Usually, I have two or three columns ready ahead of time, and I send them in as the weeks pass. I write when a topic/idea comes to me or when I’m in the mood. This way, I’m never left with a deadline in two hours and nothing to hand in. And yes, I was the girl in grad school who handed in her term papers a week early. I completed them; who knows if my printer would conk out next week or the file would accidentally be erased. I wanted the term paper turned in, so I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I mention this now because I am breaking into my collections of yet to be published articles to publish this one as it deals with Chanukah and Chanukah is still somewhat fresh in our minds.
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Dear Goldy:
I know never to look a gift horse in the mouth, and I never have, but at my family’s Chanukah party, I couldn’t help myself.
Two of my aunts decided to “help” me find a husband and paid for a year’s membership to a Dating website as a Chanukah present. And to make matters worse, they spoke to me about it as they gave me the envelope in front of my other cousins. I’m 31 – not over the hill or desperate in any way. My other single cousin’s a little younger than me, didn’t get the same present as I did. It was either gift cards or plain out cash.
I didn’t yell or scream. I just walked away with envelope in hand. My sister saw I was upset and asked what happened. I told her. She said I should tell them to stay out of my business and the best way they can help, if they want to, is to set me up, not sign me up. I wondered if their families knew what they were getting Penina? Were all my cousins in on this? It’s so embarrassing.
I pulled my aunts to the corner and basically told them what my sister said. In all my dating years, they have only tried once or twice to redt me a shidduch. I don’t blame them because they don’t know anyone who fits the type I’m looking for. That’s fine. But I told them the gift was insulting, no matter how well meant it was supposed to be. I feel like this is them saying, I can’t find a guy, so they have signed me up for a chance to meet dozens of guys who could be the one. Don’t they think I’ve joined some of these sites? One aunt said that my mother told them I hadn’t joined this website and maybe this was the one... Wait, did my mother know I was going to get this gift and allow me to be blind sighted and not discourage them from doing this? No. I was told that a few weeks ago one aunt was talking to my mother in general about me dating and if I joined different sites. My mother wasn’t very forthcoming with information, but instead of taking that to mean it’s none of their business, they took it to mean, we better help her fast! I told them I was insulted with the gift and very kindly gave their gift back. They were shocked. Why? Did they think I would kiss them for this gift, as if I am so hard up for a date the only way for me to find one is to join a website, this particular website? I told them I keep my dating life private, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t go out. I told them, they’ll know when there’s something to know about. And my immediate family knows I want my privacy with dating. These aunts may talk freely about their kids and the shidduch issues or dates, but my parents know not to do that when it comes to me.
I’m so proud that I said something and returned the gift, and I’m so disappointed in my aunts.
Penina
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Thank you for your email, Penina.
As the saying goes: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Your aunts’ hearts were in the right place, but this is a very sensitive topic for some, and they should have asked your mother about it, if not you. Then they would have known this is an area that is to remain off limits for you.
You are correct, just because you or your parents don’t speak about your dates doesn’t mean you don’t go out or need help in that domain. I was very private when I was dating. Only my parents and sister knew if I was seriously dating. The week before I was going to get engaged, my mother told me that a cousin I’m close to was planning a trip for the exact time I would be having my l’chayim. Of course, I wanted her here to celebrate with me. I called her and asked her to postpone her trip. She asked if there was a reason – especially because she hadn’t told me she was going away, she had only told my mother at that point in time. I told her there was a reason, but I wasn’t going to tell her yet, but she would find out soon. That was it. That was the whole conversation. She rescheduled her trip. I was 31 and up until that point I had never discussed dating with her. Yes, she knew my cute stories, but I kept everything else close to the vest.
People want to help where they think help is needed, no matter if it was asked for or not. For all your aunts knew, you could have been dating someone and there was no need for their gift, which you would have returned anyway. Like I said, I do think their hearts were in the right place, but this should have been discussed with your mother at least. For you to say that your other single cousins received cash and gift cards makes this even worse. Did they think you were desperate? Did they tell their children, spouses, Bubby, Zeidy... about their gift idea? No. I don’t like this one bit. You hit the nail on the head, if they want to help, they should set you up, not sign you up. But like you wrote, you are looking for a specific type of fellow and apparently, they don’t know the type. But that should mean nothing. One plus one doesn’t equal two in this situation.
In my opinion, you did the right thing. You pulled your aunts to the side and returned the gift. No angry words were exchanged. It was a “no, thank you” to what they should have first asked someone in your immediate family about. Maybe they wanted to be the cool hip aunts that “understand” dating is hard and this is their way of showing support. But this is something very personal to you that offended you. You are entitled to your feelings.
I hope they were able to get their money back, or pass the membership along to someone else, and I hope you received cash in its place, Lol.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
