On Sunday evening, June 21, Let’s Get Real with Coach Menachem hosted a virtual talk featuring well-known speaker Rabbi Shmuel Diamond.
Coach Menachem Bernfeld opened the program by speaking about the important topic of self-acceptance and the ability to trust oneself. How do we build trust? Coach Menachem explained that taking one small step or action and actually following through is the beginning of building that trust. That is where a person begins to show up for himself, believe in himself, and eventually come to know himself, grow, and move forward.
Rabbi Diamond then spoke about the rules that govern life. To move forward, he explained, we must remember that there are rules. The world is built on rules, and we cannot bend them. When a person tries to work against those rules, he feels as if he is walking up a down escalator. At best, it is extremely frustrating. At worst, there can be serious consequences.
He compared this to the law of gravity. If a person steps off a building, he has only one option: to humble himself to the law of gravity. Life, too, must be lived according to its laws.
The same is true, he explained, when it comes to trying to stay positive. If a person constantly watches the news, which is largely filled with negativity, it will be difficult to maintain a positive outlook. Digesting endless negativity while trying to stay positive is also like walking up a down escalator.
If a person is trying to concentrate but keeps getting notifications on his phone, he is once again fighting reality. The laws of trust and respect go very deep.
Many people, Rabbi Diamond said, live in a broken internal state. Can a person have a relationship with someone he does not trust? In many ways, relationship and trust are inseparable. A healthy relationship is built on a foundation of trust.
How does a person become trustworthy? Rabbi Diamond explained that trust is built when others know they can depend on you. If you say something will happen, it happens. If you say you will do something, you do it. That reliability builds trust. There is no way to bypass it. We must train our children to become trustworthy by extending trust to them and teaching them that trust must be earned.
Rabbi Diamond noted that many men say they do not feel respected by their wives or children. But, he explained, a man has to act respectably. A person cannot expect respect if he is not acting in a respectable way.
For example, if a man comes home from work and spends his time playing games on his phone on the couch, he is not presenting himself as a respectable role model. When such a person complains that he is not being respected, the deeper tragedy is that he is often denying his wife and children someone they can respect.
If a person wants love, he must act in a lovable way. Similarly, Rabbi Diamond said, some women complain that their husbands do not have time for them. But nagging or whining for more time means fighting the rules of reality. If a woman wants more attention from her husband, she must go about receiving it in a healthier and more effective way.
Rabbi Diamond then spoke about the importance of having a healthy relationship with oneself. So many people do not have that. A healthy relationship with oneself must also be based on trust and respect. If a person cannot trust himself, then his entire relationship with himself is standing on unstable ground.
The first avodah of a healthy relationship with oneself is coming through for oneself. A person should begin by making small commitments and keeping them. When he does that, he becomes trustworthy to himself. When his inner world acts respectably, he can respect himself.
Rabbi Diamond spoke about the damage caused when a person loses self-respect. A man struggling with a pornography addiction, for example, may live a double life and constantly fear being discovered. As he loses respect for himself, everything begins to unravel.
Our work is to build self-respect and self-trust. Quick fixes do not work. The first stage is making and keeping promises. When a person keeps those promises, he is coming through for himself and building self-trust. He begins to develop the ability to say no to himself, which is the beginning of self-discipline.
Self-trust and self-discipline lead to self-respect and self-love. Once that happens, a person is able to move beyond constantly focusing on his relationship with himself and can actually become himself.
The Navi Chavakuk teaches us to leave the world of fragmentation and become one. When a person reaches that level of oneness, he lives in a more unified world.
“That’s the philosophy I am giving over,” Rabbi Diamond said.
He emphasized again that quick affirmations and quick fixes do not work. Twenty years into the Internet era, so many people still feel that they cannot get themselves together. We have come to realize that there is no quick fix for feelings of emptiness and isolation.
Instead, Rabbi Diamond urged listeners to begin with small steps and watch how quickly they compound. Hashem is our loving Father in Shamayim, and He loves us deeply. He set up this world and stacked it in our favor. When a person begins moving forward, he naturally enters a virtuous cycle instead of a vicious one.
Rabbi Diamond shared that his rebbi taught him, “There is nothing more inspiring than inspiring.”
By Susie Garber
