Dear Goldy:
I’m able to relate to some of what you write about. I’m 33 years old and working full time, but not a professional. I never attended college and am not what you call “white collar.” I’m a hard worker and I believe that I have a lot to offer a wife. There have been times when I take a girl out on a date and she says something to the effect of, “Usually I date doctors or lawyers.” I’m not sure how to respond to that. From the start, girls know that I am not a “suit-and-tie, 9-to-5 type.” I don’t make it a secret. The shadchanim know and tell the girl. I make a very good living and have impeccable manners, always treating everyone fairly and with kindness. How do I respond to comments such as this? Are girls trying to say that they will give me a chance even though I am not the type they usually date? Are they trying to say that they can date others who are “better than me?” They may think they are giving me a compliment. I don’t appreciate this comment or others like it.
Why do some girls have to point out that I am not a doctor or lawyer when I am well aware of it?
Dovid G.
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Dovid, thank you for your letter, and I will do my best to answer your question.
I remember when shadchanim would ask me, “Did you attend seminary in Israel?” I was 29 or 30 and that question was still being asked. I would tell the shadchan, “Even if I did, it would have been a decade ago, I’m a different person.” I was told the fellow was looking for a “Darchei Binah type of girl.” One time, I was told that I dressed like a “Flatbusher.” I wasn’t sure what to make of that. I think people feel comfortable and safe by placing objects and people into categories with labels on them. “A successful businessman who did not attend college or grad school? Well, that’s just crazy talk!” In my generation, education was drilled into our heads by parents. Get an education, and then a good job, which will help you earn a good salary. Almost as if going to college equaled being a success, when we know that isn’t true. Plenty of wealthy individuals are in “business” and never attended one day of college.
Any person who looks at the degree someone has and not the personality, midos, and all that make up the gestalt of a person, doesn’t have her priorities straight, if you ask my opinion. These people are looking for a specific “type.” A doctor, lawyer, accountant may have the pedigree and schooling along with the degrees on the wall, but they may lack decency, midos, manners. I have gone out with doctors and “high-powered lawyers” who had a “G-d Complex.” They thought they were the best thing since my mother’s sliced roast! Some of them didn’t treat others nicely. I was able to see this from how they spoke with wait staff at restaurants and how they referred to people when telling a story. I clearly remember a lawyer whom I dated once. He told me about his siblings and when he described his sister he said, “She’s ugly inside and out. Her looks are horrible, and she has a depressing personality. She doesn’t know why she’s single. I do! She should look in the mirror.” I was horrified that he had said that about his sister to a stranger, a potential spouse. What would he say about me or my family? How would he treat me when things didn’t go “according to plan”?
Degrees reflect academic achievement – and that’s it. Yes, in the early and mid-1900s, a degree may equal having a great job with a great salary, but times have changed. If someone is looking to get married, look at the whole picture of who that person is. Unfortunately, I know too many doctors and lawyers with broken marriages. For one reason or another, they were not able to get along with their spouses. The doctors are still practicing, and the lawyer is still arguing cases, but the spouses now have an “Ex” or a “Formerly Known As Mr./Mrs.______” in front of their name.
I never liked labels. When I was asked by many dating sites to categorize what I am, I always had trouble. I was from a good frum home. My father attends a shiur daily and wears a black hat; my mother covered her hair and wore skirts, yet we have three TVs at home and we watch movies. But we are good frum Jews. Did I fit into the yeshivish, machmir, heimish groups? When someone asked if I was “modern,” I replied, “Yes, I use electricity and drive a car.”
People feel comfortable when they can classify something. I know people who would only date someone with a Master’s Degree or a PhD. I can’t fault people for wanting what they want; but I beg of everyone to look at the person in addition to the shidduch resume!
I, too, thought I would marry a typical white collar with a college or Master’s Degree. But you know what? My husband isn’t typical anything, and that is one of the reasons I liked him so much in the beginning. If we give people half a chance and not think, “but he/she isn’t this or that…,” then maybe we can find basherts more easily. Maybe.
Someone once told my mother in shul that her granddaughter read an article that I had written after I became a kallah. I threw out my shidduch list and really started to look at people and not “the titles” I wanted my spouse to have, even though I didn’t adhere to it very strictly. Once I did that, my mind opened up and I was really able to look at the person sitting across the table from me on dates. That’s one of the reasons I married my husband – an ex-smoker, who grew up in Borough Park, part of a chasidish family. None of those things were on “my list,” and I am proud to say that I am very happy that I opened my eyes – and, no, it doesn’t matter that we knew each other from work, because only when I opened my eyes to him and not at his labels did things work out. The woman said that, after her granddaughter read the article, her granddaughter started to date men who weren’t as tall as she would have liked them to be. This girl always wanted a tall husband. And you know what, she gave the one “short” fellow half a chance, even though he didn’t fit the height requirement, and they are now married!
Dovid, the girls who remind you of what they “usually go out with” are looking for a specific type and not a real-life, living, breathing person. They can’t or won’t deviate from their quest. I hope they find what they are looking for, and I hope their white-collar professional has all the qualities they are looking for and not just the academic achievements they seek. You can’t change them. But I can tell you that the comment made by these girls have nothing to do with you or who you are as a person. It may be hard to hear, but please don’t pay any attention to them. They are looking for a type to fit the mold of “husband” that they have already created in their minds.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
