Dear Goldy:

I’m dating “Avi.” He’s very busy at work. He works all the time. Calls come in at all hours. He must take the calls. Even if we’re together. He’s said that he told his assistant not to bother him unless it was an “emergency.” So, if the assistant calls, he picks up. I’m understanding about this. I know it comes with the territory – I want someone in the “business world” and today, nothing is a 9-to-5 job anymore. But Avi doesn’t have a job. He has a position, a career, a bright future.

What I’m annoyed about is that Avi refers to his assistant as his “work wife.” I’m familiar with the term and I’m fine with it, but I found out that his assistant is a single frum girl – a sister of a friend of his – which is how Avi found and hired her. The assistant is at least five to eight years older than Avi and is single. I know there’s nothing to worry about. He said she’s been working for him for over five years and she’s the best assistant he ever had. If there was something between them, it would have happened by now.

Now that our relationship has turned serious, I’m not loving the term “work wife” anymore. If the assistant wasn’t frum and single, I wouldn’t care as much. I think. But she is and I’m not comfortable with it. She calls him all the time. Yes, they work late into the night sometimes, but there are always others working in the office then, too. It’s never just the two of them.

Should I tell Avi I’m uncomfortable with the term? We aren’t engaged, but it’s heading in that direction. I know, deep down, that he and his assistant will never get involved in a relationship (for many reasons). Is it even fair for me to feel this way?

Sara

*****

Thank you for your email, Sara.

I will always start off by saying, you don’t need to apologize for your feelings. For whatever the reason is, you feel this way. You know that nothing will ever happen between Avi and his friend’s sister “for many reasons,” but it makes you uncomfortable to hear him refer to his assistant as a wife, since you want to be the one and only Mrs. Avi.

You’re right that it’s a different working world than it was even a couple of decades ago. There are only a handful of jobs that are strictly 9-5. Someone in a C level position earning a hefty paycheck can’t simply work 9-5. He’s getting paid the big bucks for a reason. I’m sure he has many responsibilities and always has a few balls in the air. You wrote that Avi told his assistant to only call if there is an emergency, and I’m sure the calls were about emergencies that Avi needed to know about or deal with right away. Why else would she bother her superior when he asked not to be disturbed?

On the other hand, I totally understand how you feel. Decades ago, I went to visit my mom a”h at work one day – I think I was giving her a ride home. I came early and went into the building. Staff knew me because my mother had worked there for over 20 years. Half of these people were at my sister’s wedding, and years later at my wedding. But I was caught off-guard when a man of about 35-40 approached me and said, “I’m your mother’s work son; I guess that makes us siblings.” Excuse me. What did you say? I had no idea who this “guy” was. Never saw him and never heard my mother speak of him before that moment. I guess I looked shocked as I was, because he explained that he was going through a “rough patch” in life and my mother gave him “the best advice. I go to her for everything.” There are very few positions in life that are mine and mine alone: I am my sister’s only sibling. I am my parents’ youngest child. I am my children’s mother. These are positions I was born into. This fellow was not born into my family, and I didn’t want to share my title with him. The position of sibling and other “child” of my mother is already filled. I have one partner with that position, and she lives in Baltimore. No one else “need apply.”

You can tell Avi that you’re uncomfortable with the term “work wife,” but as you said, you’re not engaged yet. Avi may find your comment and request for him to stop using it to be a little forward or presumptuous. If it was me, I’d hold off asking until I knew I was going to marry Avi.

It’s an innocent term, but I can see how it can ruffle some peoples’ feathers. The question I have for you is: Do you trust Avi? If you do, then there is nothing to worry about, “for many reasons.” Trusting his assistant is a different story. You haven’t met her yet, you don’t know her, and the only fact you do know is that Avi refers to her as his work wife. Avi probably puts in more than the 40-hour work week. He sees his co-workers and his assistant more than he sees his family. I’m sure once you meet his assistant, you’ll realize you were worried over nothing. But it still nudges you, the title of “work wife.” You still want to be the only one with the “wife” title. Try not to be too uptight about it. It’s really an innocent term.

But if you really want to go ahead and say something because it bothers you that much (which I do not recommend), you should not “lay down the law” and tell him to stop it. He may react negatively and think that “if this is what she’s like now...” If it were me, and I wanted to say something, I’d play it light, “I waited so long to be a wife, I don’t want to share the title I’ve said phrases like that when it comes to being a parent and wife. “I waited long enough to be a mother, that I don’t mind ______” Fill in the blank. See how that works.

Hatzlachah to you all.


Goldy Krantz  is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..