Are you hungry right now? Not for pizza or a burrito, but for emotional connection? Listen, an easy way to make a salad taste better is to add nuts, fruit, or an entire burrito. You know what they say: Fries or salad? Sums up every adult decision you’ll ever have to make.
Do you rely on someone else or even something else to fill that empty void inside of you? If you are too needy, you may actually be draining and depleting the one you need so desperately.
Desperation and approval-seeking are not the same as true love, sweet friends. If you keep conforming and conditioning yourself only to what he wants or needs, you may be confusing your urgency for genuine love. If you always make yourself available to her, even at a great cost to yourself, you may be giving too much of yourself. Yes, that is possible.
Do you seek validation through social status? Please look inward instead and establish boundaries with your loved ones. Be alone sometimes and learn to meet some of your emotional needs yourself.
If you require constant attention and affection, your friends may end up feeling suffocated in the end. Don’t latch onto others or be too clingy. Satisfy your needs through self-reflection and cultivating positive self-image.
Perhaps you were emotionally neglected as a child. You may have felt ignored or unnoticed. Although this insidious behavior is invisible, it can be as bad a physical trauma, my friends. An injury done by one’s own parents is unthinkable. Thus, the child blames herself and feels utterly bad or lacking.
Speaking of children, I’m going to open a restaurant called “Peace and Quiet,” where kids’ meals are $250. Heck, I put my symptoms into WebMD; turns out I just have kids. Just kidding. But truly, if you failed to receive the kind of love that makes you feel deserving, give yourself grace. Please do not become desperate for someone else to complete you.
We all respond to what happened to us in our past. We have wounds. Are you an under-achiever or an over-achiever? Do you crave social prestige? What happened to you is not a reflection of who you are. The pain and hurt were undeserved.
How do we fix that little broken person within us? Develop the power to accept what you cannot change. As an adult, you do not have to dramatically overreact to things. Shed the impulse to explode or to stuff your feelings. Your wounds were inflicted by one specific person, so please do not generalize about all people.
Do not use the ones who hurt or betrayed you as a template for interpreting others in the world. You were once at the mercy of others, but no longer. If you feel loved, you can relax within yourself; but if love is in a restricted supply, you may redouble your efforts to ingratiate yourself with others.
If you were unkindly treated, you may turn on yourself or simply become hardened and cynical. You may doubt yourself and not understand the lack of affection. Your feelings of shame or rage have their origins. Do not internalize those early depravations.
Please connect to your heart space and talk to your inner child. Create a more positive perception of yourself, sweet friends. Look at a picture of yourself as a child and see her innocence. Then again, I don’t know why people say having a dog prepares you for having a kid. Because my dog has never wanted to watch Frozen 45 days in a row.
But seriously, how do the negative feelings show up in your life? Do you isolate, block intimacy, or withhold your feelings out of fear? Remind yourself that what happened to you was not your fault. Catch your negative self-statements and replace them, please. Your brain is designed to keep you safe, but not to run from genuine love.
Above all, give thanks for the love in your life. You won’t find a happy ungrateful person. While you’re being compassionate, don’t forget to include yourself.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
