Dear Goldy:
I’m not complaining about my feelings – as you always write. But the truth is I feel bad. It’s the summertime, I’m of a mature age, and I would love to go on a vacation somewhere, a cruise, a tour...something. This past year, the last of my single friends got married. It used to be that a group of us would vacation in the summer or winter. But as the years went on, our numbers dwindled, and it’s just me left. I don’t want to take a trip or go lounge on a tropical beach by myself. And I sure as heck don’t want to spend my summers at the New York City beaches.
My sister said I can still ask friends; everyone wants a little “me time.” She said to talk about a girls’ trip with my friends. It may not be able to stretch into seven-to-ten days, but it can be a few days of fun. My friends with kids probably want a break from their responsibilities. She said she heard of ladies doing it. Arrangements are made for babysitters – until the daddies get home from work. They plan meals and leave instructions, but it can be done.
Sometimes my friends and I get together for dinner. We always have a good time. The conversation turns into something about their kids or husbands, but I get it. That is their life now. I don’t not expect it to come up in conversation. I just don’t want to spend a vacation with friends calling home to FaceTime with their kids or talking about kids all the time. It makes me a little jealous, and after a few minutes it gets boring. I’m interested in your kids and husband to a point. After that, it bores me.
Is this my only option or is there something else you can think of?
Judy
*****
Thank you, Judy, for your email.
I definitely understand your situation. I was in it myself for a year or two before I got married. I ended up going on vacation with my sister and her family for years. No, I didn’t feel like the fifth wheel, and no, I wasn’t used as the nanny. But I did volunteer to watch my nieces for a few hours in the evening in case my sister and her husband wanted some free time – which they did. We all had a good time, and my nieces remember “the times you came with us before you got married.” My sister and I are very close, so it was a time we got to spend together when we couldn’t see each other on a weekly basis (FaceTime was popular then).
I read about your two issues. The first is: You want to go on vacation but have no one to go with. And the second is: If you go on vacation, you want to be able to discuss only topics that interest you.
I hear what you’re saying about not wanting to spend the summer on NYC or Long Island beaches. I hope I’m not offending anyone, but the beaches are crowded and most of the time garbage is lying around. Jones Beach or any other beach can’t hold a candle to a tropical beach or one in Florida. (At least in my opinion. I did not include the West Coast beaches because I have never been to one.) But let’s look at your situation through realistic eyes; your sister is right. Unless you want to go on a trip or to the beach by yourself, you need to ask a friend or two if they can get away for a few days on a girls’ trip.
You may not be able to travel as far as you want (a different country) or stay for seven to ten days, but a few days in Florida or at a spa with friends sounds great. Some wives and mothers do take a girls’ trip once a year or so. Three years ago, I was offered the chance to go with a friend to Florida, but my kids were too young to leave with a babysitter for most of the day and night until my husband came home and would have to go it alone for a few nights. I just didn’t think it was a nice thing to do: leave him with two young children knowing he worked long hours. It wasn’t fair to him or for my kids. My friend understood. She asked someone else, with older children, and it worked out. They had a great time, if you go according to their social media pics.
In regard to the topic of conversation: This can’t be helped. It’s not like you are going away with a friend who just went through a breakup, and you make a rule, “You can’t say your ex’s name.” These are women who have children and/or a spouse who love and need to speak with them (especially those with younger children). Yes, these ladies are mothers, and sometimes all they have to talk about is their kids, because they may feel overwhelmed or not able to have a life outside the house for themselves – hence a girls’ trip to get away. Or not, they may just enjoy talking about their family. It brings them joy. Either way, you can’t make a rule that family talk is not allowed. I hate to even write this, because I know what I felt when it was told to me when I was single; but sometimes, unless you’re in it, you don’t get it. You may not understand how these ladies love their families and sometimes they need to vent or want to shep nachas.
Sometimes family talk does bother me, only if it’s not stop and someone is filibustering or trying to one-up someone: “You think that’s bad/cute, listen to this: my kid...” It’s not a competition. But I’m sure that your friends will be able to find many topics of conversation to speak about. You may even reminisce about times when you were younger and less conservative or restrictive than you (as a group) are now. It is what it is. You may speak about topics that they find boring, but they’ll pay attention and discuss it with you. They won’t say, “Bored. Next topic, please.” It’s all part of being a friend. But keep in mind, Judy, that if they do speak about their family, it’s not meant to hurt you because you don’t have one of your own. It’s because this is their life. Just like you would speak about your job, hobbies you have, your family. You speak about your life, and they can only speak of what they know.
What about asking your sister if she wants a girls’ trip? Or asking cousins to join and doing a female family trip or something? Maybe ask co-workers whom you like and want to get to know better. Yes, you want to go with friends, but try to think outside the box and ask someone you may end up having a great time with.
I know someone who has taken two cruises by herself. She’s older and a widow, not exactly in your category, but she said that she met great people, other frum people. She didn’t feel obligated to go anywhere or do anything because of a companion. She sat poolside for hours or went shopping for hours in whatever port the cruise docked at. It was all up to her. Going places on your own may not be for everyone. I know some people who have issues going to the pizza shop by themselves or to the movies alone. You have to do what feels good for you. I remember post-graduate school I was in the mood to go somewhere. I spent the past two years working hard and now I just wanted to do something, anything. I ended up going to Disneyworld with my mother. We both love(d) Disney and my father wasn’t able to get away. So, it was just the two of us for five days. I had a great time. No, we didn’t get to know each other better or have deep cleansing conversations, but we went somewhere we both love with someone we loved who understood our love for Disney. (Please no emails about how Walt Disney was a Nazi or Nazi sympathizer. I know it all and I choose to like what he and others created, because anything built or made to make others happy is right up my alley.)
Judy, ask a friend whom you feel would be able to clear a few days in her calendar so she can get away. Or ask your sister or co-workers; but like I said, try to look outside the box if your friends aren’t able to join you this time around. And if you do end up going someplace with another person or two, just let the conversation flow. There are ebbs and flows in conversation – boring and exciting parts. I’m sure you can endure listening to a “cute” story or two, just like whomever you are with can endure listening to you complain about your job or something else. The important thing is to have fun.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
