What do you do when you collide with an annoying person? All positions for annoying people in my life have been filled. Applicants need not apply, thank you. Do you secretly call them disturbed or disordered? Truth be told, most of what is misaligned and off-center within us and others is simple immaturity.
We are easily offended. We sulk, or rage at the world, while remaining underdeveloped in so many areas. If anger were an Olympic sport, would you have a gold medal in grudge-holding? “What is anger?” you ask. Anger: The feeling you get when someone takes the last slice of pizza without asking.
But sincerely, what best explains why living with yourself or others can prove to be so challenging? Do you have self-worth?
If you answered “yes,” then guess what? You should be able to take criticism. You would be able to bear friends or family disagreeing with you. You would be capable of sharing your vulnerable and soft side with those whom you trust. Perhaps, however, you are arrogant or defensive in an attempt to mask your fragile ego. Your ego is not your amigo.
If we are able to trust, then we can freely teach our loved ones what we need or think at any given moment. Do you worry that because others in your past let you down, that some will do the same to you now, or in the near future? Is your temper like a rubber band – usually flexible, but sometimes it just snaps?
Indeed, it is a flaw in our human makeup that we cannot truly value ourselves until and unless we have been deeply esteemed and appreciated by someone else. If we were loved well, we internalize a positive self-image and slowly acquire the tools to care for ourselves and our loved ones.
The outside world may remain unsympathetic and even unkind. You may feel angered.
But remember that anger is like a thorn in your foot. You may be able to walk, but you’ll never forget it’s there. Yet you hear those caring and compassionate voices in your head from your loved ones and you can learn to speak to yourself that way. The gift of a loving childhood allows us to trust others. We can also establish positive relationships with teachers or others in our formative years. And you know what they say: Never have more children than you have car windows. Oh, and anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead should try talking to a child at bedtime.
But seriously, are you excessively fiery at times? Heated emotions are the emotional equivalent of a microwave. They heat up quickly and explode unexpectedly. Speaking of which, please tell me, microwave oven: Why my plate is so hot and my food is so cold? You know that school and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes. But I digress…
Do you have a protective layer over your ego? Is there someone in your life on your side, who will always listen and try to help? If you understand and have explored your past, you may learn what happened, and why. It helps inordinately to commune with others who may have suffered similar hurts or wounds in childhood.
Your present relationships need to be with people who can love you properly now. You are an entirely precious person, worthy of appreciation, sweet friends. Do you sometimes wonder why he can feel better about you than you even feel about yourself?
We need to examine the ways in which we may engage in self-sabotage. Your destiny need not lie in suffering or stress. You deserve fulfillment and contentment. Think highly of your life. Show mercy toward yourself and others please.
What degree of virtue have you accrued in your life? You are permitted to feel pessimistic at times, but you are truly connected to everything in this universe. Look deeply into the nature of things. Much of our suffering comes from an overeager attachment to things. Does she have more money than you? Heck, I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford. You know what they say: Never lend money to a friend. It’s dangerous. It could damage his memory. But truly, does he seem to get more respect than you? Cease to identify your happiness with getting all you want.
You may not be equally present to all parts of yourself. We want our friends to be well disposed to our vulnerabilities. We wish our loved ones or friends would allow us to be sad at times or be overwhelmed with worry. Do you have permission to be fragile?
Life is precious, sweet friends. Don’t presume you will have it tomorrow. It’s been said: You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
