I’ve said it before and I’ll say (write) it again: I don’t know everything, and I don’t pretend to. I respond to every letter and question asked as I would a friend, not like a therapist or Rebbetzin. That’s why I say that my new book, Been There, Dated That, “isn’t your mama’s advice book.” If I feel the person who wrote in is in the wrong, I’ll write it, and I have. I won’t lecture or bring in Tanach.... I’m prefacing this specific letter with this because I don’t know how to really answer this question except to say, “But it’s not Shabbosdik! It’s not the same thing!” Read on. How would you answer the question?
I also want to add that the theme of this letter sounded familiar. Did I write about it once before? I checked my files, can’t find the article, but if I did, it must be allllll the waaaay in the back of the memory of my computer and brain, where I can’t seem to retrieve it. So, forgive me if this feels familiar to you, but I hope if I responded to a similar letter, it was with the same response as now, so at least I stay consistent.
Dear Goldy,
I’m an “older single.” I’ve been dating for a long time. Nothing surprises me. Like you, I call myself the Queen of First Dates, even Princess of Second Dates and Empress of Third Dates. After that, it depends on whom I’m dating. But basically, I think by now I’ve seen and heard it all, or so I thought.
This time I was the Princess. It was my second date with Jeremy, and things were going well. Conversation was good, we were having a nice time... And then he said something that stunned me. I didn’t know how to answer except to say “no.” I couldn’t back it up. It just seemed wrong, but I couldn’t say why.
We were speaking about what we do and where we go for Shabbosim: to friends, away with friends, to family, hosting meals in our apartment.... Things were going smoothly until Jeremy asked, “Do you keep the TV on a Shabbos clock, or are you a no-TV-on-Shabbos type of girl?” I waited. I had nothing in my head. Words didn’t come out of my mouth because I’ve never been asked that before. Ever.
I would consider myself a no-TV-on-Shabbos type of girl. I guess. I never thought about it. I never had to think about it. But Jeremy continued talking: “If you’re allowed to put lights and the air conditioner on a Shabbos clock to go off and on and you get enjoyment from them, why can’t you do the same with television?” I felt like a five-year-old. “You can’t. You just can’t. You can’t watch TV on Shabbos....” I don’t know halachos. But I know this is a big no-no. Right? Jeremy wasn’t confrontational or even wanting to start a fight. He just wanted an answer to his question. I told him I never really thought about it. And then I asked if he does it. He said that he does, “not all the time, only if there’s a playoff game on or something I really want to see.” He explained he davens in shul, eats his Shabbos meal, and then, when the TV goes on, he watches it. I asked if he ever had anyone over in his apartment when he’s done this. He said he has a friend or two over, but it’s the same friend “or two” whenever he does it.
I asked him if he asked a rav about this. He said that no one asks a rav about a Shabbos timer for a clock or air conditioner, so why should he ask about a TV? This just doesn’t sound right to me. Do you know of any halachah that says you can’t watch TV on Shabbos? This can be a deal breaker, can’t it?
Chava
Thank you for your email, Chava.
Wow. Great question. I, too, am speechless for a moment. I don’t think I’ll be able to find you anything out of the Shulchan Aruch or Mishnah Berurah about watching television on Shabbos because there weren’t any televisions back then. Just like I think some minhagim we’ve taken on and are filed under don’t do are like that because back in the day when the Mishnah was written, doing these things took much more effort than they do nowadays, so it was considered special, so you wouldn’t do those things on specific days. For example, wearing leather, taking baths/showers.... Thousands of years ago, it took time to heat up a hot bath (first you had to bring up the gallons of water from the creek/river/pond). You couldn’t just go to the store to buy leather shoes that were mass-produced, but you can do it today in a matter of minutes.... But that’s just my opinion. And I still adhere to all of them. I’m just saying I think that they were deemed not allowed in days/weeks of mourning because way back when, it took time to accomplish it, and people were incredibly happy and proud to have those things in their possession or to be able to do whatever it is. Okay, that was all a side point.
Chava, I agree with you. Watching TV just doesn’t seem Shabbosdik. Yes, I get joy out of lights going on along with the air conditioner on Shabbos, but TV seems like a whole other type of enjoyment and to be filed under what’s allowed or not allowed. So, I can’t quote you anything. I’d do the same as you, keep saying, “But you can’t.... It’s not Shabbosdik.”
You asked a question: Is this a deal breaker? You also asked him if he asked a rav about this. First of all, in today’s world, I think you can find a rav to agree to just about anything you can make an argument for. And that’s why we were taught: only ask one rav. Don’t go around until you get the answer you want, because once you hear “no,” that’s your answer. I say this because I once had a conversation with a woman that I don’t know well. She was in her shanah rishonah, and for some strange reason, we were left in the same room all by ourselves for a lengthy amount of time. There was a movie playing on the TV, so I was watching it, and then all of a sudden she asked me a question, not out of left field, but out of a different stadium altogether! It had to do with taharas hamishpachah. I had been married about four or five years by then. I guess she thought I was “an elder in the tribe.” We didn’t know each other well, but suddenly I hear, “What do you do when _____?” Okay. This is where we are, I thought. My answer was simple. The answer is no. I don’t. We don’t. It’s not allowed, and it’s not what any of you may be thinking because it was a very odd question. But my answer flew out of my mouth. “No.” The woman was surprised because, “I asked a rav, and he said....” All I said was that I didn’t know that rav, where he got semichah, what extenuating circumstances there were.... I’ve heard people say that everyone keeps their own Torah: one person thinks it’s fine to come late to shul, one person thinks it’s fine to have a five-year-old turn on a light, or turn it off, another person thinks it’s fine to have her cleaning lady on Shabbos.... Let me stress: To each his own! I’m not judging. We all have to answer for our actions and words after meah v’esrim. I’ll do me, and you do you.
I will add that I have relatives who have their clock radios go on all week long, including Shabbos. So, for an hour or so, maybe before they get out of bed, they can hear what has happened in the world, if something has happened in Israel or to the President of the United States. Is that right? It’s in the same category as television. But I don’t know the answer to it. It goes off and on by itself; you’re just in the room listening. There are so many scenarios and questions. I’m not denying that. I don’t know the answer.
The question about this being a dealbreaker is really up to you. How do you feel about it? Did you ask Jeremy if he would consider not watching if the woman he married doesn’t want him to? He can always watch it after Shabbos. Is this a big deal to him? Is it a dealbreaker for him if you don’t like it? For this, I advise that you consult a rav or mentor or dating coach that you trust. Yes, over the years, couples grow and mature together. But sometimes one grows while the other doesn’t, yet it still works for them. How do you feel about all of this? If it were me, I would say it would be a dealbreaker. I may be out of my father’s house and out of yeshivah for many years, but it’s just not Shabbosdik to me, and I don’t need any halachah to tell me this. But this is just me, my opinion. What are this person’s priorities that they make it a point to make TV a part of their Shabbos? How would you feel if Jeremy watches the game in the den and you are reading a book or going to bed on Friday night? There are so many more questions I have, but my allotted space has run out.
These are real questions. Find answers that feel true to you and who you are and the person you are trying to be and going to be.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
