There are times in life when you learn a “life lesson.” It may not be at a time when you’re expecting it, but always be ready. Life lessons may sneak up on you. Case in point: I was once speaking with someone who did not have my best interests at heart.
To her, I was a worker bee, and she was trying to get me to collect as much honey as I was able to. She didn’t care that I had questions about collecting honey. She just wanted me out there to work, work, work. But I, being me, wouldn’t have it. I needed an answer to my question, and I wasn’t collecting one more drop of honey until I got an answer! I mean, this involved me collecting honey. Don’t you think this person, not the Queen Bee, would want me to collect as much honey in the most efficient way? Finally, after a few minutes of getting nowhere except more frustrated, the person admitted, “I don’t know. Sometimes we don’t all know the answers, so we have to find the right people to ask—those who know the answers.” Well, color me yellow; I was shocked that one of the head honey collectors had no idea how to answer my question! But the lesson was already taught. Just because someone is in a place of power or is highly respected and has years of knowledge and life experience, it does not mean they’re able to answer specific questions or have the knowledge to do so. And so, you may have to seek out someone who can answer your question. It doesn’t matter if that person has a degree, s’michah, a doctorate, or if they’re your best friend. If they can answer the question in a way that satisfies you, then that’s it. Ask that person.
For those embarrassed to say they don’t know the answer to a question—don’t be. That’s when it gets dangerous: pretending to know everything. This is not a “fake it till you make it” situation. Admitting that you don’t know everything isn’t a sign of stupidity or dimwittedness. It shows humility and courage. “I may not know the answer, but let’s find someone who does, and then we’ll both learn how to ____.”
Dear Goldy,
I’m not a young spring chicken. I’m in my forties. That’s not old either; at least I don’t feel old. I tell you this so you get a clearer picture that I’m a person who’s been in the shidduch parshah for many years. I’ve been out with many guys and even have had a few relationships that I had hoped would’ve turned out differently than they have. I don’t ask the stupid questions when a shadchan calls. I ask about the man—who he is, what he does, his personality, what’s important in life, his family... I deal with professional shadchanim and anyone who is kind enough to redt a shidduch for me. But if I hear that “the boy’s mother...” I stop. I want to marry a man, and like you have always said, if you’re old enough to date, work, and live your own life, then be mature enough to handle your dating life.
I’ve been seeing someone who seems to be exactly what I am looking for. We seem to match up hashkafically and have the same opinion on most topics—even politics. He’s been married before, but it was over ten years ago, for a couple of years, and the marriage didn’t result in any children. I’m fine with that. I’ve always heard that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Avi, the guy I’m dating, isn’t “old,” but he is a mature male who’s lived on his own for over two decades and has gotten into a certain routine and rhythm in how he does things or approaches tasks. That’s fine. I have my own ways too. I’m willing to change a few things here and there and to compromise. I can’t expect him to be the only one to change, and he can’t expect me to do all the changing either—so both of us change and compromise a little. Fine. The issue is that there are some things that Avi doesn’t want to change and expects me to abide by. None of them are bad; they just aren’t how I’m used to doing things. It has nothing to do with minhagim because I know the wife usually takes on the minhagim of her husband. These are life issues.
I don’t know if these things are reason enough to end the relationship. I’ve been dating a long time. Avi and I match on many levels. I have developed feelings for him, and I think he has for me as well. I know I can’t get Mr. Perfect, who will agree to everything I say and do, but where do I say that something is important to me and that I don’t want to change it or compromise on it? There are few things I draw a hard line on, and a couple of them are what the issue is here. Could I live with changing these things? I think so. But I don’t think I’ll be as happy as I would be if I don’t change them.
I turned to my best friend. She told me to stay true to what I believe, and if these were important enough for me not to want to give up, then I shouldn’t. I had that conversation with Avi, and it didn’t end too well. Then, I spoke with my mother, who didn’t know what to tell me because she didn’t want to get in the way of what could be my future. Yes, couples don’t agree on every topic, and differences are healthy to have, but are these differences worth it? My mom referred me to a local rav. We don’t daven in his shul, but I heard he counsels couples and knows about relationships. This isn’t a couple issue. I don’t need couples counseling. I just need to figure out if what I’m being asked to change is worth it if I get so much back from other issues and Avi really cares about me. I’m at a crossroads. Like I said, I told Avi how I felt, and he said this was a dealbreaker. My heart sank. My friend said to stand up for myself—but if this means never finding a shidduch or starting at square one, then is it all worth it? Do I go to this rav I don’t know and start at the beginning of the story and explain why I feel this way? Does Avi have to come?
Estie
Thank you for your email, Estie.
Wow, that was a lot of unpacking you did—but not in a very clear or specific way. What I understand is that you have finally met someone you feel can be your bashert, after years of dating, but there are some things he is asking of you that you don’t want to change about yourself or the way you do something? Am I close? You don’t have to write specific details if you don’t want to, but then it makes my job a little harder. But that’s fine. We work with what we have.
First, make sure that whatever these issues are that Avi won’t compromise on, and you don’t want to either, aren’t anything that will hurt or affect you emotionally, spiritually, or physically. That’s the most important thing. Is it something you feel ethically or morally against? Then that would be an issue too. But you want to know if you go along with how Avi feels, can you live a truly happy life knowing you gave in, for lack of better words, on these matters, or is it worth it to start from square one and break things off with Avi?
Not a simple question here. Not at all. And having no details makes it difficult, but I will say this:
Your friend means well and only wants the best for you, but only you will know how you will truly feel about these issues and if you’ll be able to sleep at night knowing what you are giving up. Nothing is wrong with that. But your mother is right as well. She doesn’t want to say anything that will influence your decision one way or the other because your life will be affected, and she may not want the blame if her advice doesn’t work out. I love the fact that your mother pointed you in the direction of someone well-versed in relationship issues. It doesn’t have to be the rav of the shul in which you daven. He may be a wonderful rav and know everything there is to know about kashrus or tznius—but he may not know about relationships, people, what really matters, when a separation is necessary, or when something can be overlooked.
If I were you, I’d call this rav. Introduce yourself. Do not explain the entire issue in the initial call, but tell him you’re dating and are at a crossroads and have some questions. Ask if he can make the time to see you. At that meeting, you can launch into everything. I don’t think Avi has to accompany you. Like you said, you don’t need couples therapy; you need to make decisions, and you need someone with the know-how to help you make those decisions.
Moms are always right—even if she doesn’t know how to help you, she knows where you can go to get the best help for your issues. I hope this provided some clarity. I did the best with the information I was given. But it remains true. Don’t ask someone because you’re close with them or they have s’michah or a degree. Ask someone who knows about the topic you’re having an issue with. If that is their specialty, then you’ll be in good hands. Also, the more people you ask, the more opinions you’ll get. Try to go directly to the source that can be of most help to you—and that goes for everyone reading this.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..