If I ask you about childhood trauma, you may readily think of children who were physically abused. But what if that child was berated, put down, or even mocked on a regular basis? This may actually be more prevalent and is equally, if not at times, even more injurious to the child.
If you were taunted or shouted at often, you will surely have a wound, sweet friends. Perhaps you were neglected, overlooked or even disregarded. As an adult, you may very well feel subtly ignored if you attend a social event and no one welcomes you or even offers you a smile.
Have you ever been at a meal, and no one even noticed that you looked sad or sorrowful? Speaking of meals, if you lost your appetite today, I think I have it. Just once, I wish I could flip over a package of food and the serving size would read: “However much you feel like eating.” But truly, maybe your friend or partner always finds something else to do other than spend some time with you.
Does anyone in your life call you by a term of endearment? Did they give you an affectionate nickname? If you can’t remember my name, just say “Chocolate” and I’ll turn around. Listen, chocolate is vital for our survival. Dinosaurs didn’t have chocolate – and look what happened to them. Have you ever used someone’s nickname so much that you almost forget their real name?
Remember that neglect and inattention are invisible behaviors, making it that much more devious and pernicious. If you are on the receiving end of indifference, you may begin to feel like a non-existent thing. You felt like shouting: “I exist” while no one even turned around when you entered the room.
None of us wish to entertain the idea that our parents or loved ones are uncaring, insensitive or even callous at times. Your friend may be highly charming in his professional sphere. Your best friend might be quite charming to everyone else at the social gathering. Yet you might still be received with apathy or even inconsideration at times.
You hurt the one you love, fearing that they will end up causing you pain, so you go about hurting them first. Perhaps you fear intimacy or losing control. You may feel so uninhibited with her that you lose all boundaries and feel free to say those spontaneous hurtful comments.
As times go on, we do not monitor our behavior any longer and oftentimes test the boundaries of the relationship way too much. Of course, you step on his toes or harass him more often, because guess what? He’s around you the most. We tend to act out our feelings on the ones closest to us. Who gets the brunt of it when you come home in a bad mood?
On the surface, you may experience an intense desire to please others, but deep within yourself you may be self-loathing. To numb those feelings, you may develop calming addictions such as drinking, overeating, gambling, shopping, or an obsession with social media. Then again, food is the unofficial sixth love language. I know. Your ‘Save for later cart’ in Amazon is currently up to about 1.2 million. Yikes.
You might try to keep yourself from constant encounters with those feelings of self-hatred or insecurity. Your past traumas, stress, and suffering may not be obvious to you, yet they are significant nevertheless.
Many of us failed to receive the kind of love that makes us feel stable and strong. You became afraid to be genuine and authentic and do not even feel deserving at times. You may desperately wish to be heard or have him acknowledge your feelings. You want her to lend legitimacy to your anxiety, or your stressful work situation.
Please learn how to validate, sweet friends. Say to her: “I can see that you may be overwhelmed at this time. It must be very distressing for you; ‘I know you seem unusually sad. It seems like it’s simply been too much for you lately. I acknowledge that.”
True love and care involve reflecting her moods back to her rather than trying to push them away. The feelings you drive away may be too upsetting. Do you think that acknowledging emotions makes them worse than they really are?
The truth is that once we have been heard, we become far less inclined to give in to our negative emotions. We come to be less angry once our frustration is actually recognized. You may become less miserable, moody, or mournful if you are listened to and identified with.
Do you want to lift her mood? Play her feelings back to her. Are you the one who asks how he is – and actually waits to hear the answer? Remember, sweet friends, that there is rarely such a thing as listening too much.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
