In the past, I have written that it is a huge adjustment to go from thinking of “Me” and “I” to “Us” and “We” once you become part of a couple. It took me a bit of time to adjust to that when I became a kallah. I was someone in my mid-30s who never had to consult someone else when I wanted to buy something or go somewhere. I’m a fast learner, so the adjustment period wasn’t long. But for some, the shock of having to ask another person “permission” to do something, go somewhere, or to buy something is shocking and it may seem ridiculous. I don’t think of it as asking permission. You’re not going on a class trip and in need of your parent’s signature. This is a new life. You will live with this person, and I refer to it as “keeping them in the loop” and “asking for another opinion.” Your actions and decisions will be affecting someone else, just as their decisions will affect you. As you will read below, this kallah found out the hard way that she should start thinking of herself as part of a “we” than a “me.”
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Dear Goldy:
I became a kallah and got all wrapped up in the excitement that I forgot to include my chasan in some decisions. He let a few things slide and didn’t make a big deal about them, but I think I finally broke the camel’s back.
My chasan and I spend many Sundays shopping for furniture, linens, towels, dishes for our new apartment. I thought it was cute that my chasan wanted to be included in what I thought of as wife responsibilities – picking out colors of towels and patterns of China. He was great about it, but I was able to tell that he was getting dizzy from everything. I thought that I was doing him a favor when my parents offered to buy a particular couch and coffee table that we were interested in but were considering the cost of. It was a gift, and you know the expression of not looking a gift horse in the mouth. I guess I was wrong, because my chasan blew a fuse when he found out that I agreed, and the couch and table were bought without consulting him. I thought he’d be thrilled, but I was wrong. He is appreciative that my parents bought us such a generous gift, but he feels that he should have been asked or told about it before they bought it. He said that if it was from another relative or a friend, he wouldn’t be angry, because then it would have been a surprise for both of us. He said that because my parents told me what they were going to do, I should have called him. But I wanted it to be a surprise!
My chasan told me that I need to talk with him when there are decisions to be made. I understand that I’m part of a couple now and can’t just think of myself. It’s not like I bought a house or agreed to a trip to Hawaii. I wasn’t thinking of myself when I accepted the gift from my parents. I was thinking of how wonderful the furniture will make our apartment look. I was thinking that we’ll have a place to sit, put books or cups of coffee on, etc.
I suppose my question is: How do I know when I need to speak with my chasan/soon-to-be-husband and when I can make a decision on my own? When can I surprise him and when will the surprise be on me that I made a mistake?
This Is Harder Than I Thought
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Thank you so much for your email, Harder, and mazal tov upon your engagement!
Yes, it is hard to know when certain decisions can be made by one half of a new couple and when both parties in a “new couple” must have a discussion before a decision is made. Couples that have been together for a while basically know which decisions require both to weigh in or which can be made solo, but occasionally an error can be made. It takes years and experience to know the right answer to your question, and sometimes you still get it wrong. Everyone runs into this issue, so don’t worry about it. I remember when I was first married and had to adjust to asking my husband “permission” to buy something. He kept telling me, “I’m not your parent; you don’t need permission to buy something.” I didn’t know what I had to ask about and what I didn’t have to ask about, so I asked about everything! I quickly used my seichel and was able to decipher which decisions needed my husbands’ opinion.
I read the beginning of your letter twice. You wrote, “I thought it was very cute that my chasan wanted to be included in what I thought of as wife responsibilities – picking out colors of towels and patterns of China…” I understand what you mean when you refer to “wife responsibilities,” but don’t forget, your chasan is excited about getting married and starting a new life with you. He wants to be included in the decision-making because it’s going to be his new life, too. He may get “dizzy” from picking out all the necessities and the accessories that go into setting up a new house, but his participation and wanting to be part of the process proves how excited he is.
You mentioned that you refrained from including your chasan in some decisions, but the couch and table “surprise” was the final straw. I don’t know what the other decisions were – whether it was what color to paint the bedroom or what pattern dishtowels to buy – meaning, I don’t know how important the decision was or how much it meant for your chasan not to be included. I suggest that you have a discussion with your chasan and ask him what he would like to be included in and what you can decide on your own. I’m sure he’s making some decisions that will affect you, as well. Fair is fair. You should discuss it.
Sometimes, husbands don’t want to be involved in decisions regarding the house, but some husbands want a say in everything. True, it was a generous gift from your parents, and your intentions of surprising your chasan do seem pure and innocent. But how would you feel if it was reversed, and your future in-laws bought you a living room set or a dining room set, and you weren’t consulted? I’m sure your chasan appreciates what your parents did, but I can understand that he wants a say in how his apartment or house is furnished.
Time will help you with these decisions, as will getting to know your husband’s likes/dislikes/opinions on all matters. Always ask yourself if you would be pleasantly surprised or insulted that you weren’t included in the decision-making. Now is a good time to have this conversation, before anyone “surprises” anyone else.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
