The international community has quickly divested itself of Russia, following its brutal invasion of Ukraine in an effort to reconstitute the Russian Empire. On Thursday, President Vladimir Putin shot back at his critics.

“I will not be exercising the nuclear option, but I will do something much worse. Effective at midnight, Russia will declare itself an independent planet. There will be no more contact between Russia and other countries. That only four other UN member nations agreed with our bear hug of Ukraine shows that this planet has no understanding of Russia, so we’ll go our own way.”

Political observers note that Russia’s declaration of planetary sovereignty has precedent in the way that it has behaved with its terrestrial neighbors. “In the past decade, Russia has redrawn international borders with complete disregard for treaties and public opinion. The country dwells in its own reality,” former National Security Advisor John Bolton said. “In the past week, banks, retailers, athletic competitions, dog shows, and practically every segment of government and civilian life in the West has been divested of Russia. I haven’t seen a country this isolated from the world since North Korea.”

State Department officials disputed Bolton’s comparison, noting that North Korea is not entirely disengaged from the world. “It is true that Bad Korea’s borders are sealed tight, but every couple of years autocrat Kim Too Soon shoots a ballistic missile into the East Sea in a bid for attention and food handouts,” Secretary of State Antony Blinken said.

Russia’s disengagement from the world came as a blow to its oligarchs who enjoyed the ability to shop in London, race yachts in the Mediterranean, and have the children of their trophy wives born in Florida. “It’s not going to be easy adjusting to this new reality,” said gas magnate Arkady Rottenberg. “Even Switzerland abandoned its centuries-old neutrality to seize my prized ski chalet.”

In a stern speech to the corrupt executives of state-owned industries, Putin reminded the oligarchs that they have a patriotic duty to uphold Russia. “As we learned in first grade during Soviet times, our country has every climate zone, from glaciers to deserts. We have palm trees in Sochi, volcanoes in Kamchatka, and Lenin’s Tomb serves as our own pharaonic pyramid,” Putin said.

Recognizing an opportunity to live among his own, former President Donald Trump expressed interest in immigrating to the quasi-planet. “He’s a genius. I look forward to building my Trussia Exclusive Collection along the Black Sea. Crimea is the new Florida, mark my words.”

As with most planets, Russia’s moons are demonstratively weaker in their ability to support life or to function independently. “Abkhazia, Donbas, Lukashenko. None of them have a civil society or a tech sector. All the talented people have either fled or been killed. The survival of these states depends entirely on Russia,” said European Union Commission President Ursula von der Leyen. “The most talented Russians are in the West, creating Google and other tools that advance society. What do you have in Donetsk anyway? Coal mines and nuclear fallout?”

Ahead of the midnight deadline for secession, Putin made an appeal for disaffected Westerners to join him in this unprecedented endeavor. “You can live here with Steven Seagal and Edward Snowden. If you are seeking power and a revival of your past glory, Russia is your home!”

 By Serkadsky Disgey