Do you have a basic assumption that no respectable person would admit to being lonely? Truth be told, a high degree of loneliness is an unforgiving part of simply being human. It appears to be a built-in feature.
While it may be quite comforting to share this feeling with a trusted friend, it appears to be unsettling to our current society. If you choose to be honest about your feelings of isolation, will you be accepted by others?
How good are you at listening or entering into her experiences? Your call will be ignored in the order that it was received. Some say that it takes patience to listen, but it takes skill to pretend you are listening. Uh-oh. Truly, most people can hear. Few people can listen.
Your pain and pangs are not for you to endure all alone, sweet friends. Friends and loved ones can throw you words of encouragement. While it is unlikely that you will find someone on exactly the same page of your psyche, accept that you do not have to be made of the same fabric as him.
Some are simply incapable of truly understanding you. The more perceptive and sensitive you are, the more aware of this you will be. If you are a thoughtful type, with a complex mind, you are bound to be lonelier than others around you.
Are you locked in certain relationships with people you don’t even have that much to say to? Speaking of relationships, you know what they say: An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
You may appear to have a lot of friends while feeling that no one truly understands you. If you accept a certain degree of aloneness, you can embrace the fact that others may never fully “get you.”
Feeling lonely at times may actually heighten the conversation you have with yourself. You do not parrot what everyone around you says or thinks. You work out your own point of view about matters. Every time we argue, one of us is right. The other one is you. Just kidding. You may be able to form much closer bonds with friends and loved ones. You can actually take pride in not necessarily engaging in average, small talk at social events. It may be a sign of depth, which will be alluring to the right kind of person.
Remember that if you seek profundity, you are in the company of poets, painters, and philosophers of the ages. Forced socialization may feel utterly uncomfortable at times. Feeling lonesome on occasion may be a price you have to pay for holding out for more intimate relationships.
Others may view your avoidance as an absence of social skills; but it may actually be a virtue. I’ll only socialize if coffee is involved. Then again, it’s been said: My social life is much better since I stopped spending it with other people.
Perhaps you are simply emotionally intelligent and have a better capacity for self-understanding. Others may tell you what so-called “normal” people talk about. And yes, most will exclude what they truly want, feel, or think.
We all edit out our faults and dark side, some of which remains even unknown to ourselves. We wish to be socially acceptable, do we not? We thus may feel truly unseen. Do not fear being seen as weird or way-out, sweet friends. You may devote yourself to self-observation, and quite frankly many may not wish to reciprocate.
Is it possible to be entirely honest with him or her? There are fewer people committed to self-observation, so you may feel disconnected from most. Think about it. Paintings, books, music, and even your favorite movie include what so many of us crave to hear and feel. Many of those thoughts are never said aloud in a usual social context.
The words on the pages of your favorite book, those lyrics or dabs of paint, may speak to you more easily than those around you. Perhaps you spend a great deal of time self-reflecting and investigating your past. Do you know many others who examine or evaluate mistakes they have made in the past?
Please remember that in your relationships: You can be right…or you can be happy. You choose. Oh, and: Love is sharing your chocolate. Love is also pretending not to notice when I eat your chocolate. But sincerely, it’s been said: Lonely isn’t a feeling when you’re alone; lonely is a feeling when no one cares.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
