Sure, there are some situations in life that require extensive deliberation and reflection. Are you making a life-changing decision, or are you simply plagued with doubt, and overthinking yet again? There you go, rehashing that conversation with him and reliving that event with her that did not go too well.
It’s easy to imagine the most disastrous and dreadful outcome. What movie are you playing in your head at this very moment? Are you even aware that you have a running negative commentary in your mind?
It is crucial, my friends, to ask yourself if you are truly problem-solving. You know that the problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.
When we are fearful, we tend to indulge a loop of dismissive and defeatist thoughts. Instead of forever asking “why” something went wrong, ask, “How?” How can I improve or fix this or simply accept the situation I find myself in?
Believe it or not, failure is quite subjective. Please do not let family or friends define it for you. You know what they say: Family is like pizza: It’s messy, might give you a stomachache, and you can’t get enough of it. Then again, they also say: Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family. Hmmm. Then again, children are like pancakes. You sort of ruin the first one, and you get better at it the second time around.
But seriously, they may emphasize success as the “be-all end-all” goal. But remember, sweet friends, that defeat and loss can be your best teacher. Wisdom gained from our disappointments is oftentimes more impactful than knowledge gained from our successes.
Tragic episodes often result in investigations, which lead to improvements, that often save lives. Sometimes misfortune encourages us to re-evaluate what is important in our lives. That mishap may be but one step on your journey.
Instead of soaking in your own problems, try making time to reflect and think of ways to be and get better. The more you tell yourself not to think that thought, the more you will think it. Shift your focus. Put a stop to that stream of negativity by stopping and simply taking a walk. Oh, you told him that you want to walk down the aisle, so he sent you grocery shopping. Uh-oh. But truly, everything is walking distance if you have the time. Take a walk and kiss the earth with your feet.
Do not run on autopilot, please. Attend to what you are doing and feeling. Pay attention. Yes, you can move past this problem. Gain perspective by being grateful. During that avalanche of thoughts, remind yourself of your accomplishments, no matter how minor. During this holiday season, the things I’m most grateful for right now are elastic waistbands.
It’s okay to daydream. If they make you feel happy, stay uplifted. If you imagine unnecessary worries and all the ways that your dreams may go wrong, you are putting yourself in a vulnerable state of mind for no reason.
If you remain undecided and cannot seem to make firm choices, you may be following a path that leads only to a dead end. Ruminating damages our ability to focus or to make progress. When we are doubtful, we tend to think unhelpful thoughts, which creates even more anxiety.
You have been in a bad mood for weeks? Uh-oh. You can get stuck in a rut due to overthinking and avoiding things you like or enjoy. Do not revisit those old memories if they remind you of what went wrong in your life. Oh, and the nice thing about having a bad memory is that you can enjoy re-runs. I forget something new every day.
It’s all right to seek a deeper understanding of yourself, my friends. Do not drive your mood into the ground, please. Look back and be grateful. Look ahead and stay hopeful. Look around and be helpful.
Remember wise words that were once said: There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done: yesterday and tomorrow. Today is the day to live and love.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
