Do you find yourself repeating dynamics that go in the wrong direction in your life? Do you notice identical patterns of behavior at work or at home? Perhaps you sabotage yourself at work, fearing that others will do it before you. Speaking of work, there’s a new rule: You’re not allowed to work longer than the number of hours you slept the night before.
Are you friends with someone who is so self-involved that they rarely recognize or listen to you? Then again, no need for deep conversation. Just be fluent in emoji and Internet slang. You may be drawn to emotionally unavailable people who simply cannot love you back. Sometimes our stories seem to end in pain, sadness, or even loss.
If you did not liberate yourself from an unfulfilling childhood, you may play out the same scenario in adulthood. By the way, is your favorite childhood memory not having to decide what to cook for dinner every night? I get it. Then again, perhaps your favorite childhood memory is thinking that $100 is a lot of money.
But seriously, specific kinds of pain may seem familiar, actually. Please examine your choices, sweet friends. Do not replay the betrayal from long ago. You may have needed someone’s love so badly in the past that you keep choosing unavailable friends in the present. Needless to say, you don’t want to feel these painful feelings in the present.
Of course there are many strategies for regulating your emotions. What forms your feelings to begin with? First and foremost, you enter a situation. You then evaluate and oftentimes pass judgment about it. That will impact how you think, feel, and ultimately how you behave.
If you wish to change your emotion, you must consciously intervene at one point along the way. How, you ask. Well, you can simply avoid some situations that may cause you undue distress. Last year, you joined a support group for anti-social people but they just haven’t met yet? Listen, I have a very active anti-social life.
But truly, you can attend but shift your attention to someone or something else. Take the time to re-evaluate some situations in your life. Learn to not give others so much power over you. Care less what others think of you.
Temper your emotional response to things, sweet friends. Take a long walk or talk to a trusted friend when you notice your feelings are too hard to regulate. You know what they say: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single blister. I know: Your favorite walk is from your bed to the refrigerator. And heck, walking should be your favorite method of transportation, because it’s the only way to get from point A to point B without having to parallel park. But honestly, make your favorite Wi-Fi network the great outdoors.
And remember: No emotion is inherently good or bad, but it can certainly be helpful or harmful in a given situation.
Take your feelings as they come and do not fixate too much on always being happy. You may end up disappointed that you are not always in a good mood. Accept your sadness but cultivate hope that things will get better.
Do you have a stable sense of what you are worth? Do you have a secure hold on your own beliefs and values? If you know who you truly are, you will have a much easier time coping with others’ bad mouthing or berating. Do not swallow his unkind verdict of you.
You are not helpless before the court of public opinion, sweet friends. If you find yourself unnaturally hungry for external acclaim and approval, seek inside of yourself, please. Check your inner barometer to see what you truly want or value in life.
Do you feel genuinely known by anyone? Seek out a devoted, dedicated, loyal friend who can help you learn to take your own side. You can begin to trust yourself more than the crowd. Above all, befriend yourself.
It’s been said: The best things in life are the people we love, the places we’ve been, and the memories we’ve made along the way.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
