This article is a continuation of last week’s piece on the Top 5 Basic Dating Tips.
Tip #3 – Just thinking of where to go on a first date causes many anxiety. Many don’t want to sit and eat on a first date, or if they do, they don’t only want to eat on a date. So, what can you do on a first date? You need to plan a date. A few friends of mine have been taken to a hotel lounge and spent the night playing a board game their date brought. The evening was spent with two people getting to know each other and playing checkers or Trivial Pursuit. Depending on how confident you are in your ability, you can go ice skating. I was once taken to a comedy club on a first date, but it’s hard to get to know someone when you can’t speak to each other for 90 minutes of the date. I feel going to a comedy club, concert, or ball game should be saved for the third or fourth date when you’ve already gotten to know each other a bit. You can go to arcades; I remember countless dates had in the ESPN Zone when it was still open here in Manhattan. Matching your skills against your date’s while playing or competing in air hockey, free throwing, speed racing, downhill skiing, or not. Some men didn’t react well when the girl they’d taken out beat him at every game. Think outside the box; ax-throwing venues are popular. There’s the craze of playing cornhole or shuffleboard. I guess the old is new again. There are Sip and Paint classes that people seem to love. Choices are endless. But the one place I do not recommend going on any date is…the cemetery. Bet you didn’t expect me to write that. Surprisingly, that is the second time I’ve heard of a girl being taken to the cemetery on a first date — see? People don’t know how to date. What normal person would do that?!
Tip #4 – People often wonder, “What am I supposed to talk about with a stranger?” This, as well as Tip #3, can be referred to as “First Date Jitters.” It’s normal to feel nervous because you’re meeting and spending time with a stranger and trying to figure out if you want to wake up next to this person for the next 50 years. It’s everything you were warned about doing since childhood: talking to strangers, telling them about yourself…. The goal of the first couple of dates is to get to know the person you are with and vice versa. Talk about hobbies or, if you “don’t have any,” like I hear so many say, start with asking how their day was. Talk about your day. Maybe tell a funny story about a classmate or co-worker, but don’t go into too much detail — after all, your date doesn’t know any of your co-workers or office politics. Discuss summer camp, a funny college professor, or a lecture or movie you recently saw. Soon enough you’ll be playing Jewish geography and realize you both know some of the same people. Ease into things. Don’t start off with religious questions, and please don’t recite a monologue about your life. Yes, you are trying to get to know the other person and vice versa, but you shouldn’t tell them everything in one sitting! Let there be a natural back and forth. If there are a few moments of silence, embrace them. Think of them as comfortable silences where you can think and regroup instead of awkward silences. When married, you and your spouse won’t be talking every second of the day. You may sit next to your spouse without saying anything, simply enjoying their company.
My advice would be to avoid “questioning or interrogating” your date. I am not joking here. I remember being taken to a hotel lounge by a date who was supposed to be over six feet tall but was shorter than I am (I’m 5’3) asking me a series of questions that felt like they were pulled out of a hat. One question had no connection to the next. It wasn’t a conversation; he asked, and I answered. Some of the questions were: Which black-and-white movie was my favorite? If I had to choose to live in any city in the world, which one would I choose (but he didn’t want to know why, just the city)? If I was able to choose my name, what would it be? They were just strange, and when I asked why he was asking all of these weird questions, he simply said, “I’m just going down the list.” Of course — his list. What list? I asked him to explain. Again, as if I asked him what time it was, he plainly said, “The list of questions to ask a date in order to get to know them.” Nothing is wrong with that, but I think that once one of those questions is asked, the answer should be the start of a conversation, such as: “Which holiday do you like the best?” He would have gained a bit of insight into who I am and how I think. It would have been the start of a nice conversation. Instead, he just moved on to the next question.
Tip #5 – When on a date, whether it be a first or eighth date, always think before you speak. I shouldn’t even have to write this but treat others as you would want to be treated. On one date, while being led to our table in a restaurant, someone called out to my date. It ended up being a good friend of his. They started schmoozing as if I wasn’t standing there. The hostess realized this and led me to the table, saying she would return with my companion. When my date finally sat down at the table, he very bluntly said, “You left me out there. Here I’m trying to impress my friend. You couldn’t stand for a few more seconds?” And no, it was not said in a sweet, affectionate tone. It was very rude. He was just getting started. During dinner he asked what my biggest fear was. I told him spiders. It’s true — I can’t stand them, and no, I’m not going to talk about the death of family members or other serious fears I have with a man I’ve just met who didn’t seem too interested in talking to me — he kept turning around in his seat saying, “Who else came? Do I know anyone?” After he heard “spiders,” he rolled his eyes and said something like, “A typical fear. But I’m talking about being afraid of being buried alive or dragged off a boat by an octopus and drowning.” Excuse me? Those are things to fear, but odder to just blurt out an odd fear that has probably a one-in-two-million chance of happening to someone you just met — and make fun of her fear. Then he told me a funny story about his grandmother. His grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Yes, I wrote funny because he was laughing the whole way through telling it. Unfortunately, I didn’t find it funny. He told me about a fight he had with his grandmother the day before that had her getting so agitated she ran out of the house, causing his mother to drive around the neighborhood looking for her. That’s horrific — and he’s bragging about it? He either didn’t use a filter when speaking with others or didn’t care how rude he came across — and it was very rude because other things, worse things, were said during the date.
I also remember going on a first date with two different fellows years apart, but they both said almost the same thing to me, which can be filed under Tip #1, but I’m including it here because I did not need to know this information and both of them volunteered it. They thought they were honest and upfront. I thought it was unnecessary and made my feelings of “Wow, this guy is actually normal and maybe we can have a second date” disappear as fast as they came. This is what they said: “I’ll be honest. I have another date with someone else tomorrow and someone else next week.” The first fellow said that because he had just finished the “busy season” of his job (not a CPA), he had been out of the dating loop for months and wanted to make up for lost time. The second one told me, “I just moved to New York, and there are so many frum* girls here… I need to see what’s out there. You’re just the second I’ve dated since I moved here.” Yes, I asked both what they would do if they met a girl they liked, because they seemed more into making up for lost time than really getting to know a young lady and starting a relationship. I flat-out asked each, “What would you do if you met a great girl, but you already committed to half a dozen other dates? Would you cancel the other dates or continue to go on the dates?” Both couldn’t answer the question. I believe the dating term is “monkey-barring”; they were lining up their dates and going out with one girl after another, after another. I felt as if both wanted to rack up the numbers of girls they dated. I don’t think either was interested in starting a real relationship at the time we dated. I didn’t have to know that I was one of many they agreed to date within the next two weeks, and they should have known better than to be that honest with a girl they barely knew. If they didn’t want to go out again, why bother even mentioning the other dates? Use your brain — keep quiet! I flat-out told both shadchanim “No,” before they told me what the other fellow said about the date. I didn’t want to waste their time to have to choose between me or someone else (insert eye roll and sarcasm here).
With those words, I will end here by what I tell everyone: Never let anyone dim your spark. Do not apologize for who you are or try to extinguish that which makes you uniquely you. If the person you are dating doesn’t like aspects of your personality and asks you to change, don’t. Be true to who you are. You are worth it — to be yourself and for someone to love you as you are.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
