Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky shlita told Leah Richeimer that the avodah of our generation is shalom bayis. He encouraged her to continue her holy work of teaching this to everyone and guiding couples towards this. When shalom bayis is strong, then other problems will diminish, and this can bring Mashiach.
Leah Richeimer is the author of seven books, and she has trained 61 coaches from all over the world. She teaches a weekly podcast on shalom bayis, called The Marriage Companion. She spoke to community women at the Young Israel of Queens Valley as part of her whirlwind tour, hosted by Chazaq. She said, “You are needed!” She asked women to consider signing up for a six-month-course, starting in May, that will train them to be shalom bayis coaches.
She shared, “If we work on shalom bayis – it’s the ikar. Then, this will take care of all the other issues.” She shared that there are 221 Torah sources for this important avodah of working on shalom bayis.
She then taught a condensed version of the main ideas to strive towards when working on shalom bayis. She also said that Rav Kamenetsky stated that if a person is single, then she should work on shalom with everyone with whom she interacts.
She began: “You have the opportunity tonight to completely change your life. Open your heart. It is crucial.”
She then shared that “the single most important factor in your marriage is you.” There’s always something a woman can do to shift the whole dynamic of her marriage. “We have the potential to bring out our husband’s full potential here and in Olam HaBa.” She explained that, in the last 70 years, we were told that equality-based marriage is the ticket to happiness. This, she said, is a total failure. She emphasized, “Our mission is to bring the ideas of a Torah-based marriage to klal Yisrael. We have a 3,000-year m’sorah that teaches us what we need to be happy.”
She noted that to get your husband to respect you, you have to respect your husband. There are four lies in the world. Mrs. Richeimer uses acronyms to teach. For the four lies, she used the acronym LIES. She said “L” stands for later. Later you will be happy when you have the house or your children do better in school, etc. Instead, you have to slow down and connect to what is now. Hashem puts us where we are now. There is no later. Bitachon is understanding that we are meant to be here now in this situation.
The next letter, “I” stands for images. You will be happy when life looks like a fairytale image. This is not a real way of looking at life.
Then “E” stands for equality. This idea that all decisions – and work – should be done equally is a complete failure. The measure in a home is not equality; rather, it is shalom.
“S” stands for stuff. The idea that “getting” will make you happy in terms of material things and what your husband should do for you, is not the way to happiness. Happiness comes from giving, not from getting.
She posed the question: If we are in the birth pangs of Mashiach, who will be the midwives? The answer is the Jewish women. We are the ones who will be the midwives. We were chosen at this time in history. We have an obligation to help bring Mashiach.
Next, she shared the acronym of GEULA which is the basis for five qualities that will bring Mashiach through shalom bayis. She said “G” stands for grateful. All the brachah in the home comes from Hashem through the husband to the wife. Women have been taught from secular sources that the husband is not part of it, which is not true. There is nothing in your house that doesn’t come from your husband’s brachah. “Everything you own and have without exception is from your husband.” If a wife is grateful, then more and more brachah comes from Hashem. Your husband gives you access to the brachah in your life. When you learn to receive more, then you will receive more. “Grow yourself into being the biggest receiver possible.” She explained that the husband is the giver, and the wife is the receiver. So, the wife has to actively receive. She said, for example, keep saying “thank you.” “E” stands for empowering. Women were sold a bill of goods that we need to control everything in the home. Women need closeness and connection. This is way more important than control. The husband needs control more than anything. If you give up control, he will feel more like a king.
If a wife listens to her husband, then he will bend his ear to her. “U” stands for understanding. We have to know what our needs are. She needs to narrow down what she really needs. She suggested an exercise of writing down all your wants and then narrowing it down to the top three. Those are your deep genuine needs. “L” stands for loyal. When you are loyal, it makes your husband feel safe with you and it endears you to him. She lamented that loyalty is gone from the world. It is a lost art. Loyalty is making sure you have his back in every situation. Praise your husband to your children constantly. You can’t overdo this. The side benefit is your husband will cling to you and want to be with you. “The more loyal you are, the more he will cling to you.” Always defend your husband. Never raise your voice to him. This is really critical. “Nothing makes a home less safe than yelling.” Yelling is effective in the short-term, but it is detrimental to the relationship in the long-term. “Yelling creates a lack of closeness.”
Rav Salanter taught: First think, then go into action. The action converts the insight into growth. “A” stands for being attentive. The way to a husband’s heart is by listening to him. Write down questions to bring him out.
She shared an acronym for listening: HOT. “H” stands for how you say it. “O” stands for the outcome you want to achieve to be close to him. Ask yourself: Will this action draw us closer? “T” stands for timing. Timing is crucial.
Everyone left inspired to work on shalom bayis and to spread the word.
By Susie Garber
