Dear Goldy:

I put myself out there on dating sites and say that I’m an outdoorsy type of person who likes “hiking, adventure, bicycling, etc.” – all of those outdoorsy types of things that people say that they “like” to do.

I’m really an indoor person who liked sitting on the couch and watching a movie or scrolling on my phone. I go out of the house to meet friends, do errands, and work. But if I put that in my dating profile, I’ll get all shut ins and introverts. I wrote that I like to do all these activities because it makes me sound fun. And I am fun. But more of an indoorsy type of fun – and I’m not talking about “walking around in a museum” indoor way. I think you know what I’m talking about.

I read your column, and I see how my parents, married sister, and married friends live. Dating life is not real life. Real life is staying home, working, taking care of house and family, and going out for Sunday Funday or once in a while for a “date night.” I don’t think I’m lying or deceiving anyone by what I include in my profile. There is no box to check that says: “I like sitting at home and chillin’ on the couch.” I can’t believe that all the thousands of guys and girls who choose all of these sports as hobbies actually do them on a regular basis. I’ve seen pictures of hiking trails and beaches, and I’m not seeing them crowded with people on dates. If everyone did what their profile said they did, maybe we’d be a fit and healthier society.

I’m mentioning this because the last person I went out with was disappointed that I kept turning down “long walks.” Seriously? Winter in New York? It’s been 30 degrees. If it were 65 and sunny, there’s a chance I’d go for a walk. When he asked about walking around Dyker Heights around Christmas time to look at the decorated houses, he wasn’t so keen on “just doing a drive by,” like I suggested. Yes, I did like him, but because I didn’t want to do all of the things my profile said I like doing, he told me I wasn’t the type of person he was attracted to, and I should consider editing my profile so I don’t give others the wrong idea.

I don’t think I have to edit my profile in any way. Everyone lies a little, but when a guy writes that he’s 5’11 and when he shows up he’s barely 5’7 (I’m 5’7)? Or when the profile picture of guys and girls was taken five years and fifty pounds ago when the person had more hair. There’s an unspoken understanding that people fudge a little bit or lie a little on dating profiles, because if we really write who and what we are, we’d attract those whom we specifically don’t want to date. Besides, in time, when you meet the right person, everyone changes. No one is the same at 50 as he or she was at 25. So, no, I don’t think I have to change anything.

I want to know what you feel about these dating profiles and resumes.

 Lauren

*****

Thank you for the email, Lauren, and for the laugh I had while reading it.

My short answer: You’re right, everyone lies a little bit on their profile in order to attract the kind of person they want to date.

I personally hate the profiles and the resumes because they are all fake. I, too, wrote that I’m an outdoorsy person and I like hiking, staying active, and that I’m adventurous – when in reality, I’m right next to you, chillin’ on the couch, watching Bravo. The last adventurous thing I did was eat an olive because my husband asked me to, knowing I hate olives. So, it was an adventure for my palette (and a gross one. Sorry, I’m not an olive lover). But on dates, I would go along with whatever idea the fellow had, even if it wasn’t something I’d like to do, because I knew that we’d only be at it a short time, and whomever I do marry won’t be taking me on hikes or to the museum because, as you wrote and I have written many times, life takes over and the dating life you lived isn’t the married life you will have.

Long answer: Nothing is wrong with not having exciting hobbies. And in my day, there was no box to check that I liked staying home and doing whatever I chose to do at home; maybe there’s a box now or a box should be added.

I, too, can’t imagine bike trails and golf courses and National Parks brimming with couples on dates – people having to excuse themselves for bumping into each other because there wasn’t enough room on the road for everyone to walk or bike. It was fun thinking of what type of person I could be by looking at all those boxes that could be checked. And on some websites, at least three boxes had to be checked: “Yeah, I like art. I like painting by numbers. That’s art, right? I read the newspaper on Shabbos, so I guess I’m an avid reader. My friend dragged me to the gym as her plus one last week, so I guess I like trying new things (just not doing them so they become habits).” You’re right that everyone does it, whether it’s in hobbies or height or occupation. The actual face-to-face date is the moment of truth: How much of their profile is true?

I don’t think you have to edit your profile if you didn’t lie outright about something. Embellishing is expected. I can see why your date would question why you wrote that you enjoy “long walks” or “being outdoors,” when you chose not to, every time he attempted to get you outside. But I really can’t blame you for not wanting to walk outside in 30-degree weather. All I have to say is, be open to anything.

You (and I) are right by saying that dating life is not real married life. But if you do want to date and marry the type of person you would like to – then you have to be willing to try new things at least once and step out of your comfort zone. You can’t say no to doing everything they suggest and think they’ll keep dating you. Even you should do some research and come up with an idea or two that you would like to do on a date – therefore, he’ll see that you put some thought into the date and you end up doing something you actually want to do because you chose it. Doing something new for a few hours won’t kill you and you may find that you enjoy it.

Lauren, I’m thinking about a few fellows whom I dated, who I know are married with kids now. I’m thinking of friends and cousins who have settled down and started families, and I know for a fact that they don’t go out on “date night” more than once a week and some are lucky to find the time to go out once a month. Sunday Funday has turned into errand day and driving kids to gymnastics and Little Legue, waiting an hour and going to drive them (and others) home. Yes, we would all like to go out, have a night off from responsibilities or go on a vacation once a year. You’ll appreciate it more when you hardly have time to go to the bathroom before there’s a little hand knocking on the door. But right now, take it in stride. Don’t check off the scuba diving or skydiving box if that is a hard no for you. But checking off other things, I don’t think anything is wrong with it especially when that activity is suggested on a date and very doable.

The fellow who told you to edit your profile seems very serious (about walking). I never told anyone to change his dating profile – even when he lied that he was 5’11 when in actuality he was my height, 5’3. Live and let live. But yes, there should be a box to check off that explains you don’t have to have a hobby, you’ll do something if you want to and if you’re not in the mood, then you won’t. Deep down, everyone is like that.

Hatzlachah to you all.


Goldy Krantz  is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.