Rudy Giuliani is being sued for defamation by Smartmatic Voting Company and Dominion Voting Systems for over one billion dollars because of his claims that their machines were used as part of the fraud to steal the election away from Trump.

Rudy’s first defense is that no person should have reasonably believed him because they saw his cameo in the movie Borat 2. Then Giuliani argued that the statements were made in a political speech. “You can say whatever you want in a speech. It’s not like I said you should shave Ivanka’s (Trump) head.”

While being interviewed on Mink News, whose slogan is “Facts don’t matter, only ratings do,” noted first amendment lawyer Amen Dashowitz said that Giuliani must come up with a better defense. Rudy needs to prove that his allegations are true, or convince a jury of deplorables that they have to be correct. 

A PAC (Political Action Committee) named Friends, Advocates, and Republicans for Trump was set up by Missouri Senator Josh (the fist salute) Hee-Haw to help raise funds for Rudy’s defense.

They hired the two most prominent private investigators in the country. The first one was My Sharona, who had a knack of finding things that no one else could. The second was “The Buggies,” whose expertise was in locating and examining videos. Their slogan was “Video killed the Radio Star.”

My Sharona’s hunch was that this smelled like a Russian-State-sponsored operation. The Russians were upset because Trump had been the toughest American president toward Russia since the founding of America. This includes the period during the time of the Czars, the USSR, and now democratic Russia. The Kremlin wanted to make sure that the candidate that they wanted would win the 2020 presidential election just like the 2016 election.

Ms. Sharona found out about a top-secret plan approved by Russian President Vladimir Putin to train animals to engage in espionage and other conduct to help further Russia’s interests. The Kremlin had been embarrassed because agents had defected or otherwise had been seen engaging in illegal conduct on behalf of Russia. It looked bad to have to kill defecting agents. Animals do not defect, and they cannot provide any information. Also, the right animal will not look suspicious and can go into spaces that a person is unable to. It is easier to camouflage a small animal than a person.

Their lab, code-name KAOS, tried various animals with little success. They came up with the idea of testing an animal whose name is synonymous with testing: the guinea pig. To their surprise, two of the pigs were very adept and were good learners. The two pigs were Vladimir (code name: Chestnut) and Putin (code name: Oreo). Their first assignment was to go to a target’s home with clear debilitating cream on their fur. When the target would pet them, the cream would take effect. It worked perfectly.

The guinea pigs were brought into the United States from Moscow in October 2020 under the guise of being service animals. My Sharona learned that the animals had returned to Russia right after the votes were counted. She had a hunch that Chestnut and Oreo had been in America to help Biden win the election. She asked The Buggies to try to find video with Chestnut and Oreo. The Buggies started looking on the internet because all videos that are found there are authentic.

The Buggies saw videos of rodents running around voting machines in Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Nevada. The Russians picked the counties in each state which were democratic strongholds. It would not look too suspicious if Biden won by a high percentage in these counties since it was expected that he would win.  Furthermore, it was not unusual to see so many rodents since, according to Kentucky Senator Also Ran Paul, Democratic run cities have a higher percentage of rodents than Republican cities because they have an open rat policy.  Upon closer examination, the Buggies noticed that two of the rodents had miniature screwdrivers in their mouths. The machines can be tampered, and votes could be changed by using a screwdriver. Also, these guinea pigs were wearing camouflage, which was unusual. It was the same two rodents in all the states.

Amazingly for the machines in Fulton County, Georgia, there was video showing Chestnut and Oreo changing 5,901 votes from Trump to Biden. This was the number of votes necessary to flip the state to Biden.

The investigators presented their findings including the video to Giuliani and he was ecstatic. The problem for Rudy was that no one else believed them. People thought that the video was doctored. For example, Georgia Representative Mahjong Taylor Red said that “If you had told me that Jewish laser beams had come from outer space and zapped the machines to change the results, I would have believed you. But rodents with screwdrivers is too bizarre even for me.” Texas Senator Ted Cancun Cruise said that “If you had claimed that it was the Chinese who did it, I would have believed you.” Trump said, “I spoke with President Putin. He was emphatic that Russia had nothing to do with it. I have no reason to doubt him.”

Portions of this column were leaked before it was published. Martian R. Green sent a letter to the editor of the Queens Jewish Missing Link complaining that Warren Hecht is making fun of Donald Trump, the greatest leader in the history of civilization and the actual 46th President. “Everyone knows that Trump won 155 million votes to 1 vote for Biden which was cast by the leader of ANTIFA, Warren Hecht,” he wrote.

As crazy as this article sounds, unfortunately, there are many people who believe conspiracy theories that are just as bizarre. Have a Happy Purim.

Warren S. Hecht is a local attorney. He can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.