What makes someone truly ready for love? If you have not taken the time to understand your past traumas or sorrows, you may be inclined to put yourself back into troublesome situations from the past, which run counter to healthy emotional needs in the present.

Do you keep choosing friends who end up remaining aloof or distant when it is closeness you truly crave? Do you choose jobs, try to please the boss to no avail each time, and end up quitting? You know the best way to overcome stress in the workplace is unemployment. Then again, it’s been said: If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.

But truthfully, what we humans do unconsciously is try to find something familiar enough for us to be drawn to it. We then attempt to give the story a different ending. Do you feel profoundly grateful whenever you conjure up the image of your close friend or mate?

You may find yourself complaining to anyone who will listen how he never shares his feelings or that she is way too competitive with you, You can feel as though you are the only healthy, emotionally fluid one in the friendship.

Perhaps you chose a partner who has little interest in profundity, or genuine emotional intimacy for that matter. It could be that yet again you accepted a job that leaves you profoundly unfulfilled.

We must all learn how to build trust and forge genuine connection. In truth, most are afraid of true intimacy and surrender. Your painful or frustrating childhood may have predisposed you toward defensiveness or even aloofness.

Very often we blame him for what we simply cannot bear within ourselves. Repeated disappointments may have made you lose your spark for life, sweet friends. Indeed, daily struggles can feel quite overwhelming at times. Perhaps you feel stuck between where you are and where you truly wish to be.

You might end up feeling numb and losing interest in most things. It is easy for negative thoughts to sweep in and make it all seem pointless. Do not allow yourself to drown in a pool of depression or anxiety. Please ask for help when needed.

In order to try to get rid of feelings of emptiness, please do not engage in self-destructive habits. Shopping online for way too many items you do not need or even want, drinking, smoking, or trying every flavor doughnut on Planet Earth. Speaking of which, don’t you think there should be a calorie refund for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected? Listen, I finally found a diet that really works. It’s called: “the price of food.”

But seriously, you must find ways to strengthen your resilience and ability to bounce back. Do not distance yourself from friends and loved ones. The weight of the sadness will grow heavier day after day. Unhealthy coping mechanisms only make problems worse.

Hang onto hope, sweet friends. Your goals are worth pursuing. Make this moment your turning point. Never resign yourself, even if you feel that all hope is lost. This is not the end of your story. Stay connected to positive people instead of sinking into the zone of isolation.

Find a healthy way to express your pent-up emotions. Clean the house. You know what would make house cleaning way more fun? A maid. Then again, maybe you relate to this:

Walking into your room and saying, “I should clean this,” then walking out. You would rather lie on your sofa than sweep beneath it. I get it.

But truly, always look for inspirational role models. Listen to podcasts or read stories about those who overcame hurting and hardships. Seek out motivational articles or films.

Make some realistic plans to work on what is within your control. It’s okay to learn from other people’s mistakes. Forgive yourself and, by all means, be kind to you. Reward yourself for all of your efforts. Above all, always opt for self-love instead of self-pity.


Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens.  She works with individuals, couples, and families.  Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends.  She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.  or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.