Sunday night, on the eve of Tu B’Av, Let’s Get Real with Coach Menachem hosted a virtual shiur on dating challenges and commitment.
First, Coach Menachem Bernfeld shared that Tu B’Av is a time to daven for shidduchim. People say it’s a miracle when a shidduch happens, and it is. Whatever we do, we have to rely on Hashem. We see that we have to rely on Hashem for shidduchim. So, why put in so much work? We do have to exert effort. The effort becomes hard. What can I do? We have to remember that, at the end of the day, we have to rely on Hashem.
Rabbi Moshe Pogrow, Founder of the NASI Project (North American Shidduch Initiative), spoke first. He shared that when you have a driver’s permit, that doesn’t mean you are ready to drive on your own. You need “driver’s ed.” Yet when it comes to shidduchim, we decide that our kids are ready and we tell them to start dating.
The NASI Project advocates for singles. We deal with singles who don’t have a lot of dating opportunities. We want them to have the best support for their dating opportunities. Skilled dating coaches guide people through the process. Every single needs to go into shidduchim well prepared. He shared that NASI has “driver’s ed for shidduchim” audios. These audios help teach singles when to share, and what to share, and how to share. These are the types of areas they address. He noted that singles who are well prepared experience a smoother shidduch process and a more wholesome engagement. This leads to a better marriage.
Mrs. Chana Rivka Jacobs, dating coach, shared that the majority of her clientele are aged from 28 to the high-40s. She said that we have found that people in this age group tend to have one, two, or maybe three dates with someone and then they are done. “It was very challenging to get them to the finish line. When you get to know these wonderful people, who are very accomplished, very personable, and intelligent, we found their method of dating was cerebral. They dated with their head as opposed to their heart. It is important, she taught, to use your brain to begin with, of course, and to make sure midos are what you were told. Once you’re done with that, it’s time to send your brain on a one-way trip to Aruba. These are people who became successful by using their brain. Now we are asking them to make decisions based on emotion.
“They are used to making decisions based on critical thinking. They are navigating new fields in a way they never did before. They literally need their hand tobe held held, to reassure them. They need guidance on how to remove stressors and to help them figure out what is important and what’s not important and to show them positive thinking as opposed to their natural go-to negative thinking, which involves picking out all the negatives.
“I also show them how to not focus on “Can I marry this person?” You don’t have to know the answer to this at the end of the third date. You just need to know if you would like to get to know this person more. We talk about connection and how it works, with sharing and caring, which are two simple words they need to keep in their minds. They need to figure out if activities and conversation are creating connection.”
Rabbi Daniel Whitman, shidduch coach at Lakewood’s Beth Medrash Govoha, shared that we’re not allowed to cop out on our obligation of hishtadlus. On the other hand, Hashem is totally in control. We have a tendency to choose the path of least resistance. Sometimes, when we are uncomfortable making hishtadlus, we throw it onto bitachon: and sometimes, when we are uncomfortable with bitachon, we’re busy preaching that we have to do hishtadlus. We have to have full bitachon and hishtadlus. We have to be very careful when addressing the emotional pain of other Jews.
None of us are free of pain. None of us should tread on someone else’s pain. We have to realize how sensitive this topic is for a single. He shared, “I admire all singles in today’s day and age. I salute young people struggling in this parshah.”
He said that a person who is single needs to feel excited about who he is and to feel he is on a personal mission. He should feel less encroached on by any external social pressure. We know Hashem gave a zivug for each of us. We should know we each have a unique contribution, and He designed a unique shidduch for each of us. He should think that he is looking for that person who will help him in his mission. A person has to understand his own path. He has to recognize that Hashem is helping him. When a person feels fulfilled, knowing that Hashem is with him, and he keeps positive, then shidduchim becomes easier. Hashem has no doubles. I have my own mission.
Find your mission. The world is like an ocean. There’s a current or flow. We’re in the process leading to g’ulah. What makes you feel special? Learn to feel enthused with avodas Hashem.
Rabbi Whitman pointed out that the Torah spends an entire parshah delineating the fundamental difference between a Jewish marriage and a non-Jewish marriage. A Jewish marriage creates a place for the Sh’chinah to reside. The husband and wife are a team trying to create a branch of the Beis HaMikdash. It is not a marriage that is self-serving. I meet your needs if you meet my needs.
The chief shidduch is our neshamah and our guf. The better we harness our neshamah and guf, the more effective we are at dating and in marriage. He counseled talmidim in BMG. If we focus on deeper goals and help them with techniques, they will function better in the practical things.
Rav Pam said that the reason some singles wait a long time to find their shidduch is because they are unsure as to who they are. I always ask a young person struggling in shidduchim to tell me about himself. What makes you feel special? Where are you going in life?
By Susie Garber
