I’m proud to be a frum Jew, but I’m also proud to be an American. If you know me, you’d know how very patriotic I am, and how proud I am of this country and the freedoms it has given me (and Jews in general). This article will not touch upon politics, so before those who get into a huff about politics do so, take a cleansing breath. And if you can’t find any hakaras ha’tov in yourself for all this country has done, then I don’t want to know from you.
I usually post a video on Instagram on Memorial Day and on the Fourth of July of my darling daughter singing “G-d Bless America,” a song I started singing to her when she was a baby and which I sing to my son, as well. My phone case is all American, and my doorbell plays the first notes of our National Anthem (yes, it’s true).
So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I love American music, too. I love country music. I have quoted country songs on more than a few occasions in this column. One song that I am going to try to emulate here (just in the concept) is Brad Paisley’s “Letter to Me.” In that song, Brad writes a letter to his younger self basically telling him not to sweat the small stuff because things will turn out fine, and to appreciate what things a teenager may not. Just to give you the gist of what I’m referring to, these are some of the lines: “I wish you’d study Spanish. I wish you’d take a typing class. I wish you wouldn’t worry, let it be. I’d say have a little faith and you’ll see…I guess I’ll see you in the mirror when you’re a grown man. P.S. Go hug Aunt Rita every chance you can…”
This is what I would write to 19-year-old Goldy just starting out in the shidduch parshah:
Dear Goldy:
I am you from the year 2020 and have come back to share some words of wisdom with you, because I literally know exactly what you are experiencing and worrying about. I won’t tell you when you will marry or whom you will marry; why spoil the fun? And yes, you will have fun at times and there will be some sad times. You will want to read what I have to say. Dating is new and exciting, isn’t it? You get to meet new people – shadchanim as well as prospective dates – and you are taken to new and exciting venues. You are always looking forward to the “next one” in the hopes that you will meet your zivug. But if the “next one” isn’t your zivug and the date isn’t as wonderful as you had hoped, you don’t worry about it because you know that you are one more closer to meeting your husband, and believe me he is worth the wait – and he isn’t ready for you quite yet.
Keep a positive outlook; it will help you survive most of your dates. In the meantime, keep writing about all of the dates you have been on, because one day you will share your journal with the others and help them, as well as yourself, through laughter.
You are a take-charge type of person. You know what you want, and you go after it. It has been like that since the beginning – but we aren’t in charge in the dating realm (or in any realm really). You need to “let go” and put your trust in others who are sh’lichim of Hashem and there to help you. I caution you to beware of people who expect payment up front to “help you find your zivug.” They may mean well and want to help, but giving them $5,000 or more does not guarantee that they can find your bashert. It just means you handed them $5,000 of your hard-earned money, and your parents didn’t raise a fool. Don’t pay for results that can’t be guaranteed! Besides, you won’t meet our husband through a shadchan, so save the money! And when your parents suggest visiting a m’kubal that several people told them about because he “knows things,” don’t buy into it. He’ll tell you, “Your zivug has an “M” or a “mem” in his name. Let me tell you, our husband does not have an “M” or “mem” in his English or Hebrew first name or last name, and neither do his parents, so he won’t be “ben M_____.” Your nephews and one of your children’s names will begin with an “M/ mem,” but not your husband.” So ask the m’kubal to choose another letter of the alphabet.
Keep davening. Davening is very important. Keep your faith in Hashem. Be thankful that you are dating, because many singles do not go on many dates – they sit home wishing they were dating. Even if a date does not go according to plan, thank Hashem that you were lucky enough to go out with someone. Try to think of others whom you know of who may be a good match for the young man you just dated. He may not be right for you, but maybe you can help a friend and set her up with him. It is so important to try to help others in their search for their zivug.
Remember, this is not a race but a marathon, and you will need endurance. Some people seem to fall in love and marry the first or second person whom they date. You are not one of them. You will attend many vorts and weddings and feel genuine happiness for those celebrating their simchah. But there will be times you will feel jealous because you want it to be your turn.
You have an optimistic outlook for the most part, and it is normal to wonder when you will walk down the aisle. You wonder how many more times you will have to go out with a dud before you meet the right one. Let me just tell you: It isn’t in Hashem’s plan for you to get married at 20 or 22. It will be years until you can understand why it must be this way. But you will understand it or at least think you understand it. Always keep in mind that Hashem has not forgotten you. In fact, He is doing a chesed for you by making you wait. Not only will you appreciate your husband that much more because of all that you have gone through to date and marry him, but your family will appreciate and love him that much more because he came in the right time. I’m not just saying that; our husband will not be able to come one minute before he actually comes. You will know it when it happens. Continue to dance and be happy for others, because they will be happy for you when your time comes.
Always be kind and continue to treat others as you want to be treated. Many will not be as gracious, and they will treat you badly, but that is not a reflection upon you. It is a reflection on them – always give them the benefit of the doubt. You know what you have experienced (and I know what you will experience), and while you keep your head held high and always look for the silver lining, others are not as lucky as you and dating has affected them negatively. They may be hurt and bitter. But always try to help them. You can never go wrong by trying to assist others. Always make others feel good, because you don’t know what is going on in their lives; they may be having issues at home, work, family, etc.
Attend Shabbatons and singles events! Network with others! The events will get boring after a while. You will see the same people over and over again on the Shabbatons but keep at it! You meet some of your best friends at these functions and build lifelong friendships with them. Be active in creating your future!
Every bad date you go on isn’t a mistake. There is a reason for all of them. There is a reason that you will be insulted, ignored, yelled at, and made fun of on dates (hate to spoil all the fun). The reason is not because Hashem is having a laugh at your expense. He is preparing you for life and what will come. These experiences will make you strong, so you will be able to handle that which comes your way. You will be able to help others through the journey you have been on.
It is always important that you remember to be yourself! Keep your opinions and viewpoints and feelings true to who you are. If you try to change them for someone else, you aren’t being you. Let your true colors shine through and be proud of who you are! You will be turned down by a fellow whom you want to date because you are not a “Yes Girl.” Those are the exact words he tells the shadchan. You will meet for literally three minutes at a singles event and have different opinions about certain topics. There was no argument, just different viewpoints on some topics or issues. He told the shadchan that he didn’t want someone with “so many opinions.” Stay true to yourself because at the end of the day you have to be happy with who you are! And your husband will love you for that.
People may advise you to put cash or a credit card in your pocket when you go out on dates; take $20 and leave the credit card home. You’ll have better stories to tell after the date – trust me on that.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of life, the little things that happen on dates aren’t that important. True, they may seem like it at the time, but they really aren’t.
Most importantly, always listen to your parents. They had some pretty unique experiences when they dated. They only want the best for you and no one knows you as well as they do. Learn from them. You don’t always have to agree with them, but weigh their advice carefully, because they were not born parents! They dated (many people) and have had the same feelings as you have had. Listen to them. They know what they are talking about.
Don’t lose hope. Yes, you may feel like the only person who hasn’t had a good date, and you will think that life is passing you by. You will get invited to your friends’ children’s bar and bas mitzvahs when you haven’t had the opportunity to meet your zivug yet. But it will happen. You will not like all that is in store for you, but you will learn from it all, and it will make you a better person, able to appreciate the real chesed Hashem has shown you.
Our husband is closer than you think, so when people suggest going to Israel or England or some other distant land to speak with shadchanim and rabbanim (and rebbeim), save our money!
Buy stock in Google and Apple now – it will pay off.
And most of all, tell Mama how much you love her every day, and don’t worry about the Ginger Ale.
Kol tuv,
Your Future Self
Hatzlachah to you – and to all the other singles.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..