Welcome back to “How Should I Know?” – the column that’s #1 in getting readers to say, “I’m sorry I asked.”
Dear Mordechai,
Is it just me, or are they making cans of Pringles narrower these days? How am I supposed to get the chips out?
-- Mordy H.
Dear Mordy,
It’s not just you. Every year the emergency room is filled with people who have their arms stuck in pringles cans. It’s not even embarrassing anymore. Unless both of their arms are stuck in Pringles cans.
But we do have reason to believe that they’re making the cans narrower. Every other manufacturer in the world has been shrinking their packages. What makes you think that Pringles hasn’t? In fact, we could say the same thing about everything. Worried that you’ve just eaten an entire container of ice cream by accident? It’s because it’s smaller. Wondering why you’re popping out of your clothes? They’ve been making pants smaller.
The world is entirely populated by cheapskates and people who think they’re gaining too much weight.
The truth is that I don’t actually like Pringles. I kind of just like how it looks like a duck bill. And it’s great for giving out to your kids, because no one will complain that they got smaller chips than anyone else.
The problem is that I can’t give them out. The kids have to take themselves, and I have to trust them to only take a certain amount because only they can fit their hands in the can. It’s adult-proof. The only way an adult can eat Pringles is to tilt the can back and let them all hit him in the face, like ice cubes.
“Oh, are you up to the crumbs at the bottom?”
“No.”
So should Pringles change their packaging? No. They need to keep using paper towel tubes, because otherwise the chips will get smashed. Plus, it’s a nice reusable container for if you want to store spaghetti upright or something. Or you could use it for flowers, if you want to express a message to your wife that “I like you, but if you think I’m also going to get you a vase… I already got you flowers. And Pringles, which I ate. To make room for the flowers.”
So I was speaking to someone who said that if he worked for Pringles, he would invent some kind of system wherein you turn the bottom and the chips are raised toward the top, like a glue stick. Except the same thing is going to happen as happens with a glue stick, which is that your kid is going to turn it the first day and all the Pringles are going to come out the top, and then he’ll try to stuff it back in and end up with a bunch of crumbs. Basically, the reason they don’t do this is that they’re protecting the pringles from you. They worked hard making them all the same size and shape, and you’re just going to eat them.
Personally, I think we’re supposed to use chop sticks.
Dear Mordechai,
Why do people buy coffee machines when they can just make instant coffee, which takes ¼ of the time?
BSR and HSR
Dear B&H,
It doesn’t make sense, right? I personally have never tasted the difference between fresh brewed and instant except that fresh brewed needs 8 times as much sugar. And I feel like it’s more difficult to set up a coffee machine than to spoon some grounds into a cup. But on the other hand, when you set up the machine, you’re more awake.
So really, it’s about the appeal of not wanting to make your own coffee when you’re tired. And I get that. So far, in the course of making my own coffee, I have:
- Left it in the microwave over the weekend.
- Attempted to put the full kettle in the fridge.
- Forgotten whether I’ve given myself sugar and then put in way too much.
- Put coffee grounds directly on my cereal.
- Put the coffee grounds away in the fridge and the milk in the closet.
I don’t think there’s anything else that I make with that many mishaps. Except that time I put eggshells in the cake and threw away the yolk.
Dear Mordechai,
The guy in front of me is walking too slowly. How do I get around him?
Binny T.
Dear Binny,
How slow is he actually walking? The worst is when it’s not actually slow, but it’s about 90% as fast as you’re walking, so you HAVE TO pass him, but to do so, you have to walk comically faster than your normal speed or else you’ll be in his personal space for too long, and you’ll basically be walking with him, and you’ll have to make conversation with him, and the only thing you can think about talking about with him at the moment is why he doesn’t walk faster.
No, I’m wrong. The worst is when it’s a family of slowpokes walking really slowly and shmoozing, and there’s no way around them or between them, because half of them are holding hands, like a weird game of Red Rover. What do you do then?
Though I do have an idea. You know how when you’re at a wedding and the chosson and kallah sit down and people perform in front of them, and one guy stands perfectly still and another guy gets a running start and leaps over him, and you’re wondering what kind of use this talent can possibly have in real life? This is it.
Note, though, that it might be an ayin hara to jump over them, so whenever you finish whatever you’re going to do, you’ll have to jump back over them from the front.
“It’s that guy again.”
“The guy we didn’t notice when he said, “Excuse me,” ten times?”
“Yeah. On the count of three, we’re going to step out of the way.”
Dear Mordechai,
The burglar alarm in my house was set off on Shabbos. What should I have done?
JB
Dear J.,
This is not an easy question to answer. On the one hand, it’s just an alarm. My alarm goes off almost every Shabbos morning, because I forget to shut it off on Friday, and I have to figure out how to cover it with pillows so it won’t wake up my wife without also hitting the snooze button. I don’t have enough pillows to muffle it sufficiently, so sometimes I have to wake up my wife and ask for her pillows.
“Wake up! Can I have all your pillows so you can sleep better?”
I’m also not going to draft a non-Jew in off the street and hint to him that I need him to come into our room and turn off our alarm. I am not that socially skilled. Especially at 7 in the morning.
But with a burglar alarm, it’s not just keeping my wife up, it’s keeping the whole neighborhood up, and having an alarm go off for 20 hours could cause a chillul Hashem.
“These Jews! They don’t turn off their alarms.”
“Hey, it’s not one of our people who set it off.”
And it’s not like you can just cover it with pillows.
I mean, obviously, you can get a non-Jewish neighbor to come turn it off. Just knock on his door at 3 in the morning. I’m sure he’ll be glad to get out of bed for you. He’s awake anyway.
So ideally, you’re going to want to find a non-Jew who’s up anyway. My advice is to ask the burglar. But I’m not sure you can tell him directly.
“My burglar alarm is going off!” you should yell over the burglar alarm.
“I know!” he’ll say. “It’s calling a lot of attention!”
“So what should we do about it?” you should ask.
“I don’t know!” he’ll say. “What do you think we should do about it?”
“I don’t know!” you should say. “But my alarm code is…”
When he’s done, see if you can hint to him that he should call the cops.
(NOTE: You also might be able to ask a non-Jew directly in this situation. Wake up your rav and ask him.)
Got a question for “How Should I Know?” Speak up. I can’t hear you over the alarms.
