Dear Goldy:
My boyfriend David (fake name) and I have been going out for several months. We both know which direction this is going. I don’t want to jinx anything by doing anything wrong. David is a great guy. He’s tons of fun to be with, very outgoing, a little spontaneous, because he’s surprised me a few times. He also makes me feel special and treats me soooo well. Whenever we’re out, I feel like he’s the “man,” and a Type A personality. That’s fine. I like that. I’m writing to you because I’m confused about his social media and the “David” I’m with.
We follow each other. I’ve also looked at his friends’ social media pages and see the pictures posted. They seem great. I’ve only met a few of them, but I like them. They’re a good bunch of guys. During the summer, they’ve all taken trips together – either a long weekend or a week in Miami. All the pics that were posted have David in the background or on the side, not really smiling. I hate to say it, he looked like a hanger on, like he was part of the group but wasn’t supposed to be there. On David’s social media, he was more centered, more part of the group.
I hate to think it, but maybe my David isn’t the real David. What if he’s the sidekick, the guy who hangs around that everyone accepts, but not the Alpha? I looked some more, and it seemed to be everywhere on the friends’ pages: David is on the side or not pictured; but on his own pages, David seems to be the guy in the center – the fun-loving, outgoing, good-time guy that I know.
Which is the true David? If his friends always have him on the side, then is he the loser of the group and he’s trying to be “all that” and impress me? I’m confused.
Stephanie (not my real name)
*****
Thanks for the letter, Stephanie.
As per usual, I will respond to you as I would a friend of mine: Don’t look for trouble where there isn’t any. Instead of thinking of the man you are dating and growing to love, you are looking at the fake world of social media and creating a story (I hate the word “narrative”) in your head that’s making you rethink your relationship. And how do I know you’re rethinking the relationship? “Is he the loser of the group?” Those are your words. Are you in high school or a mature adult? “Loser?” C’mon, snap out of it!
There can only be one Alpha in a group/pack of wolves. Every group has its own genetic makeup/dynamic, if you will: You have the Alpha, and you have the Beta (he’s second in command but of no threat to the Alpha). Then, depending on the type of personalities the others in the friend group have, then their roles are defined. You can have:
“The Planner”: the one who is always planning things for the group. It could be a trip or just going to the pizza shop. He always has a Plan A and B ready for every situation.
“The Clown/Joker”: the one who is the life of the party. He/she can break the tension when things get dicey. Sometimes it means being self-deprecating – but he/she’s the one people go to when they need a pick-me-up.
“The Therapist/Mother/Father”: the one who keeps a level head when things get crazy. He/she is the one that others go to for advice.
“The Chilled One”: Nothing phases this one. Late for a flight? Half an hour late to meet the group? Didn’t prepare for a test/presentation/meeting? No problem, they’ll wing it. He/she remains cool and relaxed when disaster hits.
“The Debby Downer/Pessimist”: Think of the SNL sketch with Rachel Dratch, always the one to see the glass half-empty or the negative in any situation. “Sure, the trip to Thailand will be amazing, but the 15-hour flight? Getting all the vaccinations to protect against foreign illnesses? What if our luggage gets lost?”
There can be another dozen or so roles in a friendship group, but everyone has their assigned role whether they like it or not. What if David is the chilled guy? He doesn’t care whether he’s in or out of the picture; he’s having a good time, chillin, doin’ his thing, and not needing to prove to strangers on social media how “in the group” he is.
The David that you have gotten to know is the David that he is or that he wants to be, and who are you to question that? What if he is the tag along of the group? He’s the man in this relationship with you, and he sees that role as the Alpha and is acting like one. You yourself said you like how David treats you, you like his personality, etc. Sometimes guys showboat around one another, and sometimes they don’t bother to, when they know their actions won’t matter or will be met by conflict (remember only one Alpha can exist). If this is the case, then David may be cruising by and just hanging out with his pals.
I was asked a few times: “You’re the boss at work. Does that carry over to your marriage? Are you the dominant one, telling your husband what to do or not do?” I kid you not. I hate this question and I respond by saying, “What happens in my marriage is none of your business.” Are they trying to emasculate my husband? For what reason does the answer to this question affect their life. It doesn’t. It’s a rude and obnoxious question, and if pushed hard enough by the person asking the question, I’ll tell them just that. But the truth is, you have to know how to compartmentalize. We all wear lots of hats. Personally, I’m a wife and mother. I have to balance my children and husband without one of them feeling like second fiddle. I am a daughter and sister, and even those roles require me to act differently. I can’t speak to my father the way I do with my sister. Yes, I may be “boss” of my department and staff, but I am still the CEO’s employee. I can’t speak or act with him like I do with my staff. If I do, I may not be departmental boss for long.
David wears many hats. Does wearing the beret of the Director or the clown hat in his friends group make a difference to you? If it does, okay. You have every right to feel the way you do. If you’re looking to date the Alpha type and David may not fit that in his friend group, it may lead to questions. But what if he is the exact Alpha type you need in a spouse? Ask yourself why the way David acts with his friends affects your feeling towards him? Isn’t it enough that they are a “great bunch of guys?” Obviously, they like him because they include him in plans. But if he is their “hop-along,” can’t he still be your Alpha?
Stephanie, enjoy your time with David. Don’t overthink it and please don’t create different narratives (ugh!) in your head. You’re looking for trouble if you continue.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
