On Sunday evening, December 24, Let’s Get Real with Coach Menachem featured a Zoom shiur with Mordechai Weinberger, LCSW, well-known speaker, author, and the Executive Director of the Serenity Center in Spring Valley, New York. Mr. Weinberger shared that it is part of human dynamics that no matter how close you are to someone, there will be places that you disagree. The question is how do you deal with this discord?
How you react is impacted both by nurture and nature as well as by experiences you had in life or traumas. These things will impact your interaction with another person. He noted that he has seen people who were raised in a very painful environment with no love and yet they can be very loving. “I see people with so much resilience.” He shared that his grandmother lived through Auschwitz and yet she had so much love and peace to offer to her children and grandchildren.
He then detailed different types of survival modes. Some people faced with challenges become like ghost children and they disappear. Some react to challenges with physical pain or anxiety or depression. Others react to challenges by becoming successful and becoming overachievers. He explained that they become co-dependent. The mode a person uses early in life becomes his survival mode unless he makes a conscious effort or decision to change it. Another survival mode can be shouting or fighting or going “off the derech.”
He explained that in nature there are four elements with which Hashem created the world. These correspond to different types of personalities. There is the fire nature, which is loud and flamboyant. It draws people together and engages them. It can have a downside, as well. Someone who is a fire personality might make a remark he regrets. There is water, which appears still on the surface, but there is a lot going on below the surface. This type of person holds things inside and doesn’t express what he is feeling. Then there is the wind type, who is a dreamer and has a vision for the future. This person takes a mindful approach. The last type is earth, and this type of person gets things done. He doesn’t talk about emotions. Every nature has a strength and a challenge.
He pointed out that life experiences shape us. Each child has his own nature. Lots of disagreements come because of our nature or our survival mode, and our life experiences clash with the other person. We need to focus on our needs and then there is a huge shift and change. So, it’s not about changing the other person. It is about changing and understanding ourselves.
Mr. Weinberger then answered live questions. A caller shared her difficulty with some of her grown children, and he helped her to understand that her personality was very different from there’s, and she needed to use a strategy called G.I.V.E., which would help her change her perspective and the situation. The “G” stands for gently. She needs to speak gently. The “I” stands for interested. She needs to show interest in what interests them. The “V” is for validating their feelings. The “E” stands for easy manner. He then rehearsed with her how to speak to them to develop a better connection. He told her that she needs to focus on who they are and what they like. This requires mindfulness.
The next question involved dealing with a family member with a psychiatric issue. He emphasized that the person dealing with this family member needs help from a therapist in terms of how to deal with it. You always need someone to help you with this situation. Dealing with something that is overwhelming means you need to focus on self-care to be able to manage. You need to stay healthy yourself so you can help the person who is not healthy.
He explained about codependency, which means you try to save the other person at your own expense. You take over the other person’s responsibilities and it impacts on you. It hurts you physically, mentally, and in relationships. Therapy helps a person who is stuck in this process.
He also shared that people stuck in an abusive relationship need to set boundaries and to do self-care.
By Susie Garber
