Do you get defensive in your friendships and love relationships? What triggers that response from you? Is it inescapable to be on the defensive at times? Did you stumble upon a part of his character that drives you bats? Let’s be honest. We all have annoying habits and at times we release overwhelming degrees of frustration to our loved ones. Sure, you’d love to put some people on mute. I get it. Yet if you venture to air your grievances, he may get upset and even angry.
Do you believe in: Annoyed at first sight? What aggravates you? I get very annoyed when people mix up there, their, and they’re. From now on, I’m going two point it out whether they like it or not.
If you imply that she is imperfect, she may become sad and sorrowful. But is being prone to error so deeply contrary to the spirit of true love? We all cry to be loved for who we are, but do you even know all parts of yourself? Have you met the self-centered or annoying part yet?
I know. You will stop being so irritable when people stop being so irritating? Sheesh.
Perhaps you should strive to be accepted and loved for who you hope to be with enough inner work and self-awareness. Indeed, there is a lot of goodness in you, but has it been realized yet?
If you truly seek the best version of yourself, not only should you not shun her feedback, you should welcome it.
By lovingly pointing out a fault or flaw, perhaps he can teach you a few things about who you may wish to become some day. Take on board the notion that underneath all your defensiveness there lies a fear of being embarrassed or possibly even rejected. Do something awesome; no one sees it. Do something embarrassing? Everyone sees it. Please learn to accept kind criticism with grace, sweet friends. You are worthy of love, as imperfect as you are.
If you are so defensive that he never has a chance to air his frustrations, you will never know true love. True friendship is resilient enough to handle honesty, provided you do so gently.
If he refuses to process or even acknowledge his underlying concerns, your relationship will be undermined. Do not always give in to your touchiness or hypersensitivities. Practice listening to her criticism without getting cagey and protective. Allow him to respectfully share that critical remark without automatically justifying your behavior.
Do you not want to know if there is actually broccoli in your teeth? I know. You used to eat a lot of “natural” foods until you realized that most people die of “natural” causes. Did she just toss a breath mint into your mouth while you were talking? Who will break it to you if you forgot to use mouthwash today? Then again, it’s been said: You are what you eat. For example, if you eat garlic, you’re apt to be a hermit.
Remember, sweet friends, you are not on the debate team. You might wish to feel right all of the time and feel vindicated if you “won” that argument. That is hardly the point of friendship or love relationships.
What is the point of “winning” if the only prize you get is smug loneliness? Speaking of winning, if I win the lottery tonight, I’m going to fill my car all the way up with gas.
But truly, the true goal is to help each other evolve and blossom into the best ideal self they can be. Observing and pointing out his faults takes tact and humanity. By verbally berating her, you actually reduce the chance of her ever becoming transformed or even more mature.
It isn’t the actual accusation that makes us defend ourselves to the death. After all, we may even know many of our weaknesses and blemishes. We all have pre-existing fragility inside ourselves. So do not deliver criticism severely, please. Don’t create a storm, and then get upset when it rains. The light of truth does not have to be shown directly into her eyes.
It is hard to admit to your failings. But how else can you reform yourself, my friends? You can tell the truth but protect his vulnerability. Do not use her faults as a weapon. If she admits how broken she is, please be loving and kind. Apply layers and layers of compassion and comfort.
It’s been said: When you are kind to others, it not only changes you; it changes the world.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
