Do you have inner drive and self-motivation? Perhaps you seek excellent grades in school and aim for that promotion at work. I know. Your parents call it “bad grades,” but you call it “still passing.” Listen, kids. A bad teacher is no excuse for bad grades, Google knows it all. You’re up at dawn and your house is always in order. My kitchen cleaner says: “For a clean kitchen.” So I can’t use it. Mine is dirty. Then again, did you ever get excited about a clean sponge at the kitchen sink? When you cleaned your office, you just meant that you made a pathway from your door to your desk. I get it.
You have been anointed by your family and friends with the term “perfectionist.” So, what could possibly be wrong with you having such high standards, you may ask.
The truth is that people who strive for perfection do not actually love excellence in and of itself. It often has its origins in simply not feeling good enough. It feeds on self-doubt. Perhaps you did not receive the approval you craved as a child. Feeling unworthy can put so much pressure on your psyche that you will go to great lengths to stamp it out. You overwork. You try twice as hard as everyone around you to prove your value.
You tell yourself that someday you will finally relax and repose. But that lasting feeling of completion never seems to arrive. There is always another task to accomplish before you switch off or simmer down. You may feel proud of being so driven. Yet this, my friends, may be an escape from simply feeling awful about yourself. If you achieve enough, you now feel acceptable and respectable in your own mind.
What is the medium through which you strive to feel adequate and sufficient? Ideal mother, Grade A student, awesome employee? Whenever someone says: “I did something ‘like a boss,’” I assume that means he really didn’t do anything at all, and are just taking the credit for it. Oh, and by the way, you don’t actually have to be the smartest in the room. You just need to know the most corporate buzzwords.
Do you hand over your sense of self-worth to your boss or neighbor or children? They may always demand more of you. When children reach the age of 16, they discover the meaning of life: car keys. But truly, you deserve to be; and you need not prove that you even have a right to exist, sweet friends.
Your appearance or performance at work will never be the solution. You may pass your exam or get that promotion, but that will not correct a deficit from your early life. Do not labor under an intense impression that you are unacceptable.
You can overcome the deficits of not receiving early love and attention in your life. Strive to better understand your inner workings. Tolerate your mediocrity at times. Address your own inner struggles. You may wish to emulate your successful neighbor, or your personal trainer. By the way, when your personal trainer asks you if you’re ready for another set, you know that’s a rhetorical question. The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far, it’s going really well. I’ve resisted going to the gym for five days now.
But seriously, do you know how many difficulties lie behind them? What was the early version of him like? How many failures did she endure before she became so influential?
Do not chase ideals that are impossible to reach, please. Don’t tell yourself that your life “should” be like his, or that you should look like her. Appreciate your imperfect existence as it is. Simplify your rituals and embrace the transient nature of existence.
Isn’t your life asymmetrical after all? Do you worship your body? Bodies decay, and we all fall prey to old age. Heck, I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my “too weak” notice.
If you tiptoe through life, it will not take much to push you over. Constantly chasing a standard of perfection will exhaust you. You may end up feeling a sense of lack as though there is never enough.
The natural state of the world is imperfection. Do not try to banish all painful elements from your emotional state. Embrace the darker side of life. Things will not be as you decide they “ought” to be. Become aware, and despite the decay around you, pursue self-knowledge and growth.
Make an inventory of what you have in your life. Bring nature into your home when you can. Focus on the beauty of nature as you connect to the universe. Remember that nature creates as well as destroys. It’s been said: A walk in nature walks the soul back home.
By all means, do your best; slow down and actually enjoy your life. After all, it does have an expiration date.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
