Have you ever had a chat about nothing in particular with a total stranger? Perhaps at a bus stop or on the grocery store line? Oh, and did you ever get all your grocery shopping done for the week on Sunday, and ate half of it by Monday? I feel you. Then again, you know what they say: Grocery shopping – where you spend half your time looking for things you need and the other half avoiding people you know.
Believe it or not, those seemingly minor social exchanges can powerfully affect us at times. The truth is that many of us are never really far from sadness, disappointment, or distress. If you find yourself in a vulnerable or delicate mood, a kindly exchange with a perfect stranger can turn your frame of mind around for the rest of the day.
The chatter won’t change anything in your life, but the kindness and humanity on display certainly can. Indeed, those few minutes can change your world. This, sweet friends, is within your power to achieve right at this very moment. Next time you go out, share a sympathetic word with someone, or better yet, just share a simple “hello.”
This is not the same as the small talk you may be forced to make at social gatherings.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation. Yikes. Yes, I dread those, too. Do you just love talking about traffic, sports, the latest celebrity or the weather? Indeed, there are so many deeper, more profound topics to address. And, hey, your taste in music has me worried about getting stuck in traffic together. But no matter the weather; bring your own sunshine. But speaking of the weather, you realize that meteorologists are the only professionals who can be wrong 90 percent of the time and still have a job.
What do you do during small talk? Nod and smile or plot your escape? Whoa, he’s about as deep as a puddle. Perhaps you think the banter at the party is simply shallow or insincere. It can even make you feel lonelier than if you had stayed home alone. Sometimes, however, a few moments of small talk let you know just a bit about who is right in front of you.
After all, it’s been said that the whole world can be found in a single grain of sand. “So, where did you go on your vacation?” The best thing about being on vacation? Being on vacation. Trivial things are not necessarily unworthy of discussion, my friends. Small, seemingly insignificant things may even provide you with some clues about his attitudes or values.
Do not concern yourself with what you perceive as the pettiness of others. Indeed, not all conversation proves to be engaging. Oftentimes, it can be quite exasperating or even aggravating. Politics anyone? It’s been said: What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
Try raising a more intimate question and see who takes a bite. You need not remain on the surface indefinitely, but do not expect someone to descend to the depths immediately. It is unwise to share the contents of your heart with just anyone, is it not? Once you establish trust, go on and pursue the closeness and communion that you crave so deeply.
How often do you feel that you can be fully your true self? Listen, if you’re not going to swim deep with me – get out of my water. I know. You can try elevating small talk to medium talk. Sometimes we feel the need to be false, so we may end up feeling not entirely present.
We must experience what it feels like to be our true selves. But we are socialized to bargain for love and approval. Sure, you have learned to behave according to the demands of external reality such as school or work. You follow rules, but you may comply way too much. You might be polite, but you can end up not feeling authentically like your real self.
You must learn when you began to be false. You can familiarize yourself with your true self for the very first time. You may tend to lie to yourself to avoid pain, sweet friends. Are you honest about your relationships, your career choice, or your habits for that matter? We all lie in order to think well of ourselves.
Of course, we do not want to feel inadequate or petty. The truth can feel quite threatening. We must learn to admit our sadness or buried grief over losses from our past. Denied anger tends to seep out into trivialities of daily life. We may get set off simply because she ran out of milk or he forgot to put the remote back. Wasn’t it a sad and disappointing day when you realized that your Universal remote control did not in fact control the universe? As for me, I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.
Please do not become full of condemnation in order to ward off self-awareness. Instead, look for the connection between you and others. If your partner points something out to you, do not challenge it automatically. You will pay a very high price, my friends, for the short-term tranquility of your deceptions and defensiveness.
And just remember: You can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to see in you.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
