Now that my kids have been getting their driving licenses, I have taken some time to think about my own driving skills, and it turns out that after about 20 years of driving, there are things I’m still bad at. I thought I would have course-corrected by now.
I mean, I thought I was okay. I’ve never actually hit anybody, for example, besides when I’m getting in and out of parking spots. I’ve also never gotten a moving violation except once while making a turn that the three people in front of me also made, and also one time when I made a U-turn that I make all the time on the street that I live on but this time there happened to be a cop.
Apparently, you’re supposed to make a K-turn.
But here’s some stuff I’m not good at:
For example, I’m not great at knowing where the front right corner of my car is. I mean, I know it from outside the car. I can point to it and say, “There’s the front right corner of my car!” But for example, when I’m getting out of a parking spot, I always feel the need to back up way too much in order to get around the car in front of me. And I’m always afraid of knocking off the rear-view mirrors of everyone parked on the street. And not even because I’ve ever done it. Someone once did it to me, so now that’s a fear that’s just not going away. Despite wanting my mirrors to match.
Not that I know where the left front corner of my car is. Let’s put it this way: When I’m sitting at an intersection on a narrow street and a city bus comes barreling around the corner from my left, aiming to get into the lane just next to me but definitely being way way too much directly in front of my car, I’m always 100% sure he’s not going to make it. Every time. Though that doesn’t seem to bother him.
And I’m thinking, “Should I back up? He didn’t ask me to. And there are too many people behind me. Can I get all of them to back up? Do they care if I get smashed? Maybe. If I do, they’ll probably end up late to wherever they’re going.
So in desperation, I turn the nose of my car to the right. Like that will work. And the bus somehow makes it anyway.
He must know what he’s doing, right? He does this every day. He knows where his front left corner is. He’s sitting on it. Or maybe he always relies on people to get out his way. I don’t know. I don’t understand how a bus even has a turning radius that can clear a small intersection. It’s like getting a couch around a corner on a tight stairway.
Let’s see… What else am I bad at?
Ooh, here’s one: I’m not good enough at parallel parking that I can actually talk my son through learning how to do it.
My son had to take a driving test recently, and the one thing he had left to learn toward the end was parallel parking, and that’s actually the one thing they test you on in New Jersey, apparently. Other than that, the only way to fail the test is if you attempt to drive from the wrong seat. So my son asked, “Can you teach me?” And I said, “No!” And he asked, “Why are you being like that?” as if I hadn’t risked my life numerous times getting into the car with him before he knew what he was doing at all. And I said, “I’m not being like that; I literally can’t talk you through parallel parking. When I myself do it, it’s guesswork. I’m going to tell you my guesses from the passenger seat?”
I don’t know what I do. I actually have to do it myself. It’s kind of like tying a tie. I can’t tell you how to tie a tie, I have to do it too, at the same time, and if I talk while I’m doing it, I mess myself up. You kind of just have to watch. In a mirror, or you’ll get it backwards. So how do we apply this method to parallel parking?
The only thing I’m good for, in teaching parallel parking, is to stand outside the car and say, “Further, further, furtherSTOP!” and let you know that you’ve just hit the car behind you. And then when you’ve hit the car in front of you.
I have no tricks. I’ve definitely done a great job a few times, and then stuck around afterward to admire it (“There’s the front right corner of my car! See it?”), but I have no idea how. It was just random that it happened. So for me, a driver’s test is just, “Will you randomly pass it this time, or will you have to take it again?”
And forget parallel parking on the left side of the street.
One thing that my son has started commenting on, now that I comment on his driving, is that I for some reason slow down a bit before switching lanes on the highway: “How come you’re slowing down?”
Sorry, he does it respectfully: “Totty, didn’t we once learn…?”
The reason I’m slowing down to switch lanes is that I don’t want to be looking back and then hit the guy in front of me when he slows down to switch lanes.
My wife has some critiques about my driving too.
For example, my wife doesn’t like that I’m always getting lost. (I say this as if I do like it.) Which is part of why she doesn’t like me to drive when she’s in the car. And I’m like, “I don’t get lost when you’re not in the car. It’s your fault.”
And she asks, “How can it be my fault?”
And I say, “I don’t know, maybe I’m distracted? Maybe I’m schmoozing?”
And she says, “You can’t talk and drive at the same time?”
And I say, “Well, here’s the thing: When I drive with the kids in the passenger seat, I can absolutely talk and drive at the same time. The difference is that I have to put a certain amount of concentration in when you talk, because there’s going to be a test later. The ramifications of not hearing what you said that has nothing to do with the driving are worse than the ramifications of getting lost. That we’ll get over.”
And she says, “You just missed a turn.”
And I say, “I know.”
Not that I’m such a great tzaddik when I’m driving. When I’m behind the wheel, for example, I do not judge anybody l’kaf zechus. I’m just thinking horrible things about everybody. Like, “Why didn’t that guy stay home today? He has to be on the road when I’m on the road?”
I mean, I’m sure he has a life. He didn’t make his decision based on me. He saw me driving up the block, and he’s like, “Let me get out in front of him.”
Or I say, “Great; now I have to wait for that idiot to cross the street.” What makes him an idiot? He’s an idiot because he’s crossing the street. I bet he’s thinking, “Boy, I sure hope I’m inconveniencing people.”
I’m wishing bad things on literally everyone around me. If you’re not in my car, critiquing my driving, I’m wishing bad things on you.
Also, If I’m driving and I see that on the other side of the highway there’s a lot of traffic, the longer I have to drive before I see the end of that traffic, the more excited I get. Unless I’m going to have to come back that way later.
Here’s another thing I’m still bad at: My wife can hear when our car is not happy, but I cannot. She asks, “Do you hear that?” And I say, “What? The car?” And she says, “Yeah! It’s not happy.”
When is a car ever happy? Look at its life.
But here’s the thing: I wouldn’t be sharing all of this in an article if I thought I was the only one who had these chisronos. I’ll admit it: I’m not a professional driver.
But what is a professional driver? A professional driver is someone who drives all day for a living. A professional driver is someone who says, “I’m going to be able to turn this massive bus onto this narrow busy street.” In order to know exactly where your right front corner is, you have to one time say, “I’m not sure I’m going to make it, but I’m going to try this turn anyway.” And then you say, “Alright, I made it! Next time I’m going to try closer.”
And that’s how the best drivers do it. They know. This bus driver knows that if he tries it once, he can shave a good hour and a half off his workday, so he goes for it.
Think about it: The people you consider the best drivers are the ones that throw caution to the wind and get to their destinations in record time. Meanwhile, I don’t even know that the bus is not going to hit me because I’ve never not turned my nose out of the way. So I’m a cautious driver. Does that make me a bad driver?
Maybe.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
