Many of us share a powerful instinct to try to please others and look good in their eyes. You may find yourself agreeing with his views or her choices. He loves golf. Oh yes, so do you. He is voting for this or that candidate, and all of a sudden, so are you. And you know what they say: George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles. Then again, it’s been said: If voting made any difference, they wouldn’t let us do it.
Perhaps you think that in order to feel total attachment and alignment with her, there must be total agreement. But what if she is also adjusting her “true” self to fit in with what she assumes are your leanings and likings?
Some misleading ideas about who you really are become inevitable if you are obsessed with the will to please. After some time, the consequence of our mistaken expectations is revealed. Sometimes, our friendship goes through stages of disillusionment and disappointment. Other times, we may have a rude awakening. Oh dear, love is not what it was cracked up to be.
Do not resign yourself to never having the kind of closeness you want. Do not pretend that you do not have certain needs. Dare to be more real from the start of your relationship. If he rejects you, that’s fine. It will save you a lot of heartache in the future, sweet friends.
Accept that your eccentric side is still a bit reasonable and so is his. The trick is not to let people know how weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.
Arm yourself with honesty and present yourself to her without defensiveness. Every one of us has something difficult about our character, do we not? We humans are quite complicated, complex, and even confusing at times.
None of us exists without significant oddities and anomalies. A shiny surface is not a true picture of who you truly are, sweet friends. Dare to share the complicated side of you if you want true intimacy.
Let him know what you want and how you feel. Please communicate clearly and honestly. Do not pretend that you don’t care and then build up resentment toward her. Don’t say that things are “okay” when they are clearly not. Explain instead of exploding.
People do hurt us a great deal, but sometimes inadvertently. Perhaps when you were a child, you weren’t allowed to get things off your chest. Maybe you felt as though you had to walk on eggshells to avoid anger or rage. And you know what they say: Spend too much time walking on eggshells, and the omelet never gets done.
It may be that you thought your parent was too fragile, so you felt the need to protect them from some truths or feelings. Then again, your parent may have been perennially busy and preoccupied to notice you much.
Remind yourself that you are stronger now. Your friends and loved ones need to know what hurts in order to fix it. If they choose not to, sadly you can walk away. And don’t you truly want to know what matters to her? I know: You just want to feel wanted by someone other than the police. Sure, you may feel disliked for the moment after a confrontation, but we all deserve to be heard.
Do tell yourself things that you deserve to hear, like: “It will be okay.” You are lovable even if you are imperfect. Know this, however: Expressing yourself honestly may not prove to be acceptable to him. We tend to feel wounded by brutal honesty.
Make certain that you are not offensive, please. He may be in quite a different place internally than you are. She may not find that “joke” funny at all. Provide reassurance and affirmation when you can. We are all painfully vulnerable, sweet friends. Your loved ones have a huge capacity to hurt you.
Remember that we are all in need of kindness. You may not be able to make things better for a huge number of people, but you can certainly make a difference in the lives of a few humans.
Believe it or not, you can make someone’s day by just stopping for a moment and chatting about the weather. Weather forecast for today: Hot, with a 99% chance of me avoiding any form of physical activity. Sheesh. Well, if you bump into me, there’s a 100% chance of me telling you the forecast.
So, what are you emotionally hungry for? How do you spread love and compassion in this world? What is the one thing you can never get enough of or give enough of? Love, my friends: Love.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
