Dear Goldy:
I’m dating someone and everything about him is fine. The one thing I can’t stand about him is he always tries to finish my sentences or thoughts. And what’s worse is that he’s always wrong and way off base regarding the direction I was going.
Not only that, but if I say something cute or have a good one liner; he’ll adopt it and use it as his own. I’ll give you an example. One time, I was laughing at something he said, and I used an old line that my father always says: “You’re funny, but looks don’t count.” I whispered the last part to myself. It just came out of my mouth naturally. Something my family has been doing for years. Obviously, he heard it. I explained why I said it. He laughed. He said, “It’s a good one.” On another date, we ran into people he knew. While making conversation, he used the same line: “You’re funny, but looks don’t count.” I was shocked. Yes, I know that my family doesn’t own that joke, and I’m sure plenty of others say it (my dad can’t be that original), but it was just the way he said it. Like he’s always said it. He didn’t smile at me or wink at me. No mention of it was made after that, not even when we said goodbye to the others. He’s done it other times, too.
These two things drive me up a wall. We haven’t been married for 50 years, so he doesn’t know my train of thought. And I was always taught that you shouldn’t steal someone’s material (like a comedian). Give credit to the one you heard the joke from. Don’t try to pass it off as your own. That’s a huge rule in comedy about giving credit to the creator. It just feels off when he does it. I can only imagine what other phrases he’s saying now, using what he heard me say.
I told him it’s annoying when he tries to finish my sentences, because he never gets it right. He shrugged it off. I asked him to stop doing it. He said he would, but he still does it. I think these things may make me end things. Am I being too harsh?
Tami
*****
Thank you for your email, Tami.
I know exactly what you are talking about when you write how annoying it is when your date cuts you off mid-sentence to finish your thought, only to get it wrong each time. I went out with a few men who did that. I never went out with them more than a few times, so it never became a real issue for me. But now I’m sad to say that sometimes I find myself finishing my husband’s thoughts, and even though we’ve known each other going on 12 years, I don’t always guess correctly. My husband may be searching for the right word to use or pause to take a breath, and in that moment, I jump in. I’m thinking that I’m helping him, but it’s annoying and incorrect. At least I am aware of it and am trying really hard not to do it anymore. As you can see, it’s not all that uncommon to happen, but the fact that the fellow you’re dating shrugged it off and hasn’t tried to stop doing it, in your opinion, can be very aggravating and some would say rude. At one point, I would say, “Stop doing that. I’ve asked you before, but you keep doing it. I hate it.” Simple and to the point. I don’t know if you used those exact words when you did address the issue with him, but clear, direct feedback about something he does/says, in the moment he does it, may drive the point home. Do I think it’s something worth ending things? For me, no.
My reasoning is this: No one is perfect. You’re going to find that everyone in your life does/says something that annoys you. And you know what? I’m 100 percent sure you do things that annoy them, as well. Everyone reading this article now may be thinking of an annoying habit their friend or spouse or parent does. But we don’t kick them out of our lives. Your spouse will do things that will annoy you, and no matter how many times you ask or demand that he “stop it,” he won’t. Whether it’s just his nature or because he wants to “mess with your mind,” he’ll keep doing whatever it is. That’s life. You will learn or maybe you already know to pick your battles. Is this something to start a fight about or to end a budding relationship for? There’s so much more to a person than one or two annoying habits. But you must judge this one for yourself.
In terms of “stealing your material,” I hear what you’re saying and, yes, this too is irritating. Not sending you a nod or a wink, which is an unspoken “Thanks” from him to you when you feel he plagiarizes your words is more than frustrating. Especially if when he says it, he gets a better reaction from others than you did. Lol. I always try to give credit where it’s due and I learned that in high school. I’d love to write which teacher taught me what I’m about to write, but I forgot. But it was a teacher. While learning Megillas Esther, it says (I’m not quoting verbatim), “And Esther informed the King on Mordechai’s behalf...” about the plot that Bigsan and Seresh were planning. Because Esther said, “Mordechai told me...,” Achashveirosh wanted to reward Mordechai and it played a vital part in the story of Purim. I was taught that someone gets a special type of s’char when he or she speaks in the name of someone else. Don’t take credit for what you are telling over if you were not the one to originally learn of it. So, when I’m speaking with others and I quote what someone else said, I tell the people who the person is. Basically, it’s like the saying, “If you can’t originate, then don’t imitate.” Don’t take credit for others’ work or words if you use them as your own. Yes, in comedy there is a big rule of not stealing other comedians’ material. I’ve even heard other comedians say, “So and so has a similar bit as mine, but not exactly.” They try to give credit in case anyone says, “You stole that joke.” But as I was listening to the radio once, I heard a comedian (can’t remember who) joke that when a comedian dies, his material is up for grabs, and when so and so dies, he wants to take one of his bits. Obviously, the whole conversation was a joke, but the lesson is, don’t make what’s not yours, yours.
Tami, don’t take it the wrong way when I say a cute dad one liner or something like that is not original material. But, yes, it can get on your nerves. Nowadays, my sister and many others refer to Target in the French way term “Tarjay.” I remember first hearing that term on the Rosie O’Donnell Show over 20 years ago. But it was something that resonated with viewers, and many adopted it. No, I doubt people give her credit when they say it or have her written as a footnote to their conversation, but people continue to do it. If there was truly unique and personal to your family and the fellow started to say it, I would speak up. In my family, my sister and I use a few phrases that are unique just for us. We use the phrases out of context, but we know when we hear it, something ridiculous is about to be said. I remember the first time my husband said it to me. I stared at him. I didn’t say anything. I just stood there. But you know what? He’s heard it said enough times, we were married for goodness sakes, so yeah, he and my brother-in-law are allowed to use the phrases unique to me and my sister. I’ve used the phrases when speaking with other people and I always smile to myself because I get the joke and they have no idea what I’m referring to. I’ll slip it in. They may wonder, “that’s an odd thing to say,” but the moment passes and it’s over. Has your date crossed the line of adopting something sacred to your family? If not, again, I’d let it go. It is odd to say, “You’re funny, but looks don’t count. Tami told me that one,” and then he gives you a nod or a wink. I’m telling you to let it go and if it really bothers you, don’t say any cute family sayings until you know that the man you are dating will become part of the family – which means he’s permitted to say whatever it is.
There you have it. That’s my opinion. But you can feel free to do whatever you want.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
