On Sunday, June 23, Let’s Get Real with Coach Menachem featured a virtual shiur with Chaim Moshe Steinmetz, LISW, on changing the dance in marriage.
Coach Menachem Bernfeld opened the program. He said that if you are not growing in your marriage, then you are probably moving backwards. It’s important wherever you are in your marriage to stop a moment and acquire some new ideas.
Next, Chaim Moshe Steinmetz, psychotherapist and specialist in men’s issues, shared some main ideas. He said that first we need to focus on ourselves. Most people perceive themselves as “I,” but the truth is that neurologically and psychologically the brain is divided into a child part and an adult part. We have many different facets to our personality.
The child part of your personality comprised many states as you grew up. As you grow older, more and more layers are added. Then, as an adult, more and more adult layers are added. The child part of the brain resides in the limbic system and the adult part is in the prefrontal cortex. The adult part isn’t fully mature until age 25.
The adult part is logical and organized and has goals for spiritual development and values. The adult part of the brain is able to view the whole big picture. It can focus on another person.
The child part of the brain sees only black and white. It can’t see past the moment. It focuses on the self. It is impulse-driven. There is no context or nuance. The child part doesn’t have the capacity to see outside of itself. It is emotion-based and emotions drive all its actions. It doesn’t think of consequences. It’s fun-loving, spontaneous, and creative.
Most people use the adult part of their brain when they are at work.
There is a crisis in the secular world as 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. People have this fantasy idea that they will fall in love and find someone who will take care of them. Marriage doesn’t work that way. This fantasy is all about the child part of the brain. The problem is that someone else cannot make you happy. When marriage is all about self-gratification, then it is doomed to failure.
You need to have a big picture and goals in marriage. The solution is to bring in the adult part of the brain. The Yiddishkeit perspective is related to the adult brain. We as Jews have a mission. We are here to grow and to work on ourselves as human beings. This applies to life and to marriage. Overcoming adversity is how we grow.
If we approach marriage from an adult perspective, we will be less bogged down. “Marriage is the perfect vehicle for growth because there are many opportunities to overcome blocks and adversity is inevitable.” The ultimate goal in marriage is you are part of a mission, and you work on personal growth and raising the next generation of mitzvah-observant Jews.
He quoted teachings of Holocaust survivor and neurologist Viktor Frankl, who said that the more you aim at success and happiness, the more it will elude you. Both of these are achieved indirectly; if you have a mission and good values, then happiness and success are a byproduct.
The adult has to be the one driving and the child part has to be in the back seat. That doesn’t mean leaving the child on the road.
Coach Menachem summarized that Hashem has a plan, and marriage is part of that plan. It’s how we grow. Many people have difficulty doing self-care. You have to understand that the child part is inside of you, and you need to connect to it. It’s a part of us. We need to understand how it works and learn how to deal with it and how to not let it be in the driver’s seat.
By Susie Garber
