I was the type of child and teenager that wanted to please everyone: teachers, friends, my friends’ parents, my parents, etc. It was ingrained in me to be a people pleaser. So, you can imagine the shock I felt as I got older and realized that nobody can please everyone all the time, and you’d be lucky to please some of the people some of the time. If I got into an argument with anyone, I would apologize first and make sure, “We’re okay, right?” But as the decades have come and gone, I am more accepting of that saying. Sometimes, depending on the situation, I don’t care if my actions or words anger/annoy/frustrate someone. I’m too tired or fed up to care if everyone likes me. I’d love to be Sally Fields, but I’m not. I’m me, and the only person who has to love and like me is me (and my family).
That being said, it’s about the time of year where I publish and respond to an email that is critical of me or something I wrote about. Luckily, my skin is much thicker than it used to be, and my days are too full to have me thinking about “Why’d they write that about me?” over and over. Now, I just let things stay where they fall.
*****
Dear Goldy:
I’ve read your column from the start. I love your take on things and how you let people know your thoughts on the matter. But I’ve been noticing in the last few months that your column has gotten darker. You aren’t joking as much as you have in the past. Sometimes it sounds as if you are yelling at the writer. How you answered the mom in “The Best,” seemed rude. I think you actually did yell at the friend in “Keep Your Nose Out of Their Business.”
Topics are becoming more serious and at times depressing. If this is what dating is turning into, why would I want my teenagers reading your column and scaring them? I’m all for being informed and up to date, but you need to take it down a notch. Yes, this is a community paper, and current events need to be written about, but it’s also a family paper, so maybe you can phrase things differently. If you continue on like this, avoiding the fun, lighthearted path that you have always taken, I may have to stop reading your column.
Debbie
*****
Debbie, I sincerely thank you for your email.
I appreciate your kind words about my column, and you are entitled to your opinion, but I am entitled to mine, as well, and that’s what I write about.
After reading your email, I went back to look at the past couple of months of my column, trying to understand why you think it “went darker.” “The Best” was about how a mother thought her son was the best, and shadchanim kept setting him up with girls “unworthy of him.” In “Get Your Nose…,” a woman was being nosey and making a friend uncomfortable by asking her why her boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet.
In both articles (and in others), I gave my honest opinion, and if you interpreted that as mean or “dark” and serious, so be it. But I never intentionally insult or “yell” at anyone. And if you read the end of the emails, they actually asked me to be real with them. I answer them as I would a friend. If you don’t like the way I phrase things, as I wrote in “It’s All in the Delivery,” then you don’t have to read my column. But send me a postcard from the fairytale world you live in where it rains gumdrops and candy canes.
I put myself in the shoes of readers who read my column for enjoyment and who let their teenagers read it, as well. I think you confused the column for the comics or funny pages. Yes, many times I put a funny and light spin on a serious issue, but sometimes you can’t spin a serious topic. I feel the responsibility to bring the issue to everyone’s attention so people can be prepared if they or a loved one is put in the same situation.
The world (and dating) isn’t what it used to be decades ago. If we keep our heads in the sand, then we are doing a disservice to ourselves and our children. I want your teenagers to be aware of what’s happening. They will date, eventually, and no one wants them to learn a lesson the hard way. My articles are for enjoyment, but also intended to start the discussion with teenagers and those already dating of what to do if faced with certain issues or situations.
Debbie, did you not speak with your kids about kidnappers when they were younger? How not to approach a car if someone pulled up near them asking for directions? You want to tuck your children into bed at night knowing they’re safe. The need to protect them never goes away.
You may think, “My son/daughter is 19 and knows how to be careful.” That would be wrong, because the world evolves and unfortunately the bad evolves with the good; identity theft, cyber bullying – were these things we discussed 20 years ago? I’m not sure, but they are now spoken about daily on the news.
I hope you aren’t among those who think that just because they are frum Jews, the horrors of the outside world don’t affect you or your family. Wake up! Religion has nothing to do with it. Go back and read some more past articles. Think of the dozens of letters I don’t publish. Must I remind you what was posted and written about on frum websites only weeks ago re: what was happening in Baltimore? And how do you think I felt knowing that members of my family interacted with that family regularly? It’s eye-opening and hits close to home.
To be honest, your email really just made me want put my head in my hands in sad disbelief (think of that emoji). Did you ever tell your children the story of Little Red Riding Hood: The wolf eats Grandma and tried to eat Little Red? That can be a scary story for a child. But it also teaches them to be alert and question things that don’t seem right; then you can start the conversation about stranger danger. Hansel and Gretel are held captive by an evil witch in her candy house! But the lesson is there to learn. Even Disney stories have good winning over evil. Bad is part of life, but good and funny is, too. Or did you just sit coloring and playing checkers with your children as they grew up? I’m serious. Think about it.
Yes, the Queens Jewish Link is a community and family paper. I don’t think I write about anything offensive or use crude language that offends readers. When I write about a topic that I think young people may not understand or may scare them, I write a disclaimer letting parents know that what they are about to read may not be appropriate for their ten-year-olds. It’s up to you whether you allow your kids to read a column titled “Dating Today” about people dating!
But I will not stop writing about what is actually going on in the dating world because you don’t like the direction you think my column is going. If you go out on a hike, do you bring a bottle of water, your cell phone, maps, and a compass? You prepare yourself as best you can. This column is meant to do the same for those in the dating world. And you may notice that I respond to letters written by people who have questions. I don’t pull the topics out of thin air and make up a scenario because I have too much time on my hands and nothing better to do. These topics are real and are happening.
I’m sorry if you choose not to read my column anymore or not to “allow” your teenagers to either. But I’m more concerned about informing, helping, and alerting others about what’s going on out there. I know many people read my column strictly for entertainment purposes; they are married and their children haven’t reached the dating age yet or are well past that stage of life, and that’s fine. I like thinking that I bring some enjoyment to someone’s Shabbos. But I can’t just be a comedienne. I wouldn’t be able to sleep peacefully at night, knowing that I didn’t inform as well as entertain.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
