Dear Goldy:
This may not be your typical type of letter.
I have been married for 22 years. My husband and I are having issues and have been having these issues for years. I am ready to ask for a divorce. But the other day, my 20-year-old son spoke with me. I’ll never forget this conversation. He said he knows about the troubles his father and I have been having and he understands that I have to divorce his father in order to live a “normal” life. He asked that I wait until after a shidduch has been made for him. My heart broke. I knew that divorcing the father of my children would cause issues with making shidduchim (I have three more children of preteen and teenage ages), but I never thought my child would actually ask me to stay married so he can have a chance at a good shidduch. What wouldn’t I or any parent do for their child(ren)? I promised my son that I will stay married for his sake.
I’m not writing to complain about the request. I’m writing because we have already been turned down for shidduchim because of my husband’s behavior and antics. My husband is known to have some “issues” and to act irrationally at times, and because of that my son is being rejected. Even though my son thinks that holding off on the divorce will help his chances, the cat is out of the bag. My husband is well known and not for the right reasons. Divorce or no divorce, my son’s opportunities are being affected. It seems no one wants to get involved with a family such as ours (I can’t believe I have to write that). This is one (small) reason why I want to divorce my husband; he is affecting our children’s future. My son is aware of some rejections, but I try to shield him from as many as I can, because I don’t want to hurt him, especially when he is being rejected for something he didn’t do and can’t control.
Shadchanim are telling me that I won’t get a “good family,” but there’s a chance to get an “okay family” without problems. I interpret that to be a nebach family, a family no one wants to be a part of. How did it all come to this? I’m in tears as I write this. I recently suggested a family to a shadchan. A nice family. The mother had divorced the girl’s father when the girl was an infant, but soon after married a wonderful man and had more children with him. The girl only knows the new husband to be her father. But I was told “even she said no.” It was the word “even” that got me. The shadchan could have said, “The mother didn’t think the shidduch was shayach,” but instead said, “Even she said no.” You always write that words count and words can hurt. That word “even” cut me in half.
Children are not to pay for the “sins” of their father – literally. I understand why people don’t want to put their children in a “messy” situation or with an unstable family. I have heard stories. But now I’m one of “those families,” and my heart is breaking for my son and will break for my other children when it is their turn. My son is one of the best boys in yeshivah, with a good head. He has good sense, as well. He’s good with his hands and is already working in the computer field. He is not a boy who is failing out of yeshivah with no skills. He is suffering because of who his father is and what has been said on the street about him for years. I always knew this may happen, but now that it has, I don’t know what to say. How can I say, “But we’re really normal except for my husband whom I’ll divorce soon.”
My son (and other children) may choose to keep his father in his life. The decision is up to my children if they want to spend time with their father. How can I tell shadchanim to tell families that I’m normal, as are my other children and my entire family of brother, sisters, nieces, and nephews? I can’t. It’s not done. I would do anything for my children. But I can’t help him. Whether or not I divorced my husband years ago wouldn’t have made a difference, because it seems that my son isn’t being redt to good girls from good upstanding homes and families. I almost feel as if I suffered for nothing. I stayed married and it doesn’t make a difference; my children’s future spouses are now in a category where we no longer qualify for.
Heartbroken Mother
*****
Thank you for your letter, Mother.
Let me start by writing that I am sorry for the difficult situation that you have been living in and with for many years. There’s no right or wrong here; you did what you feel was best for you and your family. So please don’t think that you did anything wrong, or your actions were for nothing. All was done in the best interest of your children. You did not suffer for nothing. You did your best to keep your family together, to give your children stability. I don’t know what behavior or actions your husband is prone to, or that are spoken of in the street, but you have been the parent that your children have always been able to count on, and that means a lot.
I’m sure you did not come to the decision to divorce your husband easily. As you wrote, you thought about how the divorce would affect your children (shidduchim included), but sometimes, no matter how much we think we planned for something, something unplanned pops up. I’m guessing that you didn’t think that your husband’s behavior would affect shidduchim if you stayed married. The fact that, divorce or not, the shidduch opportunities would be limited seemed to have stunned you and you don’t want to be one of “those families.” Unfortunately, as you may know all too well, we can’t control what other people do or think. To use your words, I know many children from “good upstanding houses/families” that marry into a family where the dynamics are less than perfect: divorce, several broken engagements, mental illness, etc. Those shadchanim and families were able to separate the child from the “messiness.” And, baruch Hashem, many strong, long-lasting unions have been made. But just as we have the happy ending stories, we have the not–as-happy-ending stories, where people are judged as if they are the ones responsible for whatever it is going on, instead of seeing them as a being a victim of circumstance, that they happen to be the child/relative of______ who “acts crazy and is unreasonable.” People want to do as much as they can to protect their child from danger, issues, problems, hurt, etc., and unfortunately some people think that steering clear of families that don’t seem perfect (no family is) is a form of protection.
I think you may have to look for new shadchanim who can separate your son from his father’s behavior – a shadchan who knows families who would do the same. It really pains me to hear what shadchanim have said to you and that you feel “okay” families are “nebach” families. What is a nebach family? A family we should all pity because they are____________? Help me fill in the blank. Every family is beautiful and normal in its own way. The dynamics of my family is different from others. Through the years, have what my family experienced/survived made us a nebach family? People define “nebach families” differently, but we all have the same basic idea. I really hate that term, though. Who are we to judge anyone or their family?
But then, again, I’m not blind or deaf, though, and I do realize that there are families less fortunate than others (not monetarily) that others feel bad for and do not want to be a part of their extended family. Their loss. Move on. Those people may be wonderful individuals, who give a lot of tz’dakah, do chesed, etc. but they are not meant for you, and you are not meant for them. You’re right, you can’t tell shadchanim, “but tell the families that my children and I are normal,” because you do marry the whole package. Whether or not your son will continue having a relationship with his father is his business, regardless how it factors into the shidduch.
I’m sorry shadchanim speak to you as they are doing. Words carry power and they are hurting you by telling you that a good family won’t want your son and you can only hope for an okay family. Unfortunately, this is what many people do: They see a situation from afar, make a judgment call, and then move on as if they are the judge and jury of shidduch court. As I wrote, call different shadchanim. Remember, just because someone is a shadchan does not give him or her free will to say and do whatever he or she wants. They still have to be a mentch towards others. And from what you’ve written, these shadchanim aren’t.
Mommy, you need to concentrate on yourself and your family. Do whatever you think is best: Shield your son, speak with different shadchanim, etc. No one is in a place to judge or label you. You are a strong person who has made another hard decision, and the road ahead will be a hard one, albeit a happier one. There are families out there that will want your son and your entire family to be a part of theirs. It may take a while to find them, but they are there. I honestly wish you, your son, and other children the best. May Hashem be there to help guide you when you are building a new life for you and your children.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
