Dear Goldy:
My parents are divorced. My father remarried. My siblings and I don’t spend a lot of time with him. We really didn’t have a choice or a say in whom he married, but we were fine with that. We lucked out. His wife is nice and doesn’t seem to mind when I or any of my siblings is around.
My siblings and I (I’m 15 and I have 12-year-old twin brother and sister) live with our mom for most of the time. We want her to be happy and to get married again. I (we) don’t like the man she’s dating now. They’re going out for a few months. We’ve already met him. My mom said they are going slow, but she likes him. I like that she’s taking it slow, but the fact that she introduced us to him tells me she’s serious about him.
There’s no specific thing I don’t like about him (my siblings included). It’s just a feeling that we get. It’s like he’s trying too hard to impress us, which I can understand, because if we really don’t like a guy, my mom would take that into consideration. But it’s more than that. It’s like he’s “on” every time I see him. He’s kinda over the top in what he says and does. It’s all “extra.” That’s the best I can do to describe it. And he’s not just like this when “the kids” are around. From listening to my mother, he’s always over the top. I don’t want to say it, but it could be fake. Maybe he’s living in the honeymoon stage now, while they are dating, and then if they get married, he’ll act like another person altogether.
We want our mother to get married, but not with this guy. There was someone she dated a couple of years ago we really liked, but things didn’t work out. We would have been happy if they got married. But not this guy. So don’t think that we would reject everyone she would get serious about. We just don’t like him specifically. I told my mom that this guy is “okay,” but he seems like too much too handle. She told me that I need more time to get used to him. I don’t want to come out and say, “We don’t like him because he’s over the top.” That sounds ridiculous, even though it’s true. I don’t want to hurt her. But it’s the “ick” factor we get from him that sets us off.
Thank you in advance.
Concerned Child(ren)
*****
Thank you for your letter, CC.
I want to start off by saying how impressed I am by your letter. You (and your siblings) love your mother and want her to be happy but have concerns and are asking for help. For a 15-year-old, you are doing a very mature thing. I also want to say that it helped reading that not only do you and your siblings want your mother to marry again, but that there was someone a couple of years back that you would have welcomed into your family. Because of that, I don’t get the feeling that it’s just words, when you say, “We want her to marry and be happy.” The fact that there was an actual person that could have made this a reality tells me, like you said, that there may be something about this specific man that rubs you and your siblings the wrong way.
When a couple begins dating, they both do what they can if they want the other to like them. They would pull out all the stops. So, for “Louie” (how I’ll refer to him) to be over the top and try to impress the woman that he has feelings for and to try to win over her children isn’t strange. It may seem fake, or too much, but he may not even realize how it looks from your point of view. I doubt he would do anything to make his “girlfriend’s” children not like him. Like you wrote, your mom would take your feelings into consideration and I’m sure Louie knows that.
Everyone has a different type of personality. In friendships, as with dating, you tend to be drawn to someone with a similar personality as yours – or maybe with a personality totally opposite of yours. What I’m saying is, in those types of relationships, it can be chosen who you’d like to keep in your life. With family and spouses of loved ones, sometimes there is no choice, and this is who they are. Take it or leave it. This is who they are. Period. Maybe Louie is this over-the-top kind of fellow that goes all out and wants to impress and please everyone. You don’t know him well enough to think it’s an act. Although I hope for your mother’s sake, the Louie she is dating is the real Louie and there is no personality change as time goes on. As for this being the “honeymoon stage” for Louie which may explain his personality, I think you may be wrong there. There’s nothing to celebrate yet, other than he has found someone who seems to care for him and they share similar interests. Which is something to celebrate if that’s what you’ve been searching for.
I was glad to read that you tried speaking with your mother about your feelings. I’ll agree, it does sound ridiculous to say that you don’t like Louie because he’s too much, but whatever the reason, it is your reason. Your mother may like the fact that Louie goes the extra mile and makes her feel special. Maybe she hasn’t had that in a while... We had a friend of the family whose husband sounds a lot like Louie. He was loud, always doing and saying outrageous things (some were good and others not as good.) He wasn’t a bad guy, but I wasn’t a fan of his. I also thought he was “too much.” But he wasn’t my husband, and I didn’t have to have much contact with him. You and your siblings, on the other hand, can end up living with Louie if your mother and he marry. Because he may become such a big part of your life, I think you should try to speak with your mother again, but try another approach. Maybe you can begin by saying you’re happy that she found someone she likes and makes her feel special, but it may take you and your siblings (but they can speak for themselves) a little more time to get used to him, and explain why.
Be prepared because your mother may get defensive. Here, she has a boyfriend, and her child(ren) are complaining that he’s too over the top, too much and possibly fake. Make it very clear that you aren’t trying to bash Louie, but you are trying to understand him better if he means that much to her. You may have to spend some more time with Louie to get used to him. His personality may grow on you or it may not, just give it a fair shot because he may be here to stay. I also wouldn’t discount that some of your feelings may be because your mother is serious about him and your life may be in for some major changes.
Unconsciously, you may be trying to find something you don’t like about him. You mentioned the other man; it’s wonderful that you liked him, but that relationship ended. So, push never really came to shove, if you know what I’m talking about.
The important things to keep in mind are that while you may not understand or even really like Louie, he is a good man, treats your mother well, and makes her happy. Those are three very important things and can’t be overlooked. It’s not uncommon for a family to begin family therapy in times like this – a new stepparent, and person who will live with you comes into the picture. There is a lot to discuss and discover, and feelings to talk through. You are taking the first steps. But please understand that you may never “get” Louie’s personality, but your mother does and accepts it. I hope everything works out for you.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
