Dear Goldy:

I’m kind of new to the dating scene. I’ve been out with three guys so far. I’m easing myself into things. I’m 20 years old and really want to focus on my education and graduating college now, because it will only get harder balancing life and school as the years go by. So, I date guys that I really feel may be right for me. I don’t go out with everyone I’m redt to.

I’m now going out with my fourth guy, and I like him. The issue is that our dates have lasted six hours and I can’t go out for that long. I’m having a good time and I like him, but it’s sooooo long. Last time we went out, we sat in his car in front of my house for over an hour! I didn’t feel trapped, but I wanted to leave, but didn’t want to be rude and just say goodbye.

I should also mention that we live two hours apart. We only see each other on Sundays or if he comes to stay by a friend for Shabbos, then Friday and Sunday. I understand why our dates are on the long side, but this is just too long for me.

How can I tell him that I can’t do a five-/six-hour date and not sound mean or obnoxious?

Chuma

 

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Thanks for your email, Chuma.

Let me begin by saying that I am all in favor of you wanting to finish school (BA or Masters?) now rather than trying to finish it later on when “life” is happening. There will never be a good time to go back to school, adding studying and writing papers to your already busy life. That’s not to say that I’m not in favor of going back to school after being married and having a child or two. I just know that now is the time you can concentrate on your studies. Yes, everyone has a life and responsibilities, but going to school without having to be the one who feels responsible for the kids, making dinner, running errands, etc. helps you to continue your studies with a clearer mind than if you added all to the mix.

I remember when I was in graduate school, a woman whom I had been in a few classes with came over to me and told me that she didn’t sit down to begin the assignment due that day until 2 a.m. that morning. She had no other choice. She worked 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., had children, etc. She was a champ. Always in class, always with a smile, but always tired and stressed out. She told me that she knew she would hand in the assignment on time, but as the weeks and days went by, she hadn’t found an hour or two to even begin it. But she laughed and said, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” In no way am I saying that girls should finish their degrees and only after that begin dating. I’m merely telling you what I knew and what this woman actually told me. I also have a friend who went back to classes at Columbia Law School two and a half weeks, I think, after having a baby. (If I’m wrong, I know she’ll be in touch with me after Shabbos.) Life continues and stops for no one.

Being 20 and having gone out with “three guys” is nothing bad – I didn’t know if you wrote that as if apologizing or feeling bad, or maybe feeling fine. Remember, I’m not Rashi. I have always said that someone should date only when he or she wants to, and not to cave in to pressure by others to “get out there.” Nothing is wrong with taking it slow, “easing yourself into dating.”

Now, onto your question: How can you end a date without the fellow feeling that you cut the date short because you don’t like him and without hurting him. I think it’s refreshing that you are considering how your actions affect the fellow you’re going out with, and you want to do things the “correct way.” Bad new, there is no correct way with anything when shidduch dating is involved. Everyone will have their opinion.

If you are still setting up dates through and using a shadchan, you can be honest and tell the shadchan how you feel. “I’m having a great time, but I can’t handle these marathon dates. They’re just too much for me.” She/he can then convey your message to the fellow, and if this particular shadchan has seichel, it will be done in a way that won’t hurt his feelings. The shadchan won’t say, “She likes you, but it’s like you’re keeping her hostage. Cut the date after two or three hours.” Yes, the message was passed along, but now he may be thinking that you are feeling trapped – even though you like him. Remember, words have an impact.

I understand why the dates are so long: The two of you probably live in different states, and when he comes in, he wants to make the most of the time he can spend with you. Again, I don’t know if you speak with him on the phone or if you are still using the shadchan, but if you aren’t speaking on the phone yet, then he really wants to spend time with you because he won’t get to even hear your voice for at least five days or more.

I don’t know how comfortable you are with actually telling him how you feel about the long dates – maybe you want the right wording. My advice: Just be honest. You can say, “Shalom, I’m really enjoying our dates (the time we are spending together) and I understand that because of where we each live, we can’t see each other all the time. But the long dates are overwhelming me. This has nothing to do with what I’m feeling about our dates. It’s me. I can’t do the marathon dates. Can we shorten the dates? Is that all right with you?” Of course, you can re-word that or even go off script. In this way, you are being clear: You like him, you enjoy the dates, but you are overwhelmed by the long dates, you want to continue, but you can’t continue as things are. You are putting the onus on you. You aren’t telling him he’s too much, or you can’t handle him in large doses. If Shalom cares about you, he wouldn’t want anything he does to overwhelm you or have you questioning the “relationship” or him. In the long run, listening to you and shortening the dates will take some pressure/anxiety off of you. It really works in his favor.

Sitting in the car for over an hour, while in front of your house, is a long time – especially if you’re thinking, “How can I leave without blurting out, “Bye. Thanks so much. But I want to leave!” How did I handle the same situation? I would thank my date for a nice evening as we rounded my corner or pulling up to my house. I may have also begun unclicking the seat belt and reaching for the door. My actions and words would have been clear if the fellow had seichel. There were times when I was kept hostage in a car because my date lacked some seichel/social awareness. Every time I tried to say, “Okay. Thank you,” my date would launch into another discussion and without cutting him off to say, “That’s it. Goodnight.” I’d have to sit a little longer and try to end the conversation. Yes, there was the time when I sat in the car outside my house with a date for 45 minutes, but those were abnormal circumstances. My date was depressed the entire night because his kallah broke off the engagement two weeks prior to our date. He said he was blind-sided, had many unanswered questions. I sat there giving him a pep talk, a therapy session. And this is the exact kind of case where I say: Do not let anyone pressure you to date if you aren’t ready. Clearly, this fellow was not ready to date yet. He was still grieving the last relationship. Whoever redt the shidduch, or whoever encouraged him to date so soon after his heart break was wrong in so many ways. This wasn’t a “get right back on the horse” type of situation.

Chuma, I hope I have helped you with your situation. I wish you hatzlachah in school and with dating. Anytime you have a question, Tante Goldy is always here for you. (I won’t publish other letters/questions.)

Hatzlachah to you all.


Goldy Krantz  is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.