrill for her without experiencing it myself. I am mentally right there with her as she describes the experience. It too should have been enough for the twin.
Yes, twins are very close and share a bond and all that other good stuff - but you don’t share a date, a human being! I would feel as duped as your son feels. If I’m supposed to be getting to know this person and opening up to her and she sends her lookalike in her place so the lookalike can give an honest opinion of me? Goodbye! What if her twin didn’t like your son? What if your son disclosed something on that particular date that he hasn’t told other girls he dated because he never had “that feeling” before and he felt safe; his wall/guard was coming down? Now he finds out it wasn’t her! I can’t believe that their parents knew anything about this and didn’t stop it - and if they did, your son should definitely cease all contact with this family. Have they done this before with other men?
I also don’t like how the shadchan reacted, according to what you wrote. Yes, she said it was awful, but the girls learned their lesson, were punished, and will never do it again - but c’mon it was genius. Am I right? Wrong. The shadchan should see this for what it is - and that’s fraud. How can she condone this? I hate to say it, but has the girl’s family paid her enough money to help sweep this under the rug and not make this a big deal? The fact that the shadchan has contacted you twice since you reported this to her gives me a very low opinion of this shadchan.
I remember when my sister was dating my brother-in-law (and I have mentioned it before) I met them on two dates. I got a real close look at my brother-in-law. We spoke for all of fifteen seconds, but from what I saw, heard, and from what my sister reported I knew he was a good guy and husband material. My sister was now able to ask me about my brother-in-law’s appearance because I got a better look at him, rather than from the upstairs window where I was perched at every time she went out.
Your son has every right to feel used and made a fool of because I’m sure the girls laughed about “how he does ____ when he sneezes or puts on his blinker miles away from when he will make the turn.” I bet the twin didn’t just report on personality and appearances when she reported back. But now that some time has passed (I’m not sure how much) and he heard the original twin’s side of the story and her apology, he may forget about his “in the moment” reaction and give this “relationship” another shot because she “promised” not to do anything like this again and wants to earn his trust back .and all that other stuff. It does sound like he may be caving in.
All I know is that if it were me or my child, I would be thinking along the same lines you are thinking. And if they do begin dating again, I too would always have this in the back of my mind and not fully trust her. Forget the funny story down the road to tell others; tell your son to think of the now.
Trust is so important in any relationship. And trust is built and earned, not readily given like a dozen roses. She has broken trust with your son and no matter if they marry and spend 50 years together, the trust they would have would stem from this incident. I believe in “wiping the slate clean and starting new,” but not in every scenario. If something is done by accident or unintentionally, fine, it can be understood. This was a plan worked out between the sisters. Both are equally responsible.
Lastly, may I add that yes, people hope that their spouses get along with their sibling and their spouses; if not, it just makes family gatherings awkward. But this goes beyond the norm. How intertwined are these sisters in each other’s lives? That’s what I’d be concerned with.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
