This happens, without fail, every June and July, since I began the “Dating Today” column. It comes in all forms: emails, face-to-face with someone on Main Street, etc. It’s the question or comment about the girls who came home from seminary during the previous few weeks/months. Often, they are referred to as “the/a new crop” of eligible girls, or something similar. I just love it when someone is comparing human beings to corn or wheat, or even livestock. [Sigh] Technically, it’s not too far from the truth, I hate to admit.
The farmers/ranchers are the shadchanim sending their best produce/livestock to market, the new girls beginning to date. The crop/animal is arranged to look its best. The farmer/ranchers report that “It’s my best crop in years, decades probably.” Hopefully, the farmer sells his crop/cattle and gets a good price for it – hopefully, the girl will date her zivug and she’ll become a kallah sooner rather than later. If not, the fruits or livestock that didn’t sell are sent to a secondhand seller. They get sold, but they were the ones that weren’t scooped up right away. The farmer can’t take them back to the farm/ranch, so it gets shipped to others in need. It reminds me of the website. I can’t remember the name of it at the moment. It sells oddly shaped vegetables that wouldn’t sell at Whole Foods or Farmers Market. These fruits and veggies are just as good as their counterparts that sold right away, but yet, they are rejected for what they look like – but the vitamins, nutrients, and taste are still inside, and they are just as good.
I hated typing the above paragraph. I do not compare any person of any sort to a vegetable, animal, or mineral (well, maybe a diamond). But this is what is being said how the girls entering the shidduch world are viewed. I am disgusted by it. I’ve even heard the term, “fresh meat” used. It reminds me of how the term is used in another way, which I will not include here. Shadchanim and boys/men and their mothers get excited around this time of year. I have heard it with my own ears, so please don’t say “she’s making it up. This doesn’t happen.” Shadchanim who are unable to redt any shidduchim to a young gentleman under the age of 25 or 27 will usually say, “Wait a couple of months. The girls are coming back from seminary. Once they’re settled, I’ll call their mothers.” As I have written many times, words have power. You can say “there’s a new group of girls” or something like it. Comparing a person or groups of people to produce or animals is not acceptable and tells me exactly how you approach dating and think of these young women. So don’t bother with any hate mail, such as “How can you write such a thing.” I wrote it because it’s true and it’s being said, but I hate it.
I remember when my niece came home from seminary, and how my sister was protective of her. She hadn’t seen her daughter in months. Her daughter had matured. She wanted to get to know this new woman before shadchanim were going to get a hold of her. My sister told me that she was receiving calls the week my niece came home. My friends who have daughters of the same age felt just the same. And when I write protective, I don’t mean the mothers felt they had to protect, defend, or fight the ugly, nasty, mean world on their daughters’ behalf. I mean they want things to settle, get back in the family swing of things, if possible. Yet, there are mothers speaking to shadchanim on behalf of their daughters the same week as they are sorting through their laundry and packing the suitcases away. Everyone is different. Right now, I am referring to people who view the young ladies as potential wives, zivugs, basherts as soon as they pass through customs in the airport – which is fine. But you see how I referred to the girls coming home from seminary? Not cattle or produce, but as people you want to spend the rest of your life with.
When “the new crop” floods the market, what happens to those that have been on the market for years (all puns are intentional)? The women who have been in the shidduch world worry. I read emails and remember from when I was in the parshah. There are girls 23 or 26 years old who are worried that shadchanim won’t pay as much attention to them anymore, because there are new girls coming into the picture. There is also a very big worry among these ladies that the men in the age group they are dating in (under 25 or 30) may want to try dating a girl who is younger and new to dating. I have heard this. The thought behind it is that the new girls aren’t as jaded as the ones who have been dating for a couple of years. I’ve also heard that because these girls have just come home from seminary and are trying to find what’s right for them, now that they are home, they may be easier to influence or win over because they aren’t on solid ground. I don’t agree with that either. Some girls have their heads on straight and know who they are and what they want out of life (not just out of a husband) and can’t be manipulated in any way or shape into the wife whom the husband wants, who isn’t necessarily the person who this young woman is. I’ll provide an example if some people are lost with what I am referring to. Believe me, I had to use Thesauraus.com many times while writing this article to ensure that I was using the correct word, and even then, I wasn’t completely sure.
Pretend you have a fresh container of Play-Doh. It’s all fresh, smells great, you can form it into almost anything you want, it’s so pretty. Now leave the Play-Doh out overnight and come back to it. You can still roll it out and create things with it, but it’s not as easy as it was the day before. The edges are dried out, it’s a bit harder to roll at first. This is how the girls entering the shidduch parshah are seen by many – easy to form into whatever they want, but the older girls are a little harder to roll and form shapes with at first. I am not comparing anyone to Play-Doh. It’s an analogy. I have written a few times about a fellow who didn’t want to date me because he wanted a “yes wife” and he knew I wasn’t the type. He basically wanted someone to agree with everything he said, have his ego stroked, and because I had a head on my shoulders, he knew I wouldn’t be easy to control/manipulate, form into the person he wanted. I think that’s awful. Don’t date someone because you think you can change them. It doesn’t matter if the person is 22 or 52. People are different. They have their own opinions, likes, and dislikes. And that’s fine. With time, people change, mature – and sometimes spouses grow together (and sometimes not), but don’t go into any relationship thinking you can make the person change or become what you want. Okay. I’m veering off topic here.
B’kitzur: I don’t like when girls entering the shidduch parshah are compared or referred to as anything except young women. We all know what you mean by “new crop and fresh meat,” but it sounds vulgar. Women don’t say, “New farmers comin’ to market,” when the young men return from yeshivah. Please don’t forget about the women who are here and have been in the dating parshah for a few years. Nothing is wrong with them. There is no “reason” why they aren’t married yet, except that it’s not their time. Younger doesn’t necessarily mean better or someone more open to suggestion or able to agree with everything you say and want. For the 30-year-old men wanting to date the girls returning from seminary (and you know who you are), the girls think it’s strange to want to date someone eight-to-ten years younger than they are. They do.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
