Sometimes I receive emails that share a common theme. For the past few weeks, I’ve received at least one email a week regarding this topic. I’m going to address it from both sides: male and female. Two letters, one from a male and one from a female, share the same theme, and my response can be applied to both.
Dear Goldy,
It doesn’t matter if I’m 20 or 30; I have always wanted to date men who are eight to ten years older than me, or more. I don’t have “Daddy Issues,” as one shadchan put it. My father was and is a wonderful man and father. I didn’t feel abandoned or misunderstood… I just feel that so many boys masquerade as men. I’m not interested in dating or marrying a 25- or 30-year-old “man” who is immature and doesn’t know the meaning of compromise, sharing, or sometimes giving up what you want because it means something more in the long run to your spouse or family… More importantly, I want to marry someone who knows how to treat a lady, his wife, and what it means to be chivalrous… I’ve found that the boys I’ve dated who are within a couple of years of my age are immature. I feel like I’m speaking with a teenager.
Does that make sense? Maybe it makes me old-fashioned that I want to be treated like a lady and want to marry a man in all meanings of the word. I find myself bored with the boys my age.
Chana
Dear Goldy,
I’m one of very few men I know who want to marry a woman older than themselves. I’m twenty-seven and have gone out with so many girls in their early to mid-twenties and haven’t enjoyed the dates. I’m not saying any of these girls are stupid or shallow or that I’m superior; I just can’t find any common ground to discuss or subjects that we share the same opinion about. I’m not talking about marrying a woman ten years older than I am, but I don’t rule out or reject women who are five years older than I am.
It may seem like there’s a double standard: it’s fine for men to date younger. It’s expected. But you should see the looks I get from others when I tell them what type of woman I am looking for and add, “She can be older than me. I prefer that.”
I’ve enjoyed dates with older women more than I have with younger ones. It’s not like we discuss history or anything like that. Maybe I’m an old soul. I’m looking for a mature woman. It’s hard to describe without putting down younger women, and I’m not putting them down. I just like older women better. Sometimes it’s hard to find a woman who wants to date a younger guy, more than a year younger than she is. They wonder what’s wrong with me. They wonder if I’m looking for a mommy or a cougar, but I’m not.
What do you say?
Ben
Thank you, Chana and Ben, for writing in.
I responded to each separately, but I’m going to combine my responses here because it may help my readers who feel the same as Chana and Ben do.
As I always say, be yourself and don’t be apologetic about it. If you like and get along with people of the opposite sex who are older (or younger) than you and want to date them, go ahead. As long as they don’t mind the age difference, there shouldn’t be any issue.
I’m a little older than my husband. My grandmother was seven years older than my grandfather. I have a friend who is four years older than her husband, and my parents have friends where the husband is about a decade older than the wife. I don’t know if these people had mixed feelings about dating their now-spouses or wondered, “What will people think or say?” They did it anyway.
I can relate to both Chana and Ben saying they feel more comfortable dating people older than they are. For women, it’s acceptable that the husband will be older, but by a few years. After you pass eight or ten years, people tend to think differently. Yes, some may say the woman may have “Daddy Issues,” but Chana, you said you don’t. So, what does it matter what others think? Literally, do you want to miss out on a lifetime of happiness because of what some people may say?
Ben, I will add that it is a bit unusual, but not unheard of, for a man to want to date a woman who’s older than him. And kol hakavod to the women who date men more than a year younger than they are. Age is just an age. Both of you equated it to how you feel you are treated by the person you date. And that could be true. But again, whatever works for you.
I went out with a man who was about seven or eight years older than I was at the time, but he still acted like a teenage boy. Age has nothing to do with intelligence, maturity, chivalry, compromising… That all depends on the person himself or herself, how they were raised, and the insights they have into the world around them. If it clicks, let it click.
Now, the elephant in the room: the men who date women more than ten years their junior. Sometimes the young woman feels like she was set up and is dating her father or grandfather. Then she’s told the man in his mid-40s or 50s still wants to have children, so he won’t consider dating anyone over 33 or 35. I’m not talking about that group. That group deserves its own separate article, which I think I’ve written about in the last ten-plus years that I’ve had this column.
Chana, I’m sure your father was and is a great father and man. That should have no bearing on the issue of who you date and feel comfortable with. It may be a compliment to your father. You grew up watching a man take care of his wife and family… and so you feel comfortable marrying the same type, so you’ll feel secure. Or I could be way off the mark.
Ben, not many people asked my grandparents how old they were. They only asked that when they passed away: “How old was she or he?” And because they died more than a decade apart, I can assure you that no one did the math. If not for my parents being invited to their friend’s husband’s birthday party to celebrate a milestone, I never would have known that this man, whom I had known my whole life, was significantly older than his wife. It shocked me for a second, but literally a second. I didn’t ask my parents, “Was she or he so desperate to get married that he or she dated someone older or younger?” No. It went in one ear and out the other.
I’m sure there are more couples out there than you realize where the age gap between spouses is significant, in both directions. They don’t make a big deal out of it, and neither should you. If a shadchan is making you question your choices, then that shadchan isn’t the right one for you. The job of the shadchan isn’t to steer people away from the direction they want to go in or the people they want to date. It’s to guide them and help introduce them to those they may not have the opportunity to meet without their help. But if you’re asking the shadchan for their own personal thoughts because you’re having some doubts, then it’s a different story. I hope that shadchan would advise you as a third party without any stakes in the game and give the best advice that you need to make up your mind.
I found it interesting that Chana referred to younger men as boys and Ben referred to younger women as girls. Boys and girls don’t date for marriage. They may be 28 or 38, but they may have the maturity level of a 15-year-old. You both feel they are immature, so you refer to them by immature terms; I just found that interesting to point out. Don’t group all younger men and women together. You may find an old soul like yourself mixed in with the rest of the pack.
Date whomever you want to date. It’s your life and happiness.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
