I have been asked a few times why I am so “hard” and “write mean things” about shadchanim. Once I hear that question, I keep the eyerolling to myself and tell the person that if that’s what she thought I was doing, then she missed the point of my column entirely. Let me share some of my experiences with some shadchanim when I was single. It’s only to those people that I’m critical of and you’ll understand why.
Nearly two decades ago, my family spent Pesach in a hotel. My mother insisted that I meet with some of the shadchanim who were guests. “You never know where it can come from,” is what my mother a”h (always) said. I met with a few shadchanim, answered the same questions shadchanim always ask, and provided them with a short narrative of who I was, what I was looking for, etc. – a monologue that had been well rehearsed by this point.
One shadchan said something I’ll never forget. Afterward, I asked what made her say such a ridiculous statement. At the time, I was graduating from college and had been accepted to law school as well as to a master’s degree in Social Work program. I really wasn’t sure which career choice I was going to make. I was weighing the pros and cons of each. The shadchan said, “Go for social work and forget law school.” I asked her why she said that – and so quickly, too. No sooner than I told her what I had to decide, she told me what life decision to make. She had just met me, didn’t know anything about me, especially if I would make a better social worker rather than a lawyer. Her answer to my question: “Guys today don’t want a smart girl. It intimidates them. They need to feel smart. Go for social work if you want to get married.”
I was shocked and angry all at once. I explained to the shadchan that I didn’t want to marry someone who wants to marry a stupid girl. I didn’t want to have to stroke his ego for the rest of my life. “If a ‘guy’ wants a stupid girl, then he doesn’t want me, and I don’t want him.” No man would want a stupid girl. No real man would feel intimidated when faced with and even married a smart, educated, and intelligent woman. The shadchan said that if I really felt that way, I was going to have trouble finding my bashert. I thanked the “shadchan” for her time and left without listening to the list of “guys” that she had for me to date.
How could this woman say such a thing to someone? Isn’t she trying to help singles find their bashert, their matches? I knew in my heart that my zivug would not want me to “play dumb.” He would not want me to be less than what I am, less than what I am capable of being. What message is she to other single girls? I’m sure she was not telling the “guys” to be less than what they were.
Months later, I had left messages on the answering machine (back then) of a shadchan I met earlier. I reminded her of who I was (as I had done on previous voicemails left for her), saying I was still interested in hearing about the men she spoke about when I was sitting in her living room months earlier. Finally, she called me one night, acting as if we had been in communication several times in previous months. She told me that she had the “perfect guy” for me. She said that he was from a good family, always davened with a minyan, was a CPA, and that he was the same age that I was. All sounded good until she said, “I told him you were two years younger than you are. He doesn’t want to date someone the same age as he is. Just go with it. Don’t let him know that I lied because he won’t trust me ever again.”
Excuse me? The shadchan didn’t want to lie to the young man because she would lose his trust, but she wanted me to date, possibly start a relationship with him – a potential husband – and begin that relationship with a lie? What if this “perfect guy” and I connected and dated a few times? Age was bound to come up in conversation – whether it was the year I graduated high school or college or if we found that we had common friends while playing Jewish Geography. Does age really matter? When the baby is crying at 2:30 in the morning, will one spouse say to the other, “You’re older; get the baby.” If the car stalls in the winter, will the husband blame the wife because she’s older? “The car is old, just like you, honey.” I didn’t want to lie, even a lie by omission. The shadchan told me that if I wasn’t going to go along with what she told me, she was going to call him back and tell him that I was “busy.”
I also remember calling a highly recommended shadchan, who upon hearing my name said, “I told you and your mother to stop calling me. As soon as I have someone for you, I’ll be in touch.” Before she hung up the phone, I told her she was mistaking me for someone else because I had just been given her name by a friend. Her reply was, “Don’t play that game with me. You and your mother came to my house and ever since then, both of you have been hounding me. If this continues, I won’t bother to help you at all.” I tried explaining that she had mixed me up with someone else. She hung up the phone. I was left staring into the receiver.
Why am I sharing these experiences with you? These are the types of shadchanim that I think should lose their shadchan license. I’m “hard” on these shadchanim. I’m “hard” on people without seichel and “shadchanim” who talk without thinking. I know firsthand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of what a shadchan thinks of me and advises me what to do. Did I question myself, my life decisions until that point, what I wanted from life and marriage? No. But some singles aren’t as lucky, and they begin to doubt themselves and their choices after sitting with a shadchan similar to the three I wrote of above. And from the emails I have been receiving, shadchanim are still providing the same sage wisdom these had given me.
I’ve written this before, but it needs to be written again, because emails are still flooding into my Inbox complaining about this. My message to shadchanim: It is very humbling for a single person to call and meet you face to face. It is basically them telling you, “I can’t find my bashert on my own. Can you pleeeaaaassseee help me?” Please be kind to all. Being single does not mean being less than a full person or not having seichel or being open to criticism. These singles are coming to you for help, and it would be appreciated if you do your best to assist and even offer encouragement to them. Please don’t yell, berate, or insult their intelligence or ignore their calls for weeks on end. Singles understand that you are a busy person with a family, responsibilities, careers, etc. They’re busy too. But you made the time to meet with the single to discuss what they are looking for and the single who met with you hopes that you have someone in your rolodex who can be their zivug. So please don’t ignore their calls, especially when you tell them, “Keep calling me,” or offend their choices in life or ask them to lie. There is no shame in not meeting with a single person if you are too busy to assist them in finding their zivug. Just to meet with people to then put it in the back of your mind isn’t right; especially when the single person thinks that you are devoting time to assist them.
My message to singles: Do not let shadchanim intimidate you or make you question the choices that you made in life. Shadchanim are people just as we all are. They are not the “all knowing and powerful Oz.” Remember, the Wizard ended up being just smoke and fancy lighting. If a shadchan tells you something that you are not comfortable with, make him or her aware of it. Don’t be forced into situations you feel uncomfortable with or let yourself be put down. All singles are bright adults who are in school or working professionals. All singles make everyday decisions by using the brains you were born with and seichel that Hashem gave you. Just because you are single does not mean that people can look down upon you or speak with you in a manner that you are not comfortable with.
If you don’t want “Goldy to come down hard on you,” then think before you speak. Simple.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
