Dear Goldy,
I went on a date, and the shadchan said that the guy said I gave off a snobby impression, as if I was bored or above him. I don’t know how this is possible. We had an animated conversation. Our date lasted three hours.
I didn’t ask to be taken home. I liked his personality and laughed a lot. I asked the shadchan why he said that, and she said that it was the impression that I gave off. I don’t know what that means. But this isn’t the first time a shadchan or even a guy has said something similar to me. Not the exact words, but that I was standoffish, or he didn’t think I was having a good time.
The only thing I can think of is that I fold my arms a lot. I feel like a dope standing or sitting and just letting my arms/hands fall. Even while sitting, I may fold my arms or hold my hands in my lap. I don’t know what to do with them!! But shouldn’t the way I’m talking with them and laughing along with what they say count for something? Do I have to adjust my entire way of standing/sitting? I don’t even think about it anymore. This is the only thing I can think of because shadchanim only say, “That’s what he told me. I don’t know why; he didn’t specify.” Isn’t it the job of a shadchan to specify? If it’s body language, that could be fixed—just tell me.
This is the only thing I can think of that would make guys say that about me. I’m an open person. Honestly! I don’t know what else to think of.
Chaya
Thank you for your email, Chaya.
Everyone will tell you that body language is important in every part of life—are you open to receiving criticism, love, advice, or are you closed off? Apparently, all can be told by watching a person’s body language. But there are exceptions.
Every time I hear the phrase “body language,” I think of the song Ursula sings in The Little Mermaid, “Poor Unfortunate Souls.” When Ariel wonders how she’ll get Eric to fall in love with her, Ursula teaches her about the use of body language in order to get noticed. But seriously, studies have been done analyzing body language and what it means.
We all don’t have to be geniuses to figure out that if someone is standing with his/her arms crossed and an angry face opposite someone else who’s talking, one may think that person is angry—crossed arms, angry face. But it’s not always as easy as that. Personally, I never know where to put my arms. I don’t want to rest them on my hips in the superhero pose, and I don’t want them dangling at my sides like you (which I feel uncomfortable doing). I also sit with my legs crossed 90% of the time. It’s just comfortable. And no, don’t look at which direction my legs are crossed—away from or toward the person I’m with. I keep crossing and uncrossing my legs when I get too hot or want to move around. I was once told that I’m not open to criticism because the person who was giving me a musar speech didn’t like the way I had my arms crossed. And I said, “Do you want me to hug you? Stand at attention? Salute you? I’m standing like this because it’s comfortable. Don’t read into it.” And sometimes it’s just that. You are comfortable standing or sitting a certain way. But the other person sees it entirely differently. Celebrities always say that when their picture is taken on the red carpet, they don’t know what to do with their arms or hands either. They actually have tutorials for that!
Yes, there are times when you’re angry or annoyed and your body language does reflect it. All I’m saying is, it may not happen 100% of the time. And there are also appropriate places where a person should stand or sit a certain way. For example, during a job interview, I cross my legs at the ankles, not the knees, and never do I cross my arms. An employer may see that as being closed off and not interested or as having an attitude. In a situation like that, I go out of my way to seem very open to the information presented to me. I’m willing to be uncomfortable for the duration of the meeting so I don’t give the other person a bad impression. This is one of the few times when I actually care what someone thinks of me, so I want to make a good impression.
I’m sorry that you’re getting these answers from shadchanim, that these things are what your dates are saying without giving you any more clarification. In my opinion, yes, I think a shadchan should ask, “Why do you feel that way? Did she say or do something to give you that impression?”
I’m just going according to what you wrote. I don’t know how you act on dates and if your body language of folded arms (and possibly legs) was the reason you seemed snobby, standoffish, and the other words you used. Try not folding your arms. It may feel funny. Maybe hold a napkin or another object—what, adults don’t need fidget toys? Dating is an awkward situation. People get nervous. Where do they put their hands? Do they hold something, or will that make them seem nervous, and they don’t want to seem like they don’t have it all together? Do what you need to do. It may be worth being a little uncomfortable on your part if you like the fellow you’re with, or you can say—as I have—“I’m sitting/standing like this because it’s comfortable. I don’t know what else to do with my arms. It doesn’t mean I’m angry or upset.” I didn’t just burst out saying that. The situation was right. I wanted to give off a good impression, and I wanted to be comfortable, as dates can be uncomfortable for some. If the opportunity presents itself, speak up.
Again, I don’t know if this is the reason why more than one fellow has said this to a shadchan about you, but if this is what you think it is, then try to rectify it.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..