Bikur Cholim of Queens featured Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker on Sunday night, December 8, at Congregation Ahavas Yisroel. Community women gathered to hear an inspiring shiur on the attitude of gratitude during challenging times and during wartime.

Mrs. Schoonmaker shared that we learn from Chazal that visiting the sick takes away one-sixtieth of their suffering. When a visitor cares and tries to understand what the choleh is experiencing, the choleh feels that and it helps them. It’s a mindset of understanding others. In Israel recently, a woman who works as a podiatrist decided to help soldiers. Many of them had not removed their boots for days and needed her skills and expertise to heal their feet. She suggested we think about how we can use our skills and talents to make things better for someone else. When we give our heart, it makes things easier for the other person.

She then defined hakaras ha’tov. It means recognizing the good. It means recognizing good that is way beyond gratitude. During wartime, with so many tragedies, it isn’t easy to feel hakaras ha’tov, but in fact Hashem is doing miracles for us. She pointed out for example the miracle of finding Sinwar. Also, all the missiles launched at Israel by Iran were deflected.

She said that she feels that we should ask Hashem to forgive us for not being appreciative enough. Hashem is performing revealed miracles for us.

She shared the concept that our heart is compared to the Aron Kodesh, which held the original broken Luchos as well as the replacement whole ones. It’s distinctly human to be able to hold both the pain and the gratitude at the same time. A mother of a fallen soldier shared how this idea of the broken Luchos and the whole ones being together in the Aron Kodesh helped her.

Mrs. Schoonmaker noted how the mal’achim wanted to sing when the Egyptians were drowning, and Hashem said that they shouldn’t sing when “His children” were drowning. Yet, Hashem allowed Moshe to sing, and we recite his shirah every morning. Mal’achim cannot multi-task, and this is the same on the emotional level. A mal’ach can only hold one emotion at a time. Humans can hold more than one emotion and that is our job. She shared how DBT therapy is about seeing two sides of something.

“It is distinctly human and distinctly Jewish to feel gratitude and pain at the same time. War-time gratitude is necessary.” When alongside the pain we see beautiful things happening, this gives us chizuk to keep going.

She related how, in Eretz Yisrael, some of the people who lost loved ones have bumpers stickers with their name and a quote from them. She tries to always stop and read the bumpers sticker to give that individual proper respect. She saw the following quote from Uriah Mash, an IDF soldier killed in the war:

“Hakaras ha’tov is when you can appreciate things done for you by others and then this helps you recognize the tov inside of you.” She elaborated on this. You see goodness in you, and it makes you want to share that goodness with others. It’s three steps. First, notice the good, then feel you are good, and then desire to impart that good to the world.

When you perform bikur cholim, it plants a desire in you to keep on giving over the good. Our desire to do good is deep inside of us. Rav Hutner taught that one of the nicest ways to do something for someone who was niftar is to perform hakaras ha’tov. He taught that after someone dies, he has a burning desire to show gratitude for all the good performed for him during his lifetime, and he can no longer express this. So, working on this midah is a z’chus for those who are niftar.

         

She then spoke about the difficult aspect of this midah. There can be an inverse relationship where the more we do, the less that people appreciate what we do.

She gave the example of Dasan. According to the Midrash, he was the Jew whom Moshe saved when an Egyptian was striking him. Right after that incident, Moshe sees two Jews fighting and they are Dasan and Aviram. When Moshe asks why are you hurting a fellow Jew, Dasan says: Will you kill me like you killed the Mitzri? The Midrash says that Dasan – the person Moshe saved – let it be known what Moshe did. So, instead of hakaras ha’tov, he did evil to Moshe.

She noted that we do a lot for our children. When we criticize a child, then their hakaras ha’tov goes away. On the other hand, sometimes we are not appreciative to those who give us so much like our parents, our bosses, our in-laws, etc. It’s a paradox that the people we owe the most to are the most difficult to thank. She spoke about the reasons for this. One reason is the complex giver. This is where the giver doesn’t give in a clean way. Sometimes the giver is a difficult person.

Sometimes you need to set up boundaries, but you can’t throw away the kernel of giving. In other words, the bad doesn’t “X” out the good. This is good news for us on Rosh HaShanah.

The Mission of a Bikur Cholim group is to provide compassionate support to those facing medical difficulties. It strives to alleviate burdens, foster hope, and promote healing.

For over 40 years, Bikur Cholim of Queens (BCQ) has been dedicated to servicing the greater Queens Jewish community. BCQ is solely comprised of volunteers who graciously and discreetly give their time and energy to help those cholim in need. To donate or to join our amazing team, please go to our website: bikurcholimqueens.org.

BCQ is here for you!

 By Susie Garber