Do you find yourself wanting to help someone but not being quite sure what she is in need of? You want to be of service to him or deepen your bond perhaps. But what can you plausibly offer others? Do you even know?
Do well to remember, sweet friends, that you have the ability to offer your loved ones and friends what they truly crave. What is that, you ask? We humans all desperately need support and soothing. Yes, even you.
Sometimes life feels like an ongoing crisis that never seems to end. We may feel some shapeless anxiety about our past or future. Every day seems to offer new threats to our very safety. We humans are all beset by feelings of inadequacy and insecurity at times.
Trust me. She is longing for you to simply say something comforting and conciliatory. “In a world full of bagels, you’re a doughnut.” Awww. You’re definitely not someone whom I pretend not to see in public. Okay, maybe not that one.
But truly, a word of appreciation and acclaim will remind him that you have faith in him. You will never know the effect of that one word of comfort or cheer. You can literally bolster her ability to endure what she is going through. You know what they say: “Talk is cheap. True appreciation is shown. I appreciate promotions, cash bonuses, and salary increases.”
Let her know that you found yourself thinking of her during the day. Tell him flat out what you admire about him. Offering encouragement is not the same as praise or puffery in order to ingratiate yourself with someone. It’s all right to tell him his strengths, but it’s far better to allow him to show his weakness, as well. Showing compassion and concern will be infinitely more valuable.
Unfortunately, most of our minds have a hard time holding on to nourishing thoughts. Furthermore, those secure thoughts are much more likely to stick if she addresses them to you than if you attempt to convince yourself. Indeed, we all live in the land of uncertainty and transience. Many of us seek Divine reassurance. But please do offer that shot in the arm to your loved ones.
He may seem utterly happy, but many things in his life will not go right. She will have her bouts of anxiety and loneliness despite her flawless image on the Gram. While we tend to think highly of logic and reasoning, what you may be seeking from your friend is having your feelings validated. You may not even be looking for answers at the moment.
At times, you may feel as though no one even notices your presence. Friends and family members may seem overwhelmingly preoccupied with their own family, work, or even hobbies. As they say: Children are a great comfort to us in our old age, and they help us reach it faster, too. Have you noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the whole wide world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?
“Isn’t it funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours, too?” But seriously, you may end up reaching a heartbreaking conclusion about your current situation. You feel profoundly alone.
We are all so insanely attached to our screens that we do not even notice if there is something wrong with someone around us. If you knew how desperate a loved one felt, no doubt you would have done anything to help. So please do look for hints. It would be wise to know this about human nature. Humans do not get through this life on their own wits.
Do not remain indifferent, please. Someone today needs you a lot. Above all, call out and ask for the help you need when you are in pain. You are not emotionally damaged, my friends. Do cultivate self-love.
Do not remain self-pitiful. Learn to let insults go, and don’t identify with the verdict of your enemies. Carry the implicit belief that blessings are what you deserve. Have a well-grounded sense of your worth at work. Resist the need to please everyone indiscriminately.
Please do not internalize your pain or act it out in rage. Admit your sadness and confusion. Explore the troubled corners of your mind with a trustworthy person. Learn from your self-exploration. Valuable lessons often come in painful guises.
Cultivate the inner resource of teaching him how you feel and what you need. Do not cling too tightly and refrain from trying to control her. You must know what your psychological wounds are in order to know exactly what kind of bandage you need, my friends. Remember that healing yourself is connected to healing others.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
