I am going to begin by typing that I’m aware that this is a very sensitive topic for some. I will be as delicate as possible.
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Dear Goldy:
It seems that the most important question to ask someone when reading a shidduch for a woman over 38/40 is if she had her eggs frozen? It doesn’t matter if the girl is pretty or has a good job or personality. The single most important factor is: Has she frozen her eggs?
I’m not saying that I don’t understand why the question is asked. I’m saying that I don’t like the way it’s asked and how it’s asked. I’m 40 and it seems like it’s the most important question to ask me. There is so much technology today that women are able to have children well into their 50s, some naturally and some with help from the medical community.
Last week, a shadchan called me saying, “I have a guy who would be great...” She barely told me anything about him when she said that he only wants to date “older girls” who had their eggs frozen. Wow, getting personal right away.
It seems that in the last few years it’s the “in-thing” to talk about freezing your eggs if you’re over a certain age. But I also know that women have been doing this for years before it became “the” topic of discussion. I feel that by shadchanim or men asking this upfront, it literally puts all the eggs in one basket. It’s saying that “You, the female, are responsible for the procreation of this family. It is up to you, and you alone, if my name will carry on for future generations.” Firstly, no pressure, right? Secondly, it’s not true. This may come as a shock to some men, but the fertility issue can stem from the male. For example: The wife can be 25, 35, or 45, her eggs and uterus may be in perfect condition, but she can’t conceive. Low and behold, after much testing, the doctor tells the couple that they haven’t been able to conceive because of the male partner. It’s not just up to the wife, so why are we made to feel like we have the weight of the world on our shoulders and that gives anyone the right to ask us very personal questions about our reproductive system and what medical treatments we had or did not have? Is the next question going to be, “How many eggs are “viable”?
I understand men and women not wanting to waste their time with a dead-end shidduch; but to make this the determining factor if the couple should go out is wrong. Basically, the question is important, but it’s asked in a rude way. It’s asked by strangers. It’s asked before the shidduch is even given a real chance, “she didn’t freeze her eggs? Then forget it.” Who knows how many potential matches never happened because of this.
Henny
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Thank you for your email, Henny (pun very much intended).
I completely understand what you’re saying. It’s rude to ask a woman such a personal question right off the bat. Yes, as you said, it’s an important question to ask, but maybe after you decide you like being around each other and want to see if you can make the relationship work. Sometimes I am an advocate of the ends justifying the means – but not here, not when you ask such personal information. I think it’s worse if a shadchan asks before the fellow would even agree to the date, because then it all boils down to dating her reproductive system, not the woman as a person.
I called a friend who recently married. She’s in her mid-40s. I told her that I was not asking if she froze her eggs, but I wanted to know how often she was asked the question. “All the time.” But I loved her response. She said if a shadchan asked, she would answer, “As soon as you tell me his sperm count, I’ll tell you about my eggs.” She’s not wrong either.
You hit the nail on the head when you said that such a question makes the women feel like the only person in the relationship responsible for fertility issues. That’s a lot of weight to carry, but those aren’t really all the facts. Twenty-three years ago, in graduate school, I had to research a paper that involved fertility and medical advances (the class was Social Work and Medicine). At the time - and I’m sure numbers have changed since then - it was found that 54% of couples with fertility issues weren’t because of the female partner in the relationship. It had to do with the male partner for a number of reasons – none which I am discussing here. So, yes, women are meant to feel like the one to bear this responsibility, but men play an equal part in the equation. But I’m sure it would be “rude” or “crass” if the woman asked for the sperm count of the intended shidduch.
I didn’t know it, but I found out that I was considered a “high risk” for both my pregnancies. The reason was simple: I was in my mid-30s. At that time and maybe still today, a pregnant woman over the age of 32/33 is considered high risk. I didn’t get any special treatment. I wasn’t monitored 24/7, but that’s how I was labelled. I was sitting in the exam room and the PA walked in. After looking at my chart, she asked, “You’re high risk?” That’s how I found out. She said she looked at my birthday and thought it was a clerical error; baruch Hashem, I didn’t look my age at the time. So, I can only imagine the term for mothers to be that are over the age of 40. But in today’s world, with all the technology and scientific breakthroughs, it shouldn’t be viewed as it was ten or even five years ago. There must be a new term by now.
Another friend, who’s still single, told me that on a first date she was asked the egg question within the first half hour. She has just met this fellow, barely even knew if she liked him enough for a second date and he’s asking about her reproductive status. She said she would answer the question if there were more dates to come, but if he was forward enough to ask the question before he got to know her, then she wasn’t interested in continuing the date. She felt like you do: Some men don’t want to “waste time” on a woman if she didn’t take the steps to ensure him an heir (her words, not mine). With your case, you weren’t even talking to your future spouse; you were speaking with a “go-between.” In my opinion, it’s inappropriate for the question to be asked right away or by a shadchan. Again, it’s not saying I don’t think the topic isn’t important. It is, but it should be handled delicately, like crystal. I can also understand why a 40/45/50-year-old man wants to know the answer to the question; but as I wrote, give the woman a chance before you dive into that conversation.
Just as women have a biological clock that’s ticking, men have it, too. I’ve seen news reports about it. Nothing is wrong with a man wanting to be a father. A man can have a child naturally at an older age than a woman can without involving doctors and treatments. I can count three (celebrity) men off the top of my head over the age of 60 whose partners had children within the last two years (the partners were decades younger). Men like to think they don’t have to rush the process, but woman may feel that they only have a limited amount of time. The older a woman is, many things can affect her reproductive system.
I can write much more about this topic. But I won’t. I answered Henny’s question, which was if I thought it was rude for the question to be asked before the first date or during the first date. I really can see both sides, but I’m going to say that my final answer is: It’s rude to ask the question to a complete stranger. It’s invasive.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
