The community gathered at the Bukharian Jewish Congregation of Briarwood to hear an important lecture by Rebbetzin Slovie Jungreis Wolff, well known inspirational speaker and daughter of the late Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, on how to raise children in today’s world. She pointed out that if you are parenting today, it means you were parenting during a pandemic and during October 7, an ongoing war in Israel, and rampant anti-Semitism. Our people were kidnapped and murdered. How do we explain that to our children?
She said that she grew up hearing stories about the Holocaust, but she never imagined there would be all this anti-Semitism in America. In addition, parents today have to deal with the challenges of technology. So, these challenges are on top of the other regular challenges of sibling rivalry, shalom bayis, health, etc.
What do parents and children need today? “We need hope.” She said that the Hebrew word tikvah has the root of kavah which means line or cord. Hope is about connection. Having relationships and connections is what creates life. Today, you must have a connection with your children. Every few years, new ideas about parenting gain popularity. How do we know what is right? She taught we always go back to the Torah. The Torah is emes. She shared how Yosef met Gavriel, who asked him what he was looking for, and Yosef responded that he was looking for his brothers. Every child wants to belong to a family and to feel connected. Yosef asked where his brothers were shepherding, and the Hebrew word for shepherding has the same root as the Hebrew word for friendship. You need to ask yourself where your children are creating friendships. “When a child is part of a family, then he feels that he is in a safe space.”
We need to teach kids how to connect to themselves, to their parents, and to Hashem. These are the three connections every child needs in life. So, how do we teach children to connect to themselves? We need to teach them that they have a pure neshamah inside of them. Every morning, we recite a prayer that states the soul that You gave me is pure. Our mission as a parent it to teach our child that she has good inside of her – she has a pure neshamah. Maybe you make mistakes, but inside you are so good. She shared something she learned from her mother. In Pirkei Avos, it says that the person who is rich is the one who is happy with what he has. She taught that this means that you are rich when you have good self-esteem. If you don’t have that, then you feel empty. When a child hurts another child, it is because that child doesn’t feel good about himself. Good self-esteem brings confidence. That comes from possessing inner wealth.
How do you give a child inner wealth? How do you teach children to connect to themselves? She said that she would begin answering this by sharing what you should not do. Don’t give empty general compliments. “You are great” or “You are beautiful” or “You are amazing” are too general and mean nothing. These types of compliments do not grow self-esteem. We recite specific brachos for each type of food. Hashem wants us to be mindful of appreciating each food. In the same way, instead of saying, “You are amazing,” help the child find his or her character trait that makes him or her special. For example, you could say, “You are so responsible. Look how you took care of your brother. You work hard on your homework. You’re so sensitive. Look how quickly you ran to help me.
She noted how Yitzchak didn’t want to eat delicious meat. He asked Eisav to bring him meat because he knew Eisav was good at hunting and had the tools to do this. Yitzchak is teaching us that every child has a tool or vessel, and you, as his parent, must identify what that tool or gift is and then teach your child how to use it for a mitzvah to make a difference in the world. Yitzchak didn’t just instruct Eisav to go hunting. He told him to do a mitzvah with his hunting skill, which was kibud av.
When a child knows there is something special about him, then that child shines. You teach a child to connect to his neshamah by helping him understand what is special about him. You also need to connect your child to his roots. She shared how she was named for her great-grandmother, who was killed in Auschwitz. She noted poignantly, “My Bubby left this world because she was a Jew. I am in this world because I am Jew.” Your child must know that he comes from royalty and greatness. We descend from the Imahos and the Avos, King David, and Queen Esther. We come from kings and prophets. “What a nation we are!”
She shared how Avraham was called Avraham HaIvri because he was on the other side. He was on one side and the whole world was on the other side against him. He walked into a fiery furnace for his belief in Hashem. Every step Avraham took, he created spiritual genes for you and for me. Children need to know that they don’t walk alone. Bubbies and zeidies here and in Heaven daven for us. Connecting to those who came before us is what gives am Yisrael strength. It is important to teach children to connect with their parents. If the only dialogue we have is giving orders or musar and criticism, then we lose our connection with our children. We must build a connection with them. We should ask ourselves what image or sound does a child have in her head when she thinks of me, her parent? When someone hears my name, does it bring a smile to her face?
We also need to give time to our children. Every child needs a little special time, and it doesn’t have to be a large amount of time. The last words a child hears before going to sleep should be, I love you. Also, connect to what your child loves, not to what you love. Thirdly, get off the phone. When children come home from school and a parent is on a screen, then that screen becomes more important than the child in front of the parent. In addition, every Friday night, bless your children and whisper in their ear that you love them, and you believe in them. Tell them how happy you are that they are yours. That blessing and love is there forever. It brings magical connection with your children.
The Queens community thanks Rabbi Simantov Yanetz, rav of the shul and the Bukharian Jewish Congregation for this wonderful program.
By Susie Garber
