Summer workshops are in full swing for the Couples Division of Emet Outreach. The latest installment of the monthly relationship-oriented lectures was held at the Young Israel of Jamaica Estates. A crowd comprised of newlyweds to those married for over a decade shared an eagerness to learn about the straightforward topic, “Marriage: It Doesn’t Have to Be So Tough.”
After couples socialized while enjoying a delicious buffet, Rabbi Nissim Musheyev, Emet Community Development Director, set the tone for the evening. He relayed that, in marriage a couple is constantly growing and it is always necessary to invest time in strengthening the connection with your spouse. He then introduced Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier, popular speaker and author of “The 10 Really Dumb Mistakes Very Smart Couples Make: A Torah-Based Guide to a Successful Marriage.” Rabbi Shafier immediately captivated the room by evoking the feelings of hope and simchah couples had at their wedding. He explained that according to Chazal one of the Sheva Brachot recited under the chupah actually provides the definition of marriage. “Sameach TeSamach Re’im Ahuvim,” can be understood to mean that a husband and wife should be “happy and joyful best friends who love each other.” The challenge, he said, is how to remain best friends who love each other in the “heavy traffic of life.”
In his direct and no-nonsense style, Rabbi Shafier shared many observations and practical tips.
He said that there are three pillars to a successful marriage: commitment, love, and learning to live together. The commitment to work on a marriage comes with the understanding that Hashem doesn’t make mistakes and when a couple is matched by Hashem it is because they are perfect for one another. Love is central on a daily basis, but living together poses the greatest challenge. Rabbi Shafier noted that in order to live together there needs to be a friendship and there are four rules of friendship. The first rule is that a couple should be equal partners, and neither person is the “boss.” The second aspect is that a husband and wife are not responsible for the spiritual level of their spouse. The third factor is that spouses must always take each other’s side before anyone else’s. The final rule is showing forgiveness by understanding that we are all imperfect as people.
A lively Q&A session followed when Rabbi Shafier was joined by Rabbi Akiva Rutenberg, Emet’s Co-Founder and Director. Rabbi Rutenberg, who is also a licensed clinical social worker with a specialty in couples counseling, explained that shalom bayis is a work in progress. In order to create a peaceful home and be a role model for children, a couple has to not only work on their relationship but also work on themselves as individuals. One of the strongest takeaways was the need to listen to one another, since the most important thing a spouse wants is to feel understood.
The evening ended with couples eagerly anticipating the next workshop. “Working on your relationship with your spouse opens more opportunities to develop other key relationships with parents, siblings and coworkers,” Rena and Manny Zavulunov said. “We also learned that it’s important for us to work on ourselves. This is a workshop every couple should attend no matter how long they have been married.”
