Feelin’ Funny: Mordechai Schmutter

I just want to make one thing clear:  I don’t have anything against dentists per se.  The only thing I have against dentists is that whenever I write about what I don’t like about dentists, they write in all offended.  Like they’re worried that my column is going to cause people to stop going.  It won’t.  People will only ever go to dentists when they need to and that’s it.  No one’s going voluntarily.  The dentists must know that. 

I always thought I wanted a surprise party, as I’d never been on the receiving end of one. I always wondered how it felt to be surprised like that, and if I would know it was coming. I’d mentioned this thought to my wife more than a year ago, when someone on the block made a surprise party for their spouse. And what I found, once she made me one, was that it’s a moment of shock followed by an intense amount of guilt as to what you put your wife through beforehand to almost mess things up when all she wanted was to do something nice for you behind your back. And every decision you made in the days leading up to it actually made her job more and more stressful.

The worst part of shopping, I feel, is putting away the groceries. 

I’m not going to complain about actually buying the groceries.  Walking around a brightly-lit room like a king and selecting objects off shelves -- that’s not a big deal.  I mean, the paying part isn’t great -- finding out how much you owe in total and how all that selecting like a king added up a lot quicker than I thought – but I usually pay with a credit card anyway. So I don’t feel it at the time. 

Every year when you clean for Pesach, the same question occurs to you: “Should I start cleaning even earlier next year?”

This is the only Yom Tov that people want to go beyond the 30-day thing.  No one says, “Maybe we should start building the sukkah over the summer,” or “Why can’t I start being marbin b’simcha on the 11^th of Teves?” or “I need to start doing teshuva on Shushan Purim.  30 days is nowhere near enough for me,” or “I think I have to start eating way more than 30 days before a fast!”  Generally, 30 days is more than enough.  The only other Yom Tov that we really lean into prep time is Simchas Torah. 

We are living in a golden age of Pesach products – an age where there are products that our grandparents never would have dreamed of.  Especially our grandparents in Mitzrayim.  I’m sure they were like, “If only there was a towel that we could use for Urchatz.  All the towels we usually use for washing have “Al Netilas Yadayim” written on them, but for Urchatz, we don’t say, “Al Netilas Yadayim.”  What do we do?” 

If you’re a homeowner, chances are that at some point your sink will back up, and your spouse will ask you to take a look at it.  Because you’re not calling a plumber every time there’s a backup, or he’ll be living in your house.  Especially given some of the things your children shove down the sink.