Dear Goldy:
I’ve been dating for many years. In the beginning, I only wanted to date someone who was planning on living in the tri-state area. I’m very close with my family and I can’t imagine going weeks or months without seeing them. Skype and Zoom are not the same thing as in-person. I can’t go to my sister’s house for a cup of coffee one afternoon or go shopping with my mom or have her pop over and bring me some “extra” supper that was left over if I live out of town. This has been the life for my married siblings, and I want it. They are always popping over one another’s house or going places together with their kids. I didn’t think this would be an issue. This is New York, New Jersey, and even Connecticut; there are thousands of guys out here and I felt like there was no need to look elsewhere.
But things didn’t go as planned. I’m still single. The Tri-State Area doesn’t seem to have what I’m looking for, or what’s looking for me. Finally, I took the advice everyone had been trying to tell me all along and looked elsewhere for my bashert. “Maybe he lives in Florida or Chicago, or what about Israel? Why limit yourself?” I was told it was to my detriment not to date someone from other states and countries. These same people told me that I can still be close with my family and that it isn’t realistic to pop over to their house, or their house to yours, every week. I know what they were saying was right, but I had another issue I kept to myself.
I’ve never been away from home for more than a month. I went to sleepaway camp when I was younger, didn’t go to seminary for the year. I’ve been on vacations with friends and family all over the world, but I haven’t been on my own, by myself, independent, and I’m scared. I know that when and if I go, it’ll be with a husband whom I will love and whom I will want to go with; but at this point, I can’t imagine liking someone to the point of leaving my family behind.
Shira
*****
Thank you for your letter, Shira.
If I understand your letter correctly, the issue is two-fold. The first being that you want to stay within close proximity of your family so you can always have drop-ins for coffee and visit each other. The other issue is that you feel that because you have never been on your own for long periods of time, in other words independent, you can’t see yourself liking anyone enough to want to try venturing out to another state or country. But now you’re stuck because Plan A didn’t work out. Did I get it right?
I agree with those that told you it isn’t realistic for you to expect to see your family all the time and to do things together all the time. Life happens. Work happens. Kids happen. Responsibilities happen. Your siblings and parents have been lucky that they have been able to live near each other and have the time to visit so often. But most families don’t live with that luxury. Or if they do, they don’t get to see their family as often as they would like because life takes over. I do know of families that have stayed within close proximity of each other and live the life of your parents and siblings, but most of the people/families I know, don’t. Some live in the Five Towns or in Brooklyn, and their siblings live in New Jersey, Israel, Chicago, etc. I’m not saying that what you want is unattainable; but like you said, you’ve been sticking to the plan of dating local fellows that want to remain local, and it’s gotten you nowhere. So, yeah, it’s time for Plan B.
I know someone who never wanted to leave the house and comfort/safety of her family. She never went to sleepaway camp or even went on a sleepover – in fact, she had her father pick her up from a friend’s house half an hour before the z’man, when she decided she couldn’t stay at the friend’s house for Shabbos. She got cold feet and chickened out. When this girl was in high school, she was invited to stay over at her friend who lived on the same block. ON. THE. SAME. BLOCK. The friend’s parents were away for Shabbos and the girl invited a few friends over. This girl went down the block, but when the time came to go to sleep, she walked home – and walked back to her friend’s house at 9 a.m. on Shabbos morning. She knew she was happy staying home and so she did. She didn’t even give seminary a thought!
Now comes time for shidduchim, and she is redt to a very fine “boy” from a “great family.” The issue is the fellow and his family live out of state (not in New Jersey or Connecticut either). She was told that there was no chance of living in New York because the family business was in the state he lived in. If she wanted to date this fellow, she had to go into it knowing that if things worked out, she’d be moving very far away. The girl weighed the pros and cons and decided to give it a shot. Wouldn’t you know it – the girl married this very fine “boy.” Now comes the time when she has to pack up and move. The girl who never left her family had to move hundreds of miles away. And she did. She loved her husband that much. Loved her husband, not just “liked” him. She loved him enough to do what she never wanted to do. I’m told that when she said goodbye to her parents and walked to the car to drive to her new home and state, she did not look back, because she was afraid that she’d chicken out and start crying. So off she went.
Over 20 years later, she is exactly where she is supposed to be with her friends and her family, far away from her blood family. They FaceTime all the time. She and her family or her parents make the trip to visit for a Shabbos or Yom Tov every couple of months. They spend a week in the summer together. But she is living her life, the life she was meant to live – nowhere near her sister or parents. She’s never popped in on her sister or vice versa “just because,” or met for coffee and shopping. She goes to lunch with her sister-in-law often and pops over to her friend’s house with kids. But she and her family remain extremely close. Maybe it’s because they didn’t let physical distance become an issue. They are emotionally very close, talk a couple of times a day, send pics back and forth, and are on a private family chat.
I know that’s just one example and you are not that girl, ahem, woman. But I wrote about that woman and her family to show you it can be done. Yes, there were tears for many months in two states from both family and the girl. But her husband is her true bashert. You can just see it from being around them. If she never considered dating an “out-of-towner,” who knows who she would have married or if she’d be married. It’s fine to have your fears, but know that you will never know what’s out there if you don’t take a chance. If you don’t go outside of your comfort zone and get the picture of popping over to your family every week out of your head, you’ll never know what you’re missing. And at the moment, you’re missing your bashert.
Shira, do whatever you want, but keep what I have written in your head and figure out what’s best to do. And no, until you are in love, you can’t imagine doing anything for anyone that you don’t think you’ll want to do as a single. Who knows? You may want to move. They say, “Love makes you do crazy things.” It’s true.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
