I know: Failures can seem quite demoralizing and disheartening. But do you ever really learn from your mistakes? Sure, we all want to think of ourselves as competent, adept, and accomplished. A perceived mishap surely threatens our self-image. Are we not quite as skillful or savvy as we imagined?

If you feel discouraged and depressed, your brain may actually stop processing new information. If the threat to your self-worth is big enough, it can inhibit your ability to learn. So, what is your tolerance for making mistakes or for past failures?

Do you tend to highlight your strengths or weaknesses? Of course, critical feedback is essential for our growth. Though you may yearn for praise, know that in order to improve, you must tolerate critical observations. It’s been observed: The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.

Do you crave praise? You need to develop a high tolerance for your misjudgments and misconceptions. Remember that you learn from mistakes as much as from successes. How can you learn to improve if you ignore your failures? But do not develop a self-negativity bias toward yourself, please. If you wish to be more confident, try getting to know yourself better.

If you fumble or notice a flaw, take a kind understanding tone with yourself. Allow yourself to be imperfect. We all struggle with doubt. Do not feel disconnected from yourself. Cultivate healthy rituals. Head to the gym or cut that fresh salad. You know what they say: When nothing goes right, go lift. Speaking of which, does lifting coffee count as a bicep curl? Do I lift? Yes, I lift snacks to my mouth.

But truly, oftentimes others tell you how you “should” feel. Yet feelings are seldom in sync with life’s events. We rarely feel what they say we should, and we humans tend to be much more ambivalent in our hearts and minds.

We love and hate someone at the exact same time. But we suppress things that come into our consciousness if we deem them inappropriate. We may have some well-founded resentment toward others. Perhaps the cliques in school were cruel or intolerant, so you remain vigilant. Don’t worry, they’re all following Instagram instead of their dreams. Remember thinking you’d never need math in real life? High school math class: preparing you for the day you unexpectedly buy 47 melons.

So, what is the “right” feeling at any given time? Your friends or even family may expect you to grieve or rejoice in a proscribed way. You may register the emotion but maybe not at the exact moment that others say is “normal.”

Do not concern yourself and do accept the complexity of your thoughts and feelings. Do not demand that she smile at the wedding. Then again, they say: The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button. But seriously, have respect for the way he is in the moment. No, he may not break down at the funeral and he may actually have a cry months later.

Do not withhold love from yourself, sweet friends. You know what they say: If speaking kindly to plants helps them grow, imagine what speaking kindly to yourself can do. Notice if you are suffering and do offer yourself understanding and compassion. If you learn to care about yourself, you will change in ways that allow you to be healthier and happier.

It’s been observed: The only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you. Take a bite out of a doughnut instead. Check out my six-pack box of doughnuts. Eat more hole foods…aka doughnuts. Then again, it’s also been said: If you stop eating doughnuts, you will live three years longer. It’s just three more years that you want a doughnut.

But seriously, accepting your emotions does not mean that you allow them to overwhelm you. Become aware of how you show and wish to receive love. Do you love giving and getting gifts? Do you enjoy compliments, or would you prefer he does something specific for you? Would you appreciate quality time, and do you also crave affection?

Tell your loved ones what resonates for you. No sense buying her those flowers weekly if what she truly wants is simply a hug. And don’t forget to offer yourself a dose of daily self-love. In the aftermath of a setback, some of us tend to be very hard on ourselves.

Know that things will not always go according to plan. Use everything as an opportunity for self-growth. Reflect on some of your challenges with a trusted friend. Mistakes equal lessons. With self-reflection, you may just get to meet versions of yourself that you did not even know existed.

Learn to devote yourself to you. What self-loving actions can you do this week?


 Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens.  She works with individuals, couples, and families.  Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends.  She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.  or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.